A mirror image

Friday night Danny and I had dinner at my house. I am not really sure why it has taken me this long to see it but I realized we are really the same person. We are both pleasers and we hold ourselves to such high standards we “should all over ourselves”.

Maybe we came into each others lives to teach us to be more compassionate to ourselves? I know we are both givers and we are there for those we love. However, we come down on ourselves to a level we would never let anyone do to others we love.

After dinner we were discussing weekend plans. In this discussion he shared that his son that lives at home was happy they spent so much time together this summer. Danny said he realized he did not have balance when he dated Hagatha. I said you know you are really going too hard on yourself. He then tried to compare it to when he started dating his wife in high school and having balance with his friends.

I said you do realize you are too hard on yourself. He said it was his to own. Then he said he should have known better. I said I think it was a learning process. He said No I am at fault. I said I do not have kids but Hagatha too should have some ownership. I said this because I am also positive she was manipulative. He said he could blame a lot on her but not this.

It was at this point that I felt I was looking in a mirror. We are the same people. I then told him after he said should about 100 times, “stop shoulding all over yourself”. I want to remind myself that I do it and must stop as well. I see him and this standard he holds himself and it is noble but it is not forgiving.

I realize we are two sides of the same coin. I think this makes me look at things differently. I am going to approach things differently. I know now why I am here and why we are together.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

 

Race cars

The funny thing about life is that you are always learning and sometimes the thing that you hate you learn to appreciate.

I met Johnny at a car race, he was the driver. My frenemy Rose introduced us. I thought it was kismet, our last names were so close it had to be perfect, right? Wrong! Well the fact of the matter with him was that I realize it now, I was told flat out it was a mistake but I was headstrong.

I was always making excuses for him. I made it work. I took care of everything. It is not a shock that it was an absolute shit show from the get go. I refuse to make others right. In the end it only cost me a couple of years of my life. He was a great guy but there were issues.

He knew that I was adamant against drugs. He was growing and smoking weed behind my back. He was irresponsible but I thought I could make him change. WRONG. When I realized it was time to leave, I remember I did not want to hate him. He was a good guy overall and I was the pleaser.

I told him flat out I did not want to hate him and the thing really was if that tail pipe in your car was a pussy you would fuck it every day. I cannot compete with a car. He was good with it. It took a lot of years but we are okay where we are today.

I wish I could have told my younger self that it would not make a difference if I had to make my choices change. I can and could be wrong and the world would not end. Choices are not right or wrong they are just choices.

May all your waves be glassy

Reunited and It Feels So Good

I am resolved to not let anything or anyone impact my relationship with Danny. I know I am not in control of what others do so I am only going to manage my responses and not react. I have to also state I am so glad Mercury Retrograde is over. This was a tough one for me and I was agitated all the time.

Fear was killing me. I am not jealous so it was not jealousy that was creeping over, it was the fear. The fear of being left. Again such a huge trigger from the past. I am working through it and I will be successful. I may have wobbles but that is natural.

I was so excited to see Danny yesterday it was like Christmas and I was a young child. I saw the car coming down the street, it was a congested street. I could not get to the car fast enough. I held myself back and walked with confidence and I know I had to be smiling.

I leaned in to kiss his cheek and he freaked out. I am not getting you sick. I was stunned and I got the same reaction when I reached for his hand. I know he just did not want me sick but it was like I was crushed inside. I just kept my smile and we drove to the club. te

We walked around and found a place to eat and the distance of the past was left in the past. It was good conversation and we were at Peace. It was the way it always was when we are together when there are not meddlers.

I now see that it could not have been more appropriate to see Pat Green and his opener Casey Donahew. I was not sure how he would like the show and I was relieved when he did enjoy it. He said this is not really country, I replied it is Texas Country which is rock.

This was not my first Pat Green concert. I have loved Pat for 12 years. I had met him in audience at a Kenny Chesney concert. I have that picture with his autograph. I am using it as the image. My favorite song Pat sings is his trademark Wave on Wave. I realized today that it could not be more appropriate that I took him to see Pat. The lyrics seem to say everything about last night and the journey with Danny.

We had a great time together and it reinforced for me that I am glad we are together. We are both just trying to figure things out. Although the things we are working through are different it does make it easier when we see and more importantly feel better together.

Wave on Wave Lyrics

Mile upon mile, got no direction.
We’re all playin’ the same game.
We’re all lookin’ for redemption.
Just to pray, to say the name.

So caught up now in pretendin’
That what we’re seekin’ is the truth.
I’m just lookin’ for a happy endin’.
All I’m lookin’ for is you.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You’re the reason I’m still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

I wandered out into the water,
An’ I thought that I might drown.
I don’t know what I was after,
Just know I was goin’ down.

And that’s when she found me.
Not afraid anymore.
She said: “You know, I always had you, baby.
“Just waitin’ for you to find what you were lookin’ for.”

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You’re the reason I’m still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

Wave on wave.
Wave on wave.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You’re the reason I’m still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

The clouds broke and the angels cried:
“You ain’t gotta wipe the floor.”
That’s why it put me in your hands.
When it came upon me wave on wave.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You’re the reason I’m still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

To fade.

You came upon me, wave on wave.
You’re the reason I’m still here, yeah.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me, wave on wave.

Written by David Neuhauser, Justin Pollard, Pat Green • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, BMG Rights Management US, LLC
I was surprised he stayed over, I was not fearful of getting sick, I was already starting a cold. It was just reassuring, the time we were together was easy and comfortable.
In the words of another Pat Green song, “it feels just like it should”
May all your waves be glassy.

Risk for me vs him 

I am not the greatest at admitting that I gave a lot of time and I was hurt deeply. There are many things with Anthony that I look back on that make me sad. I know there were moments when I should have left. I know that it probably did not need to get to the point where I was pregnant. I know more than all of that I had to go through all of this and it still was not enough.

There were small moments in my life when men who have treated me poorly have come out directly said that karma they experienced was because of me. Anthony lost a finger at work and crashed a car and compared it to the child we could have had together. I also dated a spoiled rich guy who told me he shattered his knee because of the poor treatment he gave me.

They are similar yet different. The difference is Anthony has been a part of my life since that time. Each time I revisited it was because I thought I could make up for the decision. The fact remained each time I could not change anything. I just felt bad all over again.

Anthony at one point wanted me to wait 11 years to be with me and give it a try. 11 years so his youngest would be grown. Seriously? I also met up with him and in some lame attempt to claim what had been mine made sure he slept with me. I know it was petty. I felt justified as he hurt me so much more telling me that he was making up for leaving me with his POS now wife.

I have problems seeing my value. I sometimes also have problem with my decisions. I am in a much different place today. That is why I revisit these memories. I want to be sure I close the doors. I also want to be sure I see my value in the moment.

These were tough lessons. They made me who I am today. I am not happy about the decisions only that I am at a destination that I can see differently.

May all your waves be glassy.

Relinquish your power and you will be miserable

I look back at my marriage to Alan and I see a huge pattern. I just would acquiesce to him to keep the peace. It did not matter if he was blatantly wrong or not. I just backed down and thought it was the best way to keep a happy marriage. It was not the right thing to do at all.

A couple of incidents in my past still bring me to roll my eyes. The other thing that is key for me now is that Danny has said things about me not learning, I reflect on these moments of the past and I think that they are absurd. I wish I had handled things differently.

It is not like you have talent. When you surf better than him it is not a good day. It is not what makes people remember. The funny part of this is that Alan would say things and then forget. I know that a lot of it was said in spite. However, it does not make it right or change how I have been treated.

I have discussed the ridiculous things I was expected to do or say. One such moment was early in the relationship when I was trying to describe a paisley print on a chair. I referenced it as a  print that looks like a sperm. You would have thought I grabbed the young salesman’s penis. When we got out of the store to be chastised and made to feel inappropriate.

Another time we were looking at new surfboards for me. The salesman was discussing how to roll my leash. Kinky leashes need not apply. Using the kinky phrase was unladylike and I was told that I sounded like a whore.

The issue in all of these moments is that I am mute. I never stood up for myself. I now have to say what I feel. I can no longer just let things go and pretend that it is not a big deal. I would panic and think if I spoke up that he would end things. Why did I live in fear?

I am getting there in baby steps. It is a new feeling and it is uncomfortable but I am .working at it. Sometimes there is a little bump in the water, but we need to ride it out.

May all your waves be glassy

Girls Weekend In NOLA

I won a trip on the Ellen show to New Orleans. It was a great trip. I went with a friend from my MBA program. It was on the scale of party – off the charts. I was single and what I did should have had zero impact on anything.

I had just moved to the DC area and was staying with Rose. Rose was a friend, or what I thought was a friend for over 20 years. After this trip, I learned I was not her friend and I learned the meaning of frenemy and jealousy all over again. This experience is one that reminds me why I do not want to be friends with women. It reeks of the jealousy and underhanded shit that Tuesday has recently been pulling.

I am not going to give any more details to the NOLA trip other than it lived up to any girls trip to Bourbon Street. There were things that I shared with Rose that should have just stayed in that conversation. However, that was not the case and upon reflection I realized she had been betraying me over and over again and again but I did not put the pieces together until then.

Rose had a friend who I knew could possibly give me a lead to a job in DC. I asked her and she told me he had nothing. I should have trusted her and I did. Later I found out from David that he had been asking her for my resume for months. Shame on her. But there is more. Over the years she would tell me how brave I have been in my life and that she would share it with people in bad places. I guess maybe it was ego, but I was like ok.

Brene Brown talks about this in one of her Ted talks. Be careful who you share your story with because they may not be as respectful as you think. Took me 20 years but I realized she had been using my life for fodder. Shame on her. She is a woman who is afraid to live her own life and she gossips about everyone else and their life.

As I was preparing to move into my own place, she was becoming a bigger and bigger bitch. I gave her space. When I moved she acted like it was a surprise. I was relieved and could not wait to get away. This is still before I realized her betrayals. The guy who got me the job in DC, David and I started to become reacquainted.

He was supposed to be part of the job I took, but he was taken off it. I wanted to catch up with him after I moved into my own place and to say Thank you. I learned at lunch he knew every detail I had shared about the NOLA trip. This was not fodder for gossip. This was my personal life shared with someone I did not share. I was horrified.

I realized then Rose had been sharing my life as well as anyone she knew because she did not know how to live her own life. I was so hurt and betrayed. I immediately severed all ties from her and her family. I disconnected her on FB and emails. She was passive aggressive. I realized this was a lesson.

It is important to see the emotional vampires in your life. She was a vampire and it took a visit to the city of Lestat to realize I had a vampire of the daylight. I had to kill it and move ahead. It is very hard to let a relationship of that time go.

It was not the first relationship I gave up when I realized I was being used by someone. It still hurt but I know it was the right thing to do. It is important to clean the closet of friends and ensure they are worthy of being in our lives.

May all your waves be glassy.

Anticipation

So as it goes I had laid low for the week and a half since the talk with Danny. I let him reach out to me first. I stopped all the norms of me- no good morning text, no hope your day is good text and certainly no good night text. I had to ween myself off and make him miss me.

Well it was immediate the daily texts asking about me, my day and Mackey. That was pretty quick and actually unexpected. I think in general I think the worst so I am not devastated. It is also probably because I have been disappointed so much it’s a shitty pattern.

On a similar note, I read recently that 95% of the things we worry about never happen. It’s actually pretty on target for me and I am working to change the way my mind thinks.

Now back to anticipation. I was so sure all week Danny was going to cancel that when I spoke to him and he was determined to go to the concert I was taken aback. He sounded sicker than a dog but was determined for us to go.

I have decided that when I do see him, if he is still that sick or tired we should go home. That is to be determined. I told him I would Metro to him, I know that surprised him. It actually worked out well for me because I needed to stop at HQ and hit my badge at the gate. The bonus was I got to meet up with Tisha.

What I realized about the waiting was that we needed this space. I needed to think about what I wanted. He needed to also see what he is missing and what he wants.

I know in my bones this is who I am meant to be with right now and maybe for good. The time is nothing, I have stuff I needed to address and I have to take care of me and Mackey.

Do I want to melt in his arms? Absolutely. The thing I do know is that once he realizes what he wants and is in alignment I will always be able to melt there. If it does not go this way, I will melt into the mans arms who is for me.

To be continued. I will wait for him and am totally content in the line up.

May all your waves be glassy.