Nordstrom or Walmart

So this morning I wake up wondering what I have created? I wonder what message have I sent or behavior I allowed. I think about words of wisdom given to me by women who love me. “People only treat you the way you allow, just as you pay the price on something, you too give people the price to pay.” “Protect your heart my friend”

So when I sit and think I have failed in both. I made choices because of my heart. My actions have received reflection from Danny on being worthy of my love. Yet, in his most recent actions I have to reflect and wonder for myself on his worthiness.

I have made him a priority, I am doubting if I am a priority. I know he hates my blog and he hates me sharing my and our lives. I found this quote and I know that is what fueled me to share my life and struggles. “What is most personal, is most universal.” C.R. Rogers

I am not a discount, I am a full price. I deserve to be a priority, I am not a side piece. I know those close to me think I make excuses for Danny. I am not thinking they are excuses. I work to understand his actions. I realize he was with the same woman for 32 years.

I have heard him speak about her and I see she was his guide for those years. I think he acts in what he thinks is the best interest of everyone. However, I do not think he always sees all angles or how his actions impact me. I have not cried about his actions until yesterday.

Sitting in the pedicure reading a text that cut me to the core is not what I had expected. The fact I was an after thought crushed me. Tears immediately started to well up in my eyes. I treasured our time together, I am not sure he does the same today. I hate that I am so lost right now in determining what is the best solution for me. What is it I am supposed to say to make my requirements clear? What am I supposed to do to make it clearer?

When we did speak, he seemed to really believe he had told me of the plans he had made for the next few weeks. This is not true. He thought it was not realistic to make plans further out when he himself did just that for his plans through Labor Day. I was without a thought as it seems and that is what crushed me.

I am going to have to make some decisions about my value, without giving his history value in it. I know one thing, part of the discussion has to be would this be acceptable for his daughter in a relationship? The fact is I know that would not be the case. Then he has to make a decision on how he behaves. His actions will have to dictate my responses, not my reactions.

I am already hurt, the next action must be to tell him how and why this is the case. He texted last night as if everything is fine. It is NOT fine. I am not FINE. Things have to change. I cannot repeat my past with allowing excuses to have behavior continue.

I am in the Rip today, but I know a glassy day is coming. May all your waves be glassy.

To text or not to text?

I will be the first to let you know I loved the teeter totter on the playground as a kid. The thing about it was it was both elating and terrifying at the same time. It also depended on who your partner was on it. Your partner determined really the experience. Would they slam it down and would you be able to hold on? Or would they freely glide and it go back and forth smoothly?

I think that in the beginning stages of a new relationship it is similar. You are determining if it is going to be smooth, or jerky or will you fly off it. You are enamored and vulnerable. It is now that you find the boundaries and you share what you need and want. Now that for me is a big aha moment. Recently I was asked how I made the same mistakes over again and again. It stung, and it hit deep. The fact is that they were 3 different situations, 3 different places in my life and the common denominator was me.

The root cause of it was at the heart of everything – fear. I am sure being vulnerable is uncomfortable for everyone. I think because I have had to fight and scrap my way through life, it is the worst place for me. I build large walls and new people are not let in quickly or easily. Fear can destroy everything and if I am scared I can make a mistake. Mistakes are to be made and lessons learned. I have had a lot of hard lessons.

So back to the teeter totter. When you first get on it is a play with the weight to see what the momentum needs to be to go up and down. I think life is a lot of ups and downs. When your partner goes to slow you need to tell them speed it up, if they go to fast likewise. What is common here is communication. My fear is in communication and rejection, plain and simple.

I fear what I ask for will jeopardize the relationship. In many cases I should have put up the stop sign in relationships and said this works for me or this does not.  If they could not give it to me I would have seen earlier and left. I stayed in fear and therefore the outcome was never what I intended.

I also would change my thoughts and say if they do this it must be right, even when it was not right for me. Or when my boundaries and requests were violated I feared the discussion and just acquiesced. Does not sound like the person I am in most relationships, and friends would tell you this seems like another person.

It is the most vulnerable place I can be when I am in an intimate relationship, stripped down, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is like I have taken off all my armor and I have no defense. It did not and does not have to be like that; I can choose to discuss it and be heard. I see I gave my voice away many times and for that I paid the ultimate price; I lost myself.

So today I find myself in a situation where I need to speak my needs. I do not believe I was steamrolled on purpose. I really believe that I did not make my needs clear enough. I am an old fashioned girl at heart. I love a phone call, I need the phone calls. I have been working through the texting and also stated I need phone calls especially when it is a bigger deal than I am on my way or have a good day. So this week I felt marginalized and I felt unheard, disrespected and unimportant.

I am not going to discuss what it was that happened, I want to say, I have no choice but to bring it up and get the air cleared. My heart was heavy and I was hurt; unintentionally albeit but hurt. I chose to be vulnerable, I chose him but communication is an art and it needs to be practiced. It turns out I may have gotten a BA in Communication but I suck at in certain relationships.

The other part of this stems from the fact I was more open and vulnerable this week than I had been in the relationship to date. In the relationship I am the one who has chosen to drop their guard, and this week it was a lonely place to be standing.

I feel myself pulling back and leaving fear into flat out terror. I know it is probably normal but I also know this relationship as it stands has the ability to cut me at my knees and I allowed that to be the situation. In order to have the relationship I want that level of vulnerability must be present. I am adjusting to that and accepting it for what it is and remembering to breathe.

I know I have to look into his eyes and tell him I love him and I am pretty reasonable but on somethings they are not wants for me they are needs. I need to be involved when my plans change, meaning call me so I can hear your voice and I can process it the best way for me, not in a text. I would have been ok (plans change)  on a call; the text sucked the wind out of me because he was supposed to call me anyhow and that obviously did not happen. Second, when I ask for something that I need, I want it to be respected just as I respect his wishes. I need to be heard and respected is the bottom line, I need to be able to respond, in a text it always leaves room to be a reaction. TEXTING HAS NO EMOTION AND CAN BE READ A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS AND STILL MISS THE REAL MEANING.

So as we learn to ride the teeter totter, I have to remain in trust with my feelings and judgement of him. I also need to voice my needs and obviously share my fears so I do not remain in that place. I am pretty sure he will reach for me and help pull me out of the darkness of fear but if I do not ask I will remain in the darkness terrified. I hate scary movies and I hate emotional terror even more.

I am hoping this ends the Victory at Sea and the glassy waves return for me. I still wish all your waves are glassy.

Bait and Switch or Seasons Change

So when I first started dating Danny it was in March. Soy his children were all away at school except for the oldest. The oldest was on vacation for a week and so the beginning he as an empty nester. We were together all the time. I somehow expected that to be the norm.

Then the anniversary of his wife’s death arrived, then Mother’s day and then summer. In that time our time was changed, altered and lessened. I get it and I am not bitching about the circumstances. I think for me it is more about is it realistic for me to think it will go back to that when we spend a lot of time together. I also have to think is it worth the wait?

I am totally torn today. I know a lot of that is due to the fact that I am hurt and angry about what happened to my weekend plans two days in a row. Friday he told me he cannot meet on Saturday and Sunday he tells me the plans he made with me need to change. It is not that they need to change because of an emergency, it is because he double booked. I am not sure why my plans got cancelled versus the others.

I know I have to ask about this versus making assumptions. When we discussed it today, he said he knows I am a planner but plans change for him all the time. I guess that would be fine if we made extended plans but really I barely get plans made with him within the week. So that is a bullshit statement to me.

I have a lot of plans for football this fall. I also realized that he is always welcome where ever I go, and that does not hold true in reverse. I still do not have a clue on what needs to happen for him to introduce me to his children or what his plan is on that front. I think I need a time out.

I need to have time and space to think. Maybe I should go on that fix up date with my friends brother. I just need to stop and think. I am not feeling valued and I do not think I treat him the same. I think I could also honestly say he does not see the lopsided treatment.

I am going to go sun myself and hopefully I will come to some peace within myself. In the meantime. It is radio silence from me. I was quiet and said very little at the end of our phone call and I am sure that spoke volumes. Additionally I am just going to work on me. I have plenty of job applications to fill out and I need to do my Isagenix trainings.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

Buy a calendar already

I am sure there are people who will read this and get it. I am also equally sure there are people who will be confused. I have to say that for me to stand up for myself is difficult in personal situations, versus in professional situations it is much easier for me to stand tall. I am aware the reason is that growing up my parents always made me feel I had to earn their love.

The issue for me has become I have taken that into intimate relationships in adulthood. The byproduct of this has been me accepting things that I shouldn’t or taking the crumbs when I deserve the slice of cake. Today Danny hurt my feelings more than I think I anticipated or saw coming.

On Friday I asked if he wanted to watch a movie on Saturday. This was when he told me he had plans with his 2 sons who are home to have dinner together before the youngest left to go back to college. He said how about Sunday? I agreed. We had also had plans to golf this weekend upon my return from the West Coast.

Today is Sunday, I texted from the nail salon to ask what the plan was for today. I was told he had double booked and forgotten about it. So my plans were nixed. This is also in addition to him telling me on Friday he had to take his son back to college next weekend. I had not been told of any of this until that discussion.

This reinforces my need for conversation NOT texting. He really believed he told me his plans. We talked when I got home and he tried to tell me he had told me of all of his plans for the next 3 weeks. Which I told him he absolutely did not. I can assure you if he had I would have written it down.

He then told me that he was going to the VT/WV game and he bought the tickets. He told me that he told me when he had bought them 2 weeks ago. Again, he was mistaken. I think maybe he thought about telling me but he did not. He had mentioned he was thinking about it so I already marked it down as done. So today when he tried to tell me he told me I corrected him.

If he said it may happen, I would mark it down to block out the calendar. I have a game on Saturday and he has a game on Sunday. Labor Day Weekend is a bust, just like Memorial and 4th of July. I see the issues. Believe me I see them. I also see I am a part of the problem.

I am allowing this behavior. My schedule is pretty open so it works for him. Until September. In relation to September he brought up the VT games and I said you made it perfectly clear you would not be celebrating my birthday weekend with me early on because of the Tech game. He said he did not think he presented it that way. It does not matter, my feelings were hurt when he did at the time, PERIOD.

This all leads me to the fact relationships as adults are difficult. It makes me think that going back with Ecstasy would be so much easier. I know he is married, but then it is just comfortable sex that is good. I do not think Danny is capable of becoming a drug and a just sex relationship. Maybe I am wrong but I think that you have to have a certain mindset.

Now that we are exclusive, I feel trapped by all of this. I am just not sure what I am supposed to do now. I have to take myself out of the bargain bin, that much I know. I think I have stated time and time again, what I need and what is important to me. Maybe I have not been clear enough. I have to rethink this.

He said he will see about us getting together later in the week and once he knows what day he has to take his son back to school. I think I will be writing him a letter. I do best with penning my thoughts, that is why I love my blog.

Stay tuned and in the meantime, may all your waves be glassy.

Realizing you are part of each other

So for the longest time I would hear people tell me how they were energetically connected to others. I also thought cool, but it never happened to me. I know I am energetically sensitive. I have proven that out time and time again.

I now have to think about things and make sure I clear my energy. In addition, I also have to block some people. I absorb energy so easily it can impact me quickly. So when Danny came along things started to happen. Initially, I was pretty chill and calm. Soon after we really connected I felt anxious.

I started t think that I was insecure and panicked a little, okay sometimes a lot. I will say there was a lot going on so it is not out of the ordinary for me to panic. I would not say it was a crazy thing to think either.

In just about a 10 days we will have been together for 5 months. In this time I have realized something huge. I realized that I can feel him, I can feel his energy. This is awesome yet a burden. The first time I started to really take note of this connection was while we were in Pennsylvania.

We had checked into our room and I was napping, he was listening to a business call. I started to get this anxiety. When I say anxiety I mean I was starting to hit a flat out panic. It was heavy in my chest and I was thinking what the hell is wrong with me. This was the last day of our time together and we were going to Longwood Gardens that night. The following day was his wedding anniversary and he was going to see all his children.

I ignored it and thought maybe I ate something. Well it has happened more than once since then and not always when we are together. I know there are people who think this is too WOO WOO for them and that is acceptable. I just know what I feel and how it impacts me.

Today I realized the energy is strong between us. It is like we share the same nervous system. He is not nearly as aware of this if at all. I think this because I texted him from LA I was panicked about going to Vegas alone. I was scared I would not find my friends. I was really panicked. In hindsight, I realize the other reason I was panicked was I had a horrible experience with a former girlfriend the last time I went to Vegas.

I also did not know a lot of the other people and as crazy as it sounds it was overwhelming to me. I think Danny fails to see that part of me, and for now that is okay. So back to today. This week since I came home I have been super anxious again. Crazy anxious.

I had been texting with Danny this week and told him I was sorry he was stressed about work. He blew it off saying he was not stressed. It is a total facade. When he finally came over yesterday I could see it and I it affirmed my thoughts it was his stress I felt. I doubt he has felt my anxiety as his outweighs mine.

I will concede I am looking for a new job. That is not stressful, as I have a job. I hate my current role but the fact is I know that is not causing the stress levels I have been feeling. This is all new for me. I have to learn to compartmentalize it and decipher whose feeling I am experiencing. I also need to learn I cannot fix it for him. I just have to be aware.

Oddly enough, I would not change this experience. The path I am on I know is where I am supposed to be right now. I know he is letting his walls down, I feel him. If he was still super guarded I doubt I would be able to feel him like this. I also know this is something special so, I am going to work through it.

May all your waves be glassy.

Anticipation

I realized today that Danny misses me too. There have been a couple of times when Danny has had a panic attack or moment or something but I would not have it. It usually involved the time apart needed for his business. In these moments I have brought up the point, maybe we will isa each other, maybe we won't or maybe one will miss the other while the other doesn't feel it.

I am pretty assured that we miss each other. In another separation we will still miss each other. It was a pleasant surprise for me. I do not think either of us expected it. I mean we care about each other, but,I do not think we realized how much.

The communication between us has kids caked it up a notch. I miss him so much I am counting down the time until I can hug him and look in his eyes. I think now looking back that I should have seen his actions leaned toward his feeling the same.

I have no other words than, that's a more.

May all your waves be glassy.