Allegiance

So now that I am indoctrinated I have also learned much that will help me navigate the family dynamic. I initially believed that the only wall that was important was Danny. Today I realized it was not.

The fact that his children have dropped their guard and let me in is huge. I know they have had a lot of disappointments and I know the importance of family to them. Again I realized that the walls surround me and I am with them.

Initially, I only saw Danny now I see they are all with me. I am an only child. I never had children so being part of this tight knit group is new. Sure I had a large extended family, but this is different. I have an obligation to each one of them to be true and trustworthy with their feelings and actions.

I have already promised myself that my blog will not reveal their secrets or confidences. I want to keep those things close to my heart. I now see the other dynamics in the family and I will have to keep those in my mind at all times as well. It has now changed an external relationship forever. I did not even think that would come into play before today.

I am not willing to risk any of this. They are all too important to me. I still am having a hard time wrapping my mind around how they have each found a place in my heart. I had no idea I had room for them. I also feel that if they were not in my heart it would be empty.

How did this happen? I am grateful and realize I am blessed, beyond my own expectations. I have become a solid partner in the last four days. It was the partnership I had dreamt with added bonuses. I always told Danny I will side with him in front of the children. I also said if I disagree I skill tell him in private. I will always have him and his children as my allegiance.

I no longer fear how we will mesh our lives. It is happening and a lot quicker than I expected.

May all your waves be as glassy as the ones I am experiencing.

The Bricks fell one at a Time Quicker than Expected

I am a person who has said Fake it until you make it more than most. I think that I lived it this Thanksgiving and fortunately it all aligned quickly. Danny came over the day before Thanksgiving and before he left, he looked as if one of us was meeting the executioner in the morning. I saw the fear and it shook me.

Initially, I said my old fall back, “it is what it is” and I saw that was the wrong thing. I then took him by the shoulders and looked in his eyes and said it is going to be wonderful. I think I was trying to convince myself too. I heard a friend from work who said “what is there not to love when they meet you?” I prayed he was right.

I did not sleep well at all. I knew what was on the line. Danny’s words that he may be alone forever because his children did not want him to be with anyone. I was terrified too. But I had waited a long time for this day.  I cannot say how many times I had said rip the damn band aid off so if you need to let me go I can go.  Well that day was upon me.

I was scared and there was no other way to describe it. I just sucked it up and remembered how much I wanted this and how long I had been waiting. I must have played the David Lee Murphy and Kenny Chesney song “Everything’s going to be Alright” at least 5 times on the 5 mile drive from his house to mine. I was scared. I gathered myself as I pulled up to the house, took a deep breath and went to the door.

I decided to ring the doorbell. His oldest was wrangling his dog and he let me in. I went in with the case of wine and the cranberry sauce. I met the second oldest and they both shook my hands. Danny was obviously upstairs. I had texted him before I left my house and told him I was on my way and asked if he needed anything. I had not gotten a response. I asked the boys/en if they needed help it was declined, so I sat on the couch.

The oldest son’s girlfriend appeared. It was not until later I found out she had chosen to over indulge in alcohol the night before. She missed pretty much the entire Thanksgiving day and night. I talked to her for a bit. His youngest came down and introduced himself I went to shake his hand and I was engulfed in a bear hug. All the terror melted. Shortly there after I heard the text tone for Danny. He responded nope.

He then came down the stairs and was surprised to see me. In hindsight I am glad he let me fend for myself. It was better I made my own impression without him hovering.His daughter came down and there was a priceless Father/Daughter exchange about ripped jeans. I asked them if they had seen the Nick Saban press conference on it. They had not and I shared it later that night. It was too funny.

I did get time to know his second oldest and I was pleasantly surprised. I should not have been, as I really think he is more like me than not. I also spent time with the youngest and he melted my heart. Danny’s parents and two younger siblings also came to dinner.

Danny’s mom is adorable and I wanted to just eat her up. His dad, reminded me of Papi – Dan LeBatard’s father. His sister was nothing as I imagined and I did not get to know her. His brother well I gave it as good as he dished it out, we totally got each other.

I enjoyed the rest of the evening and it was so comfortable it flew by. I was invited by the second oldest to come for the big Rivalry games on Saturday. I was so grateful and touched. I was accepted. The fear that had been stirring in Danny did not come to reality.

I have been with them every day since Thursday. Yesterday, I spent a lot of time with his only daughter. I am happy she is open to getting to know me. I am also excited the two of us are going for a day trip to New York after Christmas.

Today, Danny and I went to the weekly Costco run and we had some really good discussions. I see now how deeply I am in this family and in his heart. He may not have said the words he loves me but it is evident.

I am pretty emotional about the turn of events. I have a relationship with each one of them in his family now. I had wanted this and now I see it  has melted me to my core. Somewhere along the way here they found themselves in my heart. I feel like they have always been there. I had no idea I had the space to love these people I barely know.

I ran one final errand for Danny so he could spend more time with his family. I came back to the house to drop it off. It was right as his youngest two were headed back to college. I saw the sadness in his eyes and I could feel it.  I knew more was coming as he still had to take one to the airport. I love this man and I am the one who helps him hit the reset button.

I waited a couple of hours and then texted him. “I saw the sadness in your eyes and felt it as I left you – I get why- but I am going to remind you how much they love coming home to be with you and the freedom that you give them is priceless. They love you deeply so reflect on that part and be happy that they enjoy coming home to be with YOU.”

I know he knows all these things it is just hard for him to focus on the good. I am working to help him stay in gratitude.

I am grateful for the glassy waves. I hope life is delivering you similar glassy waves.

Voices from the other side

Danny and I have started to have Sunday Morning breakfast time and the grocery shopping as our I routine. In one our drive one morning into Fredericksburg he was reminiscing about a lot of time prior to his wife’s passing. It was at this time that I asked about his view of a reading from a medium.

I have always felt that he needed more closure. I took the leap out and asked if he would be open to a reading from someone I had previously used. I asked because I was not going to just buy it and then see if he used it. He said he would be open, so I reached out to a psychic medium who I had previously  used.   So I bought Danny a reading with a medium. Her information is in the link I highly recommend her.

It was probably the best $60 I have spent. It was his first reading. So he called me before and asked me some questions.  He told me at that time that Tuesday had bought him one he never did redeem. When he referred to his friend as Tuesday I panicked. This gave me more of a scare initially then he made me realize she is a huge non-issue. No one refers to a friend as a Tuesday if they are besties.  : ) The scare for me was he found the blog. He clarified I had called her that previously. BAHAHAHAHAHA

The story he has and his experiences are his to tell. He had a lot of closure. I think that for me that was the biggest win. The second was the fact Tuesday is a non-issue.  I am so glad I have been patient and that things have started to unfold just as they should.

May all your waves be glassy.

My person

So slowly it happened. I got my person. Sure most girls my age think of Grey’s Anatomy – Christina and Meredith, “my person”. My person is now Danny. It has been a slow process and seriously I did not even see how it happened. I cannot tell you when it switched over.

All I know is we are now each other’s person. I think the more shocking part for me is that I am his person. Believe me I want to be each other’s person and I have waited a long time for this to happen.

I am just adjusting. For a long time in this 8 months he has kept me at bay. I was used to it, and then he started to drop the wall and let me in.

At some point I realize now he put the wall around us. It is comforting and safe. I think I am now just working at being. Sounds ridiculous but it’s what I am doing right now.

So in accordance with this comes the Holiday Season. I just assumed I would be on the outside looking in. Then he asked me to come to Thanksgiving Dinner. No pressure right? Just his parents, his siblings and his 4 adult children and what I am assuming the 2 girlfriends of the oldest and youngest boys.

I am just going to breathe right through it. I am releasing it all to the Universe. It’s all going to be alright.

Sitting on my board looking at the glassy waves. May all your waves be glassy.

Gifts exposed

Just like the earthquake reveals cracks in the earth, trust has exposed gifts to me. The gifts I have been told for years that I possessed. I always dismissed them and said they were wrong.

So once I started to listen to my intuition things changed. I believe that I have been broken open by my relationship with Danny. I also believe that my gifts are something I can no longer contain or hide.

I woke up several weeks ago and the first thing that came to my mind was that I needed to give Danny a chakra clearing. It was clear as day and it would not go away.

It took a while to get him to do it. Not because he did not want to but more of a scheduling issue. Once I did this other messages started to come through.

Now I wondered why now were the messages becoming so clear. It was like I could hear what I could not hear previously. I am now convinced that these messages were not meant for me to hear them until now. What I also believe is that my purpose is to heal and to teach others. I know and have known for a while that I am a light worker. The mission was never quiet this clear.

It was a revelation when I shared these experiences with Danny and he said he wished he had gifts like mine. The fact is he too has gifts and one of them is encouraging others to their purpose. Think about how many people discourage others and their gifts.

He was supposed to be in my life and today I asked about his wife and how they met. I know that it is refreshing and he wants to share. The thing here is I want to learn more about him and be closer to him. The story today made me love him even more, which I did not think possible.

These experiences together are bringing to fruition all of my dreams. I have a man in my life who is supportive and kind. He is everything I dreamt and manifested. The Universe does answer.

Last week, I locked myself out of the yoga studio. I visualized someone arriving who had a key. Three people arrived within 15 minutes and all within minutes of each other. I bring this up because I know it’s real and it works. The simple requests happen quickly and when they are more complex they take time.

I know I impatient but I asked for Danny 6 years ago. It was a detailed list. So just like a good recipe it takes time to create if you want it according to the desired outcome.

I would be a huge liar if I said I have been patient with the process. I was surprised today when I asked about meeting his children when his 2nd oldest was home along with the others over Thanksgiving. I should not be surprised he was open to it as I requested this happening.

Do I know it is going to play out? No but I will say it’s going to happen in a manner that is palatable for me.

May all your waves be glassy

Earthquakes start as tremors

Sometimes the earth moves while you are moving and you do not immediately notice. I think that is what has happened in my life over the past few weeks. It was all subtle. Then I looked up and the landscape had totally shifted.

Danny has changed in how he interacts with me. I have now become that confidant that I wanted to be to him. It was something that I did not see coming. It was something that when I realized it I wanted to cry and cheer at the same time. What I had felt and believed for so long had come true.

He is now coming to me and sharing his struggles and goals. This for me has been huge and that says volumes on where he is with me in his life. He is not a sharer like me. I get it. I have not shared everything I could have in the blog. I do keep somethings close to my vest.

We talk every day. He shares his day and he asks about mine. I know this sounds simplistic. Maybe it is but he was not in the habits of these acts before. It would or would not happen. I left things well enough alone. It obviously evolved on it’s own and it is just like I thought it would be in my mind.

We had lunch last week and he brought up Tuesday. It was funny, I did not cringe and I do not have any feelings for her. He shared a story about a man she dated in the past. There is no way in the world I would ever believe she did not know he was married. Danny is the one person in the world I would never tell that to because I know the reaction. So if he was my friend and I was dating a married man, the story would be sanitized.

The funny part was at the end of discussing her. He showed me the text she sent. I will say is that if someone means a lot to you and they know it, you do not repeat it and go over board. You would if you felt you were losing the persons attention, you turn into a puppy jumping up and down for attention. That is Tuesday.

She wants to golf with Danny and a friend of hers. He said WE when he responded to how he answered her. I would have loved to see her reaction. Whatever, I am over expending energy on her.

I am now focused on helping him to get to the goals he has set for himself and the goals I have for me in my life. In my life I have taken a step that will help me and as much as my ego was holding me back, I know this is right and what I need to do. So I have an appointment Thursday, it will be in full motion at that time.

My waves may have been choppy and a victory at sea, but now I see and feel the glassy ones under me. I am so happy things are turning around. I am praying the glassy waves are on the way for Danny too.

Symbolism more powerful than expected

It’s not lost on me the cleaning I have done in Danny’s house and deeper meaning.

I helped Danny this weekend watch his son’s dog. He was not supposed to work all 3 days but he did and every day was 12 hours. He was spent. He had already been spent on this job weeks ago.

I started to help on Thursday night. When I got to the house the kitchen looked like a frat house on a good day. There were dishes piled in the sink. The dishwasher was full needing to be emptied. There were clean dishes on the counter. A pan on the stove and a hot plate on the island. I started to freak out.

I am not good with clutter or mess. I am definitely someone who runs on organization and cleanliness. When Danny got home I said I would clean it the next day. He told me not to worry and he would get it. I was like ok, knowing full well I would clean it.

I did clean that and then some. This weekend was really a deep clean of his master suite, the living quarters and I cleared all the poop. In the yard (again). The main level of the house including the garage were cleaned and put back in order.

Initially, it was a dusting and washing of the floors. It grew and in the end I am still shocked all that I got done. I also organized his closet and cleaned the garage. I wiped down all the baseboards, and chair rails. I washed the windows and changed light bulbs. There was nothing left including cleaning the oven.

I was one step away from becoming my grandmother with the cleaning. The only thing that kept me from being my grandma was her love of bleach, borax soap, Brillo and Comet. I am still pleased with how clean the house was when I left last night.

As I was cleaning, I realized there was a certain symbolism on some aspects of the need for cleaning. The windows that were the dirtiest and darkest were his room and his office. I hoped that this was more than symbolic and it was. This just illuminated for me the reasons I was doing it. I was doing it to help him get his space clear and move his manifestations into a quicker reality. Clutter and dust will slow it down every time.

Every night when he came home, I was hoping he was happy about the slow transformation of his home. He was more thankful and happier than I could have ever imagined. I think it’s interesting he is so open to it. I am sure that the house has not been this clean since his wife passed and probably previous to her becoming really ill the last few months of her life.

I wondered today if when his son came home and saw the transformation, what was his response. There is no doubt the transformation was relayed or will be relayed to his siblings in a short period of time. It really does not matter to me because I did it for Danny. I wanted to help him get things moving for him. I wanted him to be at peace and have less to worry about when he is at home.

I also think there is an opening to discuss some other things. I am interested in his plan for some things being handled. I am going to start with the more benign ones to inquire. I will see where the conversation goes from there.

He thanked me more than I think I could have ever imagined. He promised to make the weekend up to me. I do not think he still understands that what I did made me happier than he could have ever imagined.

May all your waves be glassy.