Distance and Comfort

So now that I have had basically the entire country separating me from Danny, I noticed some things. First my panic is non-existent and the text phrases in the past I now see as comforting.

I have been really good about checking in and keeping my usual patterns with Danny. I obviously have had time to think and reflect. The first thing I notice that is huge is the fact we are more aligned in thoughts and ideas than anyone else in my life. I cannot say that's true for his, but I am fairly certain it's pretty damn close for him too.

I started a conversation with one of my Best Friends this trip and I really learned a lot about her. It is not negative by any means I just see how different we are in new or controversial ideas.

There were two conversations and I will bring up the easiest first – Game of Thrones. The lineage of Jon Snow is a topic which should not get people fired up if they watch.

SPOILER ALERT – it's old information but if you plan to watch skip ahead.

I bring up the fact that his lineage straddles two of the seven kingdoms leaders. My friend Betty had just binge watched and was current. She tells me he is the incestuous child of Ned Stark and his sister. I correct her and I was met with a huge push back and how wrong I have it. So much so that I Google it to confirm my belief.

I then read back the information. She still is not believing me. She tells me her recollection and I tell her where I think she missed the information. She is still hanging on to her view and says she has to watch it again to believe it.

Now I think the more controversial topic was and is something that people like to classify as conspiracy theory. I am not discussing it here at all, that not what this blog is about. In hindsight I think this was the point I realized our difference in new ideas. Her husband listened to my points and was actually leaning towards it could be true. She was vehemently opposed.

The relationship Danny and I share has a lot of ideas that are not mainstream. We discuss them. We end up usually being aligned. We both are spiritual and we are truth seekers. We are both light workers in different areas.

The bottom line in my reflection is that we were meant to meet and come into each others lives. Has it been challenging at times? Yes, but I would not change anything.

This distance and time apart has shown me I am comfortable with him and we actually have grown together in this short time.

May all your waves be glassy.

Test it out and see how it feels

So it has been no secret with the people I know and love how much I have missed the West Coast. So for me this trip back to California is a big deal. It is when I recharge and I think I get my mojo back. My west coast energy may be charging but I there is a disruption in the force.

I feel something is missing. Actually someone, Danny. Believe me I am enjoying my people here, but I know something's different. I know my people are the same. I love and miss them the same. I realized I want them to meet Danny and vice versa. This was always the place I was supposed to return. I never doubted it until now.

I do not doubt it recharges me and that the people and the Pacific are part of it. Today, I am doubting that I could leave him for here. I have so much positivity here, yet I remember the struggle to meet someone aligned with me. It was hard and it never happened. Now I have the alignment and I am working through realistically small things for me. He is working through his own things as well.

That said could I just drop the mic and move back knowing it would be without him? I am not sure. I am really seeing that this is a profound point of thought for me. Seriously, there are a lot of things to consider. The cost of living, where I would live, etc. Then there is the NCR rule.

A self imposed No California Rule on dating. That does limit the pool. I was obviously moved back to the East Coast and I met him. I will tell you it is not lost on me that there were 3 instances of men I was set up with or Matched up with from our town. No big deal right? Wrong!

I was supposed to be here with Danny, right now. Period. So I am taking it dead serious. Our texts have changed over the last few days. The tone and content, so I am very aware. I am also more aware of our connection and at what levels.

I miss him, and I see it is reciprocated. My ❤️ is his and his mine. It is difficult for me to even say, I may never live here again. But my heart and mind say it's okay, you have never loved or been loved like this before.

May all your waves be glassy.

Next Stop – Removal of Wall

So as the time passes, I have become more comfortable in the moment. I have worked on becoming more at ease when the fear creeps in, which is obviously my ego. If I took that trip every time it showed up, I might never leave.

I can see now that Danny is in a similar place. I also can tell some of his fear has subsided. I am not sure if it is just due to time or if it is because he is doing it consciously. Either way, it is taking things to a new place.

I have noticed that although his schedule is busier, he is making a conscious effort to spend time with me. After the "Tuesday" episode he was definitely more attentive. He has since done a lot more confiding. I have seen that I feel better when I take the moment to say what's on my mind. Sometimes it is difficult but I know I need to open up the things that are important to me.

We had a very nice dinner this week. I know that in the last two weeks his schedule has been nuts. I was happy for some me time with him. I am typically not a needy chick, and I probably would still say that about myself. The fact we have had conflicting schedules makes me miss him more. He is obviously in the same boat in missing me.

Before he left he came into the kitchen to see me as I cleaned up. He started with I wanted to get a card and a bag but I ran out of time. I was like wth is he talking about? Then he said I told you got something for you. He then gave me a Cubs blue Titleist hat with a Cubs logo on one side and a World Series logo. It was the best of the things I shared with him; my Cubs and golf. It made me so happy.

What a great night as short as it was I treasured the moments. I also took the initiative to bring up to him a suggestion on starting the introduction of his children and me. I suggested that we invite them to the dinner we are having at my house with his oldest son's girlfriend's parents. Let me be 100% honest on my expectations.

I fully expected this suggestion to be met with a solid no. I am being clear, I said feel free to say no and I expect you to say no. I was not trying to be a negative Nell, I just did not want it to be me pushing too hard. I will say it again, I am treading on sacred ground so I tread lightly.

So now I have flown to LA and next to Vegas. It's hard for me to act like I won't miss him. So I don't. When he left my house the other night, as I hugged him, I whispered, "miss me while I am gone". He said he would, I know it's true. Now he shows me in actions. I texted when I got to the gate to leave.

This time in my text I closed it with I choose you in Italian, Spanish and English. The typical response used to be Thank you and or sweet of you to say. Today it was I know you do and a kiss. I will take it. 💜 His messages have consistently grown and I am grateful. He see the things I do for him and realizes everyone is not like me. He tells me and I rarely share that with friends because it is so special to me, I don't want it tarnished.

When I come home I am going to continue to share my thoughts and what is important to me. I am confident he will be receptive and I will see the actions I need for me. Being respected is important to me, his friends should respect the relationship as they respect him. "Tuesday" will be addressed, as she has posted a childish inappropriate comment on his FB. We discussed another post from a friend of his so he is well aware I read what is posted.

I am going to enjoy this trip, I wish he could have shared it but there is always next time. I am staying in the moment and those things will come in due time.

May all your waves be glassy.

Lazy River

So as I think about things I wonder if when we feel life is going smoothly and we are at peace, is that like the lazy river ride? I am thinking it is that way.

We just chill and enjoy the moment. I hate drama and for all the little drama that has ensued lately this is a welcome time. I am not worried about the future, it will come.

I have little control over the future, I can only control my actions and reactions here in the present. This weekend was so good for me. I was really just going with the flow. Sure I had tasks and chores but overall it was peace.

I spent time with Danny Friday and really it was quality time. I recognize that is the best type of time. I don't want excessive time that is not enjoyable.

The river is just flowing along and I know I am going to sit in my floaty and enjoy it. I will take in the sights and experiences and be grateful for it all.

May all your waves be glassy.

Timing is everything

So I know I have things to say and items I want to clarify. I think we all have these in our lives. What I do know for sure is that timing is everything. Danny came over for dinner on Friday and it was the weirdest thing, I felt the energy between us had changed.

I am a very sensitive person to other peoples energy. I easily absorb it if I am not careful and I can always sense the energy shift in relationships. So when he arrived I was just getting dressed. When I came out of the bedroom to the living room, I could sense it immediately.

It was like a wall of some sort had fallen and I could see him more clearly and deeply than I had before. He was more open and I could feel it. It was a positive feeling, it was nothing I would be upset about.

This may sound ridiculous but I chose not to discuss Tuesday at this time. I am not going to forget it, I will address it but that was not the time. It was such a great evening, I was not bringing the toxicity of Tuesday and that experience into it.

I did not expect him to stay over, so when I came out of the bedroom and saw he had his bag I was a little surprised. Hey, it was a good surprise, but none the less, I had not expected it.

We had dinner and watched a movie and a show we DVR. It was super low key. When I got up first, I had the coffee made and took care of Mackey. When he woke up he had a fresh cup of coffee next to him on the bedside table. When he left he had a fresh cup of Starbucks to go.

This is what I do know, he gets what he has in me. Tuesday, is not a threat, but it will be addressed in the line of respect and boundaries. Sometimes we just need to enjoy the moment and be happy in that moment. I did not need a serious drama discussion on Friday, I just needed to be.

I know one of the lessons I am learning it patience and timing. I hate drama so this is a good lesson. Boundaries is definitely part of it and I will continue to make mine known and respected.

May all your waves be glassy.

Misjudged every time – I am an Atomic Blonde

I think that being blonde, loud, having big boobs and a bubbly personality is often misjudged. Sometimes it pisses me off and sometimes I realize what a gift I have in that caricature. My uncle would always tell me people are judging me and to be aware, I just never notice until it is more than obvious. Today I saw the preview for Atomic Blonde, I may not have a gun but I definitely relate to her.

So when I tell you my managers have always done this especially when they are men, I see it is my benefit. This week again I realized my boss is inept. He hides and never works literally until there is no other choice for him. Yesterday, his boss requested something that I realized I could not accomplish. He told me to call my boss and find the equipment. Three hours later he responded to my calls and email. He said it is handled to let it go. Well his boss did not tell me to stop, so I still proceeded.

I have been told that within the organization people may think I am a dumb blonde, but they are misjudging me. I think that this really plays into my hand. I am not going to let people know anything different until it is necessary. After all, if they want to judge a book by the cover, they should be surprised when it whips their ass.

So in reflection, I see it obviously happened with Tuesday as well. The thing here is that I am really confused. When I say confused, I mean if she really knew Danny, she would know that he is not attracted to dumb people in general.

I am sure she was informed I am a Doctor, and that of itself should say something. Well, I guess it didn’t. Today I am going to see Danny and I am going to let him know how hurt I was by the chain of events. I am also going to say it started with him sharing. I get he thought it was a safe share, but we now know it wasn’t.

I am not mad at Danny, I am mad at Tuesday and Sheldon. Let me be clear about the reason. Danny is still figuring out how things work. She was supposed to be his confidant. I have been in her shoes. I have and do always give it straight and honest. I would never entrap them to fuck it up.

Here is the other difference when I give the advice. I am never the one wanting to fuck or be with the person I am giving advice. I get it is a Harry Met Sally thing, men always want to fuck the girl. So if it was reversed it would have a different angle. She has and had an agenda. I almost feel sorry for the woman he dated last year.

Hagatha, she had her own issues but she was probably not as smart or as confident in the relationship with Danny as me. Now all the pieces fit together. She was intimidated by Tuesday, but not in the way Danny was told. Hagatha’s failure was to see it for what it was and to convey it accordingly to Danny. Maybe Danny was not ready to see it or maybe it was not as clear as my recent experience.

I am well aware that tonight I really don’t want to talk about this experience, but it is mandatory. The thing I know more is I want this to work and this needs to be a level set. As sure as the day is long, I know he already feels bad and realizes it started with him. I know the best way to discuss it is to flip it.

If we went out with a male friend of mine who I have known over 20 years, would what happened to me be okay with him? If he was ignored by my friend for the night,  before and after the snappy the turtle moment, would he feel disrespected? The answer to both is: Yes. Would it be tolerated? The answer is: No.

I need to feel safe in this relationship. I need to feel respected. I need to know the same holds true for him and I will do everything in my power to ensure that is always the case. If it slips, I am going to right the situation immediately. And just as I would right it, he must do the same. She cannot be part of our relationship, our issues cannot be safely shared with her, that was proven.

Somehow, yesterday I felt my power return. The fog cleared and I saw that Tuesday picked the wrong adversary. I have treated Danny with nothing but, respect, kindness and love. That goes a long way, I absolutely know it is not about the sex, although I know that is bonus. If he chooses Tuesday over me, well then so be it. I do not think that is going to be the outcome but I am prepared.

Danny as I see him now is a man of integrity. So really I think we will talk about it and move on. I am not a gambler, unless it was on driving to a beach for a surf session that may or may not happen. So when I tell you I think this is all good and it will be resolved and we will be stronger, I would bet on it. The ways he reached out this week, I know he feels bad and knows I did not deserve to be blindsided. I also know he must believe I was justified to some degree is taking Sheldon’s head off verbally.

Let’s be clear here, if Tuesday dumps Sheldon I could give a fuck. It will have no bearing on my requirements in regard to her. She is NOT to be included in our issues and I will be asked or given some notice we are seeing her.

Hey Tuesday, Go Fuck yourself, I am stronger, smarter and confident. I know at the end of the day he comes over and sleeps with me and I am the one on my knees for him in the bedroom. Be jealous as fuck bitch, you are not changing anything here. If it does change I am moving the fuck on.

Stay tuned.

May all your waves be glassy!

 

 

 

 

Energetic Ties

I have regained my power recently. I am not sure when or why it took so long to happen. Today I realized that I am not going to be a door mat. I have to speak my truth and I feel good about it. I have thought about it and I was starting to pull away again today.

This has not been the first time when I started to pull away. The part that is odd is every single time I start to pull away or just back away emotionally, Danny reaches out. The format has been different but it has happened before and it happened again today.

Earlier this week, I stripped my phone of the wallpaper of us. I then changed my Facebook profile picture. I removed the picture of us from the weekend with one of me from my boudoir shoot. It is the picture I chose for this post.  I did these things and then in the afternoon I get a text from him.

The text would not be odd in and of itself. It was what he said in it. I am not going to go into it but the fact was it made me stop. I took a long pause before I responded. Even then the response he gave was odd. Now it could totally be that he realizes that what happened on Sunday is a fuck up and it is his fault. He was and is the root cause.

At the time I just thought this is weird. I have felt anxiety before and known it was not mine. It is just part of being energetically sensitive. I am now seeing that this is really his energy lately.

So today, I decided enough is enough. I am going to tell him how I feel about what happened over the weekend and fuck it all if it is over. I did not care and I was of the mindset that he is probably over me too. So when my phone rang and it was him, I did not know what to think. Actually initially when he was talking I was thinking the worst.

I am always the half full in a relationship. I am always the positive one. I also know that the last two days I have been trolling for airfare to South America. I get it, I know what it would mean if I committed to Ecstasy. It is an easy fix and I would have to forfeit Danny.

The problem for me was I have a lot of known unknowns and they are not being addressed fast enough for me. I know at the end of the day that is the crux of it all.

This has not been an easy adjustment for me. I have to work at things a lot harder than I have in the past. The reality for me there is that things I didn’t work at did not work at all. So I sit here and work at it. Then I wonder is he working at it?

I had zero intention this week of bringing up the Respect issue until I reflected on it and now I know I have to do it. Well it won’t be just a Netflix and Chill evening. I have to tell him that respect and trust are important and essential to me.

If the role was reversed I know it would have been an immediate issue. I just sometimes am in the slow lane and it takes a while for me to see where the turn lane starts. I am not expecting drama. I will be prepared for it. I am just going to speak my feelings and needs. I was hurt and embarrassed again. If I am important to him, which I believe I am, then this is not a big ask.

Do not share our relationship with Tuesday or anyone else. It dilutes it.

If we are going out with Sheldon and Tuesday, I want to be aware in advance.

I love him and if I have to leave I will. I cannot be disrespected period. He should not want to spend time with people who disrespect him either. I am not making an ultimatum about Tuesday, I am going to just shine a light on her shade. He will do what he is going to do. I know in the end betrayal for him is a Cardinal sin, and when he sees her for what she is, he will drop her on his own.

I know now I cannot deny the connection. I think that is what happens with soulmates. The energy is definitely sensed by the other whether that is something they are aware of or not. That energy is a part of you and you need it and crave it. I am still going to be aware of what is going on, but I am going to work at righting the ship sooner.

I cannot live in fear. If he leaves, he leaves. If I straighten it out, then I am better as I will not have all that anxiety.

I hope all your waves are glassy.