Closing out a year on a big note

So I have been on this journey now for almost a year with this blog. In that time I have reflected on my past as well as looked at my present. The present has been a tough navigation for me. I have worked on myself and looked at situations closer than I ever did in my past.

Ironically while I was finishing my post about gratitude was when he called me on Saturday to alert me to an issue in the family and our relationship. It was bad he told me and we needed to talk. WTF, I was honest in my answers to his questions and he said he would get back to me tomorrow. 22 hours later on ice I was, and that was probably not a good thing for his expectations on how I would be when he called. I was dead calm and detached, I am sure my bitch face was on too.

I have endured a lot of drama this year. I will agree with those closest to me that a lot of it, okay the majority of it was from Danny. I think I put in the good fight and now I am taking off the gloves and retiring from this ring. When I say this ring I mean the one with him and our journey together. I can in all honesty say, I gave it everything I had and it was the best I could give every day.

I am not sure he can say the same, but maybe he can and that is his journey. A friend at work compared me to the sun this week. You may be aware I have a friend whose family refers to me as sunshine, so this was ironic. I think I probably am more like the sun than not. When I am all in it is bright and big coming at you. I will warm you with my love and affection and not think twice because it is who I am. Also when the sun burns bright and does what it does, people can be burned and overwhelmed. I realized today that most people are not the sun.

So the end with Danny boiled down to the adult children, his need to please them and lack of boundaries. I am aware that they felt the following things I did were a violation of their space and respect it I will, agree with it I will not. I was in a relationship with Danny for 9 months, I heard all about them for that time and I misjudged only a couple of things, which I will own.

  • I wanted to have dinner with all his kids and celebrate his oldest sons birthday with Danny’s and I attempted to plan it – FAIL.
  • I stood up for his daughter with the oldest son’s girlfriend’s mom. Not my place.
  • Actually the issue really was that this woman (the oldest son’s girlfriend’s mom) and I had been friends a lot closer than everyone knew and I got a lot of information about the family that should have clued me in earlier to leave.
  • I did not agree with the lack of communication with his children. So until his financial fall which will be shortly, his children will think I am just crazy about money. The issue here is barring a miracle, Danny’s home will be in foreclosure this week and he cannot stop it this time. His children have no idea, and I told Danny he should tell them our of trust so they are not stunned. He disagreed.
  • I suggested the family do a New Year card, I left it up to his daughter,  since Danny wanted to do a Christmas card and that time had passed. – INTERFERENCE
  • His daughter reached out to me for help on her job search and I took the bait. I failed to see this was not her opening the door. I guess it was her using a person.
  • The other issues his daughter shared with me sucked me in and I should have been stronger and not taken the bait as I was closer than I was with her. FAIL.
  • I gave him money. I know, I know, I know. The clues were there early on. He asked me for $800 in the summer for cell phone and cable. I did not help. Then in November he had not gotten paid and I gave him $150. A month later before Christmas I gave him $200. Things I could not afford but did as I wanted him to have grocery money. – FAIL How is this a fail? He was using it to buy them restaurant food without a thought that I was sacrificing at my expense for him to be able to eat out. I know I gave the money I have no control on how he spent it. My fail.
  • He asked me for $10K to save the house, I said no. He asked me if I knew anyone who could loan it to him for 60 days. I said I knew someone but no.
  • I booked the tickets to go to Minnesota on Friday. I will eat that cash every day until forever, I wish I had waited on the Fare lock, but I did not. I am not going anywhere with him. He can take his ticket and go, I do not care. FAIL.
  • I told him to get someone else to go with him, I am not going, so why waste the hockey tickets. Maybe the asshole in me is thinking to sell them. I actually am thinking that today, will table the thought for now. He told me he could not think past the weekend when I brought it up.
  • I discovered he was not faithful to his dying wife, that would not be an issue if he owned it. It was also that he was unfaithful more than once. He painted his undying love for her in a different light. I am sure it is guilt but it is not my issue. I found out and now I cannot unknow it. FAIL
  • He betrayed the trust of his children and his deceased wife in how he spent the life insurance money. She made him promise to pay the house and the children’s college, he took a financial risk instead. He has put himself in his financial prison and he took ownership of this in a round about manner, this like the unfaithfulness he is unaware of my knowledge.
  • His children are still seriously supported by him at a time he cannot afford to do so, cell phone and car insurance and full cable line up and sports add on packages with every game package imaginable. Totally irresponsible FAIL

My point in all of this is really, he is flawed. He is not emotionally healthy. The lack of boundaries with his children are not my issue, they are his. I cannot be in a competition everyday. A grown ass man does not need to spend every minute of every day with his adult children. He has a lot of issues. This is not a man to choose to be a partner, he makes poor choices and has a huge lack of boundaries.

I will understand it can be empty nest, however, it is time for them to leave the nest. It would be one thing if he had healthy boundaries, but he does not. He told me more than once his children’s approval is mandatory. He has given them so much power it is a no win. He is now attempting to live his life to make up for his previous shortcomings. You cannot change the past with things or money.

He acts like it is him and his children against the world. It is only like that because they are choosing that outlook. I am not sure what the outside world did to them that was to tragic. So I am sure me coming in with my ideas of having a dinner together to celebrate birthday’s is ridiculous and out of line. Well that is all fine and good with me. I am not going to fight every day, I do not have the energy or desire.

The comments when his financial train comes in that there will be no women to do things with is ridiculous. He is already in that prison, he put himself in that prison. His children will be even more ridiculous when and if there is money involved. He cannot make decisions on his own about his life, without their approval. Guilt sucks, I get it. You cannot make up for the past.

Each new day is an opportunity to make better choices and a better life. I have discounted myself here again. I am not mad about it. I have learned a lot in the last 9 months. I will say I think Danny believes he will have a solution after his time out suggestion yesterday. He will come back thinking the kids are at school so we can play until they return. Not likely.

Well it is literally a new day, a new year and a new life. He suggested a break, I asked for clarity, I believe those of you who read my blog before know I have been on this road before. Giovanni asked for a break, I gave it to him begrudgingly that time, and when he came back I was on the break enjoying life to the fullest, and I never went back (not in a relationship that he thought we would). This time I was like okay. I even suggested we end it, he was not having that option. So it was easier just to let him go down this ridiculous time out road.

I got back on Match yesterday, I am just going to chill with it. I am not in a hurry. What I do know for sure is that I am a catch. I also know that when the sun does not shine it is cold in the dark. I am sure the darkness and the cold, will come as a shock to Danny, but I am a survivor. I think he may have mistook my caring for weakness.

IMG_1103

The mistakes he has made in judging me are his. I have taken his children off my social media, all my social media. I have taken a break from Facebook and I know I will be okay. I posted the above photo as my last post before my FBcation post. I am already sure Danny is doubting this break idea.

He texted me 40 min after we spoke yesterday. The text was a screenshot with accusations that I had taken off my location services. The irony, is actually I saw that the night before and somehow thought he had done it but blew it off as it was not that important. Why the fuck would he care about that seriously, if the break was a good thing in his mind. Whatever. I am sure ringing in the new year at home with his children was AWESOME.

I am sorry things did not work out. A friend asked me to put a pros and cons list together yesterday and the thing was I could not come up with more than 3 pros. The con list was huge. So I just kept moving along and did not put it on actual paper, what was the point?

Life is short, the waves will come, today there may be victory at sea looking from the shore, but I know one thing. Glassy waves will come again. I am not going to cry in my coffee about this, I know he will come back and think it is going to be okay.

It won’t be okay unless he changes his boundaries with his children, that my friends is never going to happen. Why? you may ask.  Guilt is a mother fucker and once you go into the ring thinking you will beat her with some actions or things, you have already lost. He is losing and does not even see it.

I know he has misjudged me as most. When I am done, I am done. I do not think I can deal with this shit any longer. A dear friend was more angry at him for his treatment of me than I was over the summer, I was putting a discount on me. I love her and the fact is I had to get to this place on my own. I am there and I get it.

His heartfelt speech on Christmas, I thank him for that but the actions are much stronger. I do not want this pattern to continue. He does not deserve my love nor do his children. The wall is up I have closed the door and I will emerge later stronger just as a butterfly from her chrysalis.

That first night he went out with me, it was a late one. When he left I was freaked out. His words to me were I am the adult not the child. This was in reference to what his son would think about him coming home so late. That may be the image he liked to portray but it is not realistic or his life. If he switched it to that it would be different.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

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