What is born before you arrive, will always appear

Sometimes the Universe just has to fuck with you. I have not blogged about this friend of mine until now. We were in high school band at different schools that were directed by the same teacher. He went to an all boys high school in one city and I went to an all girls school in another. The band members always seemed to get to know each other that were directed by the same teacher. So it was not odd we met up. I was a sophomore and he was a junior.


I guess the deal here is that I have learned a lot about me, and my soul family from our relationship. It has been on again and off again since 1987. He really is my twin flame. Ironically yesterday I therapy I told my therapist there was nothing here in VA for me. Then last night, he messaged me again after 10 years. The separation 10 years ago crushed me.


When we first met, he had a crush on me. I still have the cards from the roses he would give me and I smile thinking of them now. I just may pull out that photo album today to reminisce. Ok I just did. Those pictures and memories make me smile.


I learned a lot about love from him. For this blog his name is Ryan. He loves the Cubs just as much as I do, OK, probably more than me. I have always thought that the Cher/Peter Cetera song put it best about us: The Next Time I Fall. It really is the truth. Now that we have reconnected again, nothing is truer in my mind and no one could tell me otherwise.


He is definitely a past life soul mate. I cannot describe the connection. So let me just recap our relationship. We were inseparable friends my sophomore and junior year. He is a year older so then he went of to Marquette University. I visited a couple of times and then while he was there he met his now wife, Sybil. She has hated me, and the idea of me since day one of him telling her about me. I have never been more hated then and I am not sure about now but whatever.


She was his first sexual encounter. He told me everything. I hated everything about the way she treated him. Believe me if I had thought at the time I was ready for the love with him I would have jumped in. I just hated her jealousy, I hated that she did not understand him like I did. The thing I hated most was she hated me and did not give me a chance.

Jealousy will do that to a person. Makes me wonder what the karmic tie in a past life was and I have cleared that shit today again, I am not revisiting her next life.


I know Ryan loved her. He loved her so much he ended our friendship because she demanded it. I was devastated. I let it go. I loved his parents and I loved him so I lost more than one person in the deal. I wanted him to be happy no matter what the cost. He taught me about selfless love and really loving a person.


I have a best friend who is a woman where I forgot this lesson (over a man and his treatment of her) and we lost touch for years as well. The difference there is women who are really sisters reconnect and we did. The issue here is Ryan is a good man PERIOD. I know it was hard for him to give me up. His mother told me so before I left Chicago and moved to LA. I stopped at her house and gave her a letter for him.

I do not know if he still has the letter but I do know it told him how much I loved him. It told him how much I missed him and how much he meant to me. Me letting him live his life without me was real love. I wanted only the best for him. I knew the jealousy in his life was not good. I could not tell him otherwise. I told him in college and he made the choice he needed for his journey.


When things started to get serious between him and Sybil, I told him this is NOT what love was supposed to be. She should love him and trust him. He could not be swayed. I see now that this was the first time I loved someone enough to let him or her fall and be hurt. It was tough. I hated it. I FUCKING HATED IT. It hurt me so deeply.


Mutual friends told me, when his mom passed. I knew she always believed we would be together. I was so sad. I loved her too and she was amazing. I have believed every time he came back in my life she was at work in the other world. Today I feel no different.


We lost power here yesterday at 1 PM. I went to bed super early and I woke up and saw the FB Messenger at 2:30 AM. I thought about responding or not. I thought it could be a trap like Sybil had set previously. I did not want him to have grief because of me again. So let me share some more of the story.


About 10 years ago we reconnected. At some point we linked up on LinkedIn and on FB. We met up before that in DC for lunch and it was great to see him. I still lived in LA and was visiting a friend at the time. I had to be at least 12 years ago as I was still married to Alan. We would keep in touch and then he was on travel to San Diego and I had divorced Alan.


I drove down to San Diego with Mackey and I got my own hotel room. Mackey had his first elevator ride that trip. We met up for dinner and off to a pub with music. It was so awesome. I love being with him. I feel safe and loved and comfortable. Then some time later it happened. Sybil found out we were friends and lost her shit.


When we were together we talked about her jealousy. He knew it was not healthy but he made accommodations for her because of his boys. I knew why he did and I understood. I still felt sad because I knew there was more to love and life than that situation being ok. I know he knew too. I did not dwell on it, as I was just happy to have my friend back.


So one morning I woke up and saw the FB message our friendship was over and his marriage was more important. Sybil had been on a rampage and Ryan was in her cross hairs and I was the carnage again. I was fucking devastated. The words did not sound like him and I knew I had to bow down because of how much I loved him. It is again, not what I would have chosen for him.


What I did know was that it was his journey. He had to find his own voice and his own worth. I could not make the choice for him. I cried. Friends told me to protest and email him back. I loved him too much to do that to him. I always knew that he understood how deep my love for him would always remain.


Again it was like I had to cut off a limb. It sucked. So when I got the FB messenger request last night I read it over 3 times. Then I knew his mom was at work again. She always knew we were supposed to be together in this lifetime one way or another. It did not matter if it was a lovers or friends, we were supposed to be together.


Today, we Instant Messengered for a long time. It was like nothing changed. Then today I knew that we were always connected and that the Twin Flame card from Sunday was him, not Rex. I also knew his love for me has never changed. That is something to be really touched by in my heart and soul. When we were talking I felt the energy all of it, the good the bad and the future.


It was like an electric shock. Not in a bad way, but that is the only way I think I can describe it. I tried to explain my gifts but I know that because of our souls, he will understand it when I do share in person. How weird is it that we work 10 miles apart? Not very. Right? Because we will always find each other, and our souls will connect.


I love him more today than I have ever loved him. The courage it took to try to connect with me cannot be minimized. I will always love him and always allow him back in my life. I feel like a piece of my soul puzzle is back.


May all your waves be glassy.

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