What is born before you arrive, will always appear

Sometimes the Universe just has to fuck with you. I have not blogged about this friend of mine until now. We were in high school band at different schools that were directed by the same teacher. He went to an all boys high school in one city and I went to an all girls school in another. The band members always seemed to get to know each other that were directed by the same teacher. So it was not odd we met up. I was a sophomore and he was a junior.


I guess the deal here is that I have learned a lot about me, and my soul family from our relationship. It has been on again and off again since 1987. He really is my twin flame. Ironically yesterday I therapy I told my therapist there was nothing here in VA for me. Then last night, he messaged me again after 10 years. The separation 10 years ago crushed me.


When we first met, he had a crush on me. I still have the cards from the roses he would give me and I smile thinking of them now. I just may pull out that photo album today to reminisce. Ok I just did. Those pictures and memories make me smile.


I learned a lot about love from him. For this blog his name is Ryan. He loves the Cubs just as much as I do, OK, probably more than me. I have always thought that the Cher/Peter Cetera song put it best about us: The Next Time I Fall. It really is the truth. Now that we have reconnected again, nothing is truer in my mind and no one could tell me otherwise.


He is definitely a past life soul mate. I cannot describe the connection. So let me just recap our relationship. We were inseparable friends my sophomore and junior year. He is a year older so then he went of to Marquette University. I visited a couple of times and then while he was there he met his now wife, Sybil. She has hated me, and the idea of me since day one of him telling her about me. I have never been more hated then and I am not sure about now but whatever.


She was his first sexual encounter. He told me everything. I hated everything about the way she treated him. Believe me if I had thought at the time I was ready for the love with him I would have jumped in. I just hated her jealousy, I hated that she did not understand him like I did. The thing I hated most was she hated me and did not give me a chance.

Jealousy will do that to a person. Makes me wonder what the karmic tie in a past life was and I have cleared that shit today again, I am not revisiting her next life.


I know Ryan loved her. He loved her so much he ended our friendship because she demanded it. I was devastated. I let it go. I loved his parents and I loved him so I lost more than one person in the deal. I wanted him to be happy no matter what the cost. He taught me about selfless love and really loving a person.


I have a best friend who is a woman where I forgot this lesson (over a man and his treatment of her) and we lost touch for years as well. The difference there is women who are really sisters reconnect and we did. The issue here is Ryan is a good man PERIOD. I know it was hard for him to give me up. His mother told me so before I left Chicago and moved to LA. I stopped at her house and gave her a letter for him.

I do not know if he still has the letter but I do know it told him how much I loved him. It told him how much I missed him and how much he meant to me. Me letting him live his life without me was real love. I wanted only the best for him. I knew the jealousy in his life was not good. I could not tell him otherwise. I told him in college and he made the choice he needed for his journey.


When things started to get serious between him and Sybil, I told him this is NOT what love was supposed to be. She should love him and trust him. He could not be swayed. I see now that this was the first time I loved someone enough to let him or her fall and be hurt. It was tough. I hated it. I FUCKING HATED IT. It hurt me so deeply.


Mutual friends told me, when his mom passed. I knew she always believed we would be together. I was so sad. I loved her too and she was amazing. I have believed every time he came back in my life she was at work in the other world. Today I feel no different.


We lost power here yesterday at 1 PM. I went to bed super early and I woke up and saw the FB Messenger at 2:30 AM. I thought about responding or not. I thought it could be a trap like Sybil had set previously. I did not want him to have grief because of me again. So let me share some more of the story.


About 10 years ago we reconnected. At some point we linked up on LinkedIn and on FB. We met up before that in DC for lunch and it was great to see him. I still lived in LA and was visiting a friend at the time. I had to be at least 12 years ago as I was still married to Alan. We would keep in touch and then he was on travel to San Diego and I had divorced Alan.


I drove down to San Diego with Mackey and I got my own hotel room. Mackey had his first elevator ride that trip. We met up for dinner and off to a pub with music. It was so awesome. I love being with him. I feel safe and loved and comfortable. Then some time later it happened. Sybil found out we were friends and lost her shit.


When we were together we talked about her jealousy. He knew it was not healthy but he made accommodations for her because of his boys. I knew why he did and I understood. I still felt sad because I knew there was more to love and life than that situation being ok. I know he knew too. I did not dwell on it, as I was just happy to have my friend back.


So one morning I woke up and saw the FB message our friendship was over and his marriage was more important. Sybil had been on a rampage and Ryan was in her cross hairs and I was the carnage again. I was fucking devastated. The words did not sound like him and I knew I had to bow down because of how much I loved him. It is again, not what I would have chosen for him.


What I did know was that it was his journey. He had to find his own voice and his own worth. I could not make the choice for him. I cried. Friends told me to protest and email him back. I loved him too much to do that to him. I always knew that he understood how deep my love for him would always remain.


Again it was like I had to cut off a limb. It sucked. So when I got the FB messenger request last night I read it over 3 times. Then I knew his mom was at work again. She always knew we were supposed to be together in this lifetime one way or another. It did not matter if it was a lovers or friends, we were supposed to be together.


Today, we Instant Messengered for a long time. It was like nothing changed. Then today I knew that we were always connected and that the Twin Flame card from Sunday was him, not Rex. I also knew his love for me has never changed. That is something to be really touched by in my heart and soul. When we were talking I felt the energy all of it, the good the bad and the future.


It was like an electric shock. Not in a bad way, but that is the only way I think I can describe it. I tried to explain my gifts but I know that because of our souls, he will understand it when I do share in person. How weird is it that we work 10 miles apart? Not very. Right? Because we will always find each other, and our souls will connect.


I love him more today than I have ever loved him. The courage it took to try to connect with me cannot be minimized. I will always love him and always allow him back in my life. I feel like a piece of my soul puzzle is back.


May all your waves be glassy.

New Beginnings and Changes

So I have been publishing these blogs for just over a year now. We have seen the adventures in my life prior to that year as well as the shit show of Danny. That said I am not sure if I have made it clear that in every relationship I work to make it better, to change patterns and improve.

For instance, I have read the 4 Languages of Love and realized my languages. The most interesting thing for me is that over the 5 years since I have read it my scores change. I think that is probably a good thing but nonetheless it is good to know. So today I came across something I am going to use with Rex.

I know that the distance is an issue and I think to help see if this is a match and learn about each other this will be a good thing. It is a list of questions that social psychology researcher Arthur Aron of the Interpersonal Relationships Lab at Stony Brook University in New York, published his results in “The Experimental Generation of Interpersonal Closeness” in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin (1997). I found this in a Facebook video. I then pulled the questions from this Psychology Today. I find these fascinating.

I think it will be a good thing to FaceTime and discuss. It will definitely lead to us both learning a lot more about each other. Additionally, it will facilitate us both in seeing if the other person is who we want to take the time and effort to get to know.  The more you know…

May all your waves be glassy.

When People Tell You Who They Are…

Flashback to the summer – Waiting in a Pizza restaurant with Danny for our order to arrive. We had gone to see U2 the night before at the Meadowlands and tonight we were going to see the Light Show at Longwood Gardens. I recall this conversation now pretty clearly. He was discussing his ex-girlfriend.

He was telling me he had given her a pretty extravagant gift before they broke up. Me in my naiveté was thinking Rolex, Bulgari necklace or something else. This is what I remember verbatim. “So I am sure you know by now what it was that I gave her.” I said no, he replied he gave her some sort of legal document entitling her to some of the cash windfall. He said she never believed in him and that she mocked him.

My full recollection was she dumped him for voting for Trump. I now see as time went on the reasons slowly changed. That is key to his character or lack of character. The reason I am pointing this out is because the irony is coming now. He then told me he asked her for it back. He said he prayed for it to get back before the revaluation. I paid no attention to this at the time.

In the immortal words of Maya Angelou, “When people tell you who they are; believe them.” Now that he asked me for my currency back was she ever right. He had been telling me all along, slow drops of breadcrumbs. I did not even see it at the time. It all cleared up in the last week. The ex, I am sure she is just like me, was taken for a ride, we saw it clearly and he changed the story of us. Oh I am sure I am a Tuesday now as well.

I would rather be a Tuesday than be phony and full of shit like Danny.

In the last week of texting and talking, Rex (not his real name) has been more communicative and forthright than Danny in 8 months. This has been the best reality check ever! I mean seriously, courtship is just that, wooing and it is exciting. I have not felt lighter or more peaceful in 10 months.
I am not on my edge wondering or panicking. I know it is all going to roll out as it should. He owns nice things but is modest. If this was Danny, I am sure the Ferrari would be a part of every conversation. Value does not come from things, and it sure as hell does not build character.

I have 2 more Sundays at the yoga studio and then the ties are fully severed. I should not work towards peace at a place that brings me stress and is linked to drama.

I forgot how exciting meeting someone new should feel. He does not have kids and I am not sure if he has ever been married. I do not care. The bummer is he lives in the Midwest, well thankfully there is FaceTime, the phone and planes between there and DC.

To be continued.

May all your waves be glassy.


Spin cycle, Indian Giver, Telephone Game

Well I got to my 30 days all proud as shit, then just like the Universe does, boom a text from Danny. A huge WTF moment. It sent me into a panic. I mean seriously a full blown panic. What did he want? The text was simple enough:

Hello Joyce. I wanted to know if you are available for me to come by and talk to you around 2:30 or so.

HOLY SHIT what do I do? What do I say? I am freaking out. I respond

What is it we need to talk about?

Some things that I need to clear up between us and I have two items to return to you.

What are the two?

The decal to enter the community and the bike training aid you loaned Liam.

I deactivated the decal 3 weeks ago. I am not comfortable with you at my house. I can meet you at Starbucks.

I cannot believe what I am reading. As if I have ever threatened you or been a threat to you.

I am also emailing you the email I was going to send today before I got the text from you. It is not about a threat. It is about energy.

Starbucks if fine with me. Does 2:30 work?


Thank you

So there you have it. I was blindsided. I am still processing the whole meeting. I got to Starbucks and it was packed. It was a holiday so not a surprise. I suggested we go to Panera. We drove across to Panera, I was delayed. I ran into a former yoga instructor in the parking lot and I was chatting with her.

When we got to Panera, no coffee, no nothing. It was weird. His opening line is that he is no longer angry he is just disappointed. He has not shared this with anyone he tells me. LIAR, I guarantee it is a lie. His Facebook posts tell the truth on that front. He also fit in there somewhere, he did not blame me for deactivating the decal. WTF? You are not in my life, you cannot come to my community whenever.

He told me he does not know how we got to this place, it all deteriorated so quickly. He told me that this was so much drama and he does not do drama. DUDE, all you do is drama, or you would not be in this situation with no house, losing a car etc. I said the he said she said telephone game is an issue. I have never been asked anything. What the kids said must be true and not in their interest. I wonder if the kids know any truths as it is a house of lies.

He said I cannot believe that you aired my dirty laundry. I sat there and said nothing as he took his time on his soap box. He said I shared everything and went on and on about things that Wendi shared he was pinning on me. I said she told me all those things and I checked the internet and validated them.

He did ask me what was said about Laurel. I said she asked if I spoke to her and if we were friends. I said I detached. The fact here is I know he is in damage control mode. He would shit his pants if people in town had this blog. Although I am sure people know exactly who he is.

He is worried I am telling Wendi things? Seriously. DUDE she has known you for 8 years, I am aware her daughter is telling her your secrets. You should be aware too. DUH! She has been telling me everything about you and your family.  He is a hypocrite, if his daughter was dating a situation like his son, he would lose his shit. Oh but then again he is not a parent, he is the friend, so he has no voice.

What he failed to share in this diatribe is that he shares peoples lives all the time. He has shared his brothers, sisters and friends failings with me. He does not see this as a violation of trust? Come on ass hat. You are the worst offender.

I said you are the one that told me to consider the source. I see you are in a tough place with Collin. I was actually already detached from him and I could feel it, meaning I felt nothing. He then went on about how he had never shared that I was estranged from my mother, Divorced 3 times and had filed bankruptcy. I said all of that is on the internet. He said even so I never told anyone. In a house of secrets I guess that would be an issue.

I do not care what he says because people that know the true Danny know he is a liar, he lies when it is convenient for him. Then he went on to say I could defriend or block him he would understand and not be mad. Seriously? I said you do not even know who I am, I loved you. He said I know who you are. I said no I do not think you have any idea.  If he had any idea I was moving on, I doubt it as his ego would not allow this to be true.

Here it comes, I did not see any of this. I am selling a lot of things now. I am meeting with my broker on Friday to sell as much as I can. I hate to ask you this, Joyce, but can you give me back the currency I gave you for Christmas? I thought WHHHATT? He is serious. I am like WTF. I kept a poker face. He went on to tell me he has college tuition to pay for and the need to take his mother to a specialist at John Hopkins. I know this is all Bullshit. He then tells me I can mail it to him. I guess I could if I was going to do it. He is a selfish man, he fears it maturing and me benefiting.

You can go to a winery on Saturday, on Monday tell me you are desperate for cash. Here is some advice asshole, don’t post everything on FB, especially if you have an agenda.

I have never used any dire excuse with a loved one. The reason is you are putting it out to the Universe. So let’s add this to the knowledge I was given from Holly in my dream, he was a serial cheater, he took money without her knowledge and did not follow her wishes. WHAT THE FUCK?? This man is a sociopath.  I am confident she is happy I brought all this shot to light. So I wonder what his children know? They must know all of it, that is the only power I could see they would wage. Guilt. Sucks to live in shackles you can remove, his choice. This explains all the my poor children stories.

I told him about my dream from Saturday night, it was totally validated in our conversation. I was like whatever. He did say I may be moving. HEY ASSHOLE, you are getting evicted, that is not an I am moving. Whatever, master manipulator. I have taken off the chains, I am running to the ocean to clear your energy.

We went to my car, and he brought the trainer to my car. It was the big bear hug in dramatic style. I said what you do not know is what is meant to be will be. Buh Bye.  I drove off. I went home and every fiber in my being said do not give it back. I have zero plans to return it.

I have decided to send him a Mass Card for St Jude, the Patron Saint of Lost Causes.  I am leaving the envelope open when I mail it. Let him think what he wants. I will donate to St Jude as my grandmother always prayed for his assistance and gave her solace. So Danny, I am going to make a donation so you get a daily Mass, you need it. You are not my problem, you are God’s problem

Then again this is a man who told me and others he knows how to plan a good date and is good in bed. That is not all there is to life. I am so disturbed now looking at this from the outside. The upside here is I have a home, a job, a strong support structure and I am at peace.

I am now moving into something new, with someone new. It is fun and light and I am excited. Let the Thunder Roll, you will all know why I say that soon, it is all good, I promise.

May all your waves be glassy.

30 Days Clean & I deserve a chip

Oddly enough it seems to have flown. I know it is not like a drinking or drug clean but it is a clean none the less. I have had the email drafted up to send to him for a couple of days. There was no reason to hold back and not prepare it. I already knew what I needed to say and what I wanted to say. I did take guidance from Spirit in the email.

I have copied it below.

I have deactivated the RFID for the gate. You will have to go to the guard shack to return the trainer.

Please bring my trainer to the guard shack in the next 7 days, place a note with my address 1216 Aquia on it so they know it is mine. If they question, tell them the Chief said it could be left with them or the Aquia Harbour Police. I am sure I will get a call to pick it up. If you cannot bring it back, feel free to reimburse me for the $219 plus tax $233 that it was purchased at Trek if you cannot return it. I have the receipt if you need it.

I also had not heard from you but wanted to share this from Wendi. She reached out to me and I thought it would be about the Yoga Studio I was partially right. It seems she may have been on my blog (her comments and questions lead me to that conclusion) I do not know or care. She had plenty to say again, she brought Laurel into the mix, I did not engage. I have defriended them and left the studio, I am not in this situation. Considering she had been telling me since June to leave you I am sure she is pleased with the outcome. She did not know anyone including her that would date you and had told me, I know the date was 6/10 as I remember the post on my blog when this all started. I would never get in the middle, and avoided it, as it was always tenacious. Thought you would want to know who she really is, although you said consider the source.  I also can assume you know who her source of information really is as well, not difficult to determine.

She texted me, here is the screen shot and she called me if you wanted the phone records I have them.



Then on that Tuesday I got a call from Catty, who burned candles for you weekly because of her love for me and my love of you. This is also a woman Holly came to early on in our relationship. She texted me to tell me people were speaking poorly of Mario, I am not sure that happened or not.  I will say he warned me of Wendi in the summer.

All the best on your journey, wishing you glassy 🌊 waves.


I also know that all the things I was supposed to say have been said and I am not concerned I missed anything. When the time is right I will cut the final cords from him, take what is mine and give him back what is his. I am sure he will feel something as we are so connected, he just will not be aware what it is. I am going to prepare to be physically ill. I will be fine, I know the Universe is going to send me someone deserving of my unconditional love.

This is what was sent in my Akashic reading email, Lowell’s website is embedded if you are interested in a reading. It makes more sense now.

 As indicated in this reading, your recent “relationship” experience has been a real test of your discernment process.  As I stated, there is a potential of you learning that what happened is an old family dynamic that you got caught up in but if you are able to work through that, the energy that I experienced with you and your friend has the potential of being a positive relationship, BUT his bankruptcy is a significant challenge regarding how he allowed himself to get to this place and what his thinking process for dealing with it….. letting it simply evolve, or actively participate in seeking help from various resources to save his home, his financial future, and his “self worth” image.  The choices that you have to make are complex and require you to seriously think about whether you want to continue to become wrapped up n that “mess” or whether you choose to remove yourself from that mess and move on in your life, perhaps as a friend but not someone that is going to “bail him out” of a situation that he caused to happen.  I wish you well with those decisions.
Thanks & Blessings,
When I asked my therapist why I am detaching so easily on Friday, she pointed out what I had failed to see. I do not respect Danny. I do not respect how he lives his life. I do not respect how he treats himself. I do not respect how he treats those he claims to love. After all you cannot love anyone else until you love yourself. I had not seen that so clearly until now. It was not about the money or the job, it was about the lies. The lies he tells himself and the lies that he feels he needs to tell others. It gets confusing to remember lies, I am guessing he has no idea what is truth and what is fiction. Very sad state to live your life. I know another wave will come.
I think it is funny, that people admire that I keep trying. Seriously? I have been told that before and I crack up. I mean we all can choose to find love. I am choosing love every day. I also wonder if I check all the boxes in this life if I will stay on the other side and not choose another, well I hope that is a long way from now.
I am just sitting in the line up watching the lines come in. I am going to continue to read them and decide what ones to ride. Surfing really is a discernment of waves, just like our lives.
May all your waves be glassy.

The Time is Near ** Dream updated

I know that the time is near to close the door on Danny for good. I can feel it inside me. I can also feel him pulling on me. Yesterday, I thought of Tuesday and I had not done that in a long, long time. Energy is real. I had a great night myself and I went out and when I am ready to blog about it I will.

I had a girlfriend read me for the year. It was aligning with all my steps moving forward. I took most of the day to apply to jobs across the country. My life here in Virginia is not what I am seeking. Life is short and I am still young, so of course I am going to live it.

I have said before that I think Facebook is the devil. It is actually not the devil, it is people’s need to prove to the world they are what they say. The actual problem is most of the time the people project bullshit. This bullshit is then believed. Last night I looked at Danny’s FB and there they were in all there reunited glory, Danny and Tuesday. She looked happier than a pig in shit, albeit larger than I last saw her but ear to ear. I thought about posting a Glamour don’t pic of them but opted not.

I am glad he has the resources to go to a winery. I am glad he has a friend who believes he is going to be filthy rich and he is sharing his luxury suites and all the other BALLER lifestyle with her. The problem is it is not real, actually I guess that is par for Danny. He projects fake and he gets fake. I am 99% sure she does not know his situation and that is a shame. Why? Because life is short, living a lie is sad enough, chasing a lie is even sadder.

I took a clearing bath last night and then I cleared my chakras before bed. I did a cancel delete on the image from the winery and went to bed. Then in my dreams his whole family was there, except the oldest. They were not in their current human form but I knew who they were. His daughter took me to her bedroom closet to show me her jewelry and share it with me. He left us alone and the second oldest and the baby came to me to ask what was going on? I started telling him about my life. Then he asked no what happened between me and their father. I said I was still unsure. Then the kids all went out to a bar or something, and I was alone with Danny. He got on the phone a landline. He was talking I could see him from where I sat and he was packing a suitcase. He looked over at me and winked. I was like not going to happen buddy and then I left.

I have not had time yet to ask my friend who interprets dreams the meaning, but I will and I will add to this post when I do RIGHT HERE. ***** Dream update analysis.

He may have sold jewelry for money – Jewelry represents sadness in general. In real life the kids are asking him what has happened in life with me and in their lives. The closet is representing a ghost that has been seen there, (It is real and Danny knows it is NOT family) Danny on the old phone is him thinking about calling me. The suitcase and packing because he will be leaving that home and he is sad about the jewelry.

So far I believe he his thinking about me and that is part of the issue, and it reinforces not taking my energy back.

I woke up and it was real, I was on another earth plane and it was real no doubt in my mind. I could see on FB Danny was on just about the time I had the dream. I am guessing he was trolling my page at the time. I am kind of pissed that my shielding did not work as I had hoped. So I will look at the good thing, I know he is not as aloof as he pretends. I am also believing that he has not shared much with his children or anyone else. I doubt he let all the dirty laundry out with Tuesday hence the facade would cave.

Yesterday, I am sure I was referred to as a Nicole, his last girlfriend. Danny calls her Tuesday. I know that he will not be able to help paint himself as a martyr. My therapist told me Friday, many people who care with those dying of Cancer without scruples do just as he has done. People offer assistance and want to support and make them feel better which is natural. The part that is not natural is they come to think they deserve it, they are owed and then they take advantage.

Danny has done a lot of taking advantage of Cancer. Sure it took away from his family, but he was not living the life he portrayed. There is a price for everything. Then he felt owed. He was no Saint and he painted himself as a long suffering husband, which was not exactly true. He likes people to feel sorry for him and give to him because he thinks he is owed.

The readings all point to me moving to a new job within a quarter and leaving Virginia. I will meet a new man and with my new understanding of my gifts, I should be able to discern good and bad. I am going to make more money in the new job and God willing it will be in California.  I have 3 job referrals for Government Jobs one is in CA and I am praying the right one is what comes forward. Maybe I should have been packing the suitcase in the dream, or maybe he is packing his shit to get out of my life so I can move forward. Time will tell and the story will unfold.

Patience is not my strong suit, I also discussed this in therapy on Friday. I said I have been hitting every box in life, I have always felt like that is what I was supposed to do. It was a mission. This is no different. I am sure that at one of these boxes is the love I deserve. I may have had several lives with Danny but I have to choose me. I had to do this with Johnny and Alan and Dickshot. It is never easy for me to move on but when I am guided I do it, even begrudgingly.

May all your waves be glassy.