Last Friday I decided I wanted to give Danny his Christmas gift. I had planned on giving it to him over the weekend, and the moment presented itself.
I had not expected to spend the evening with him as he had plans. I wanted to give him the gift over the weekend because I wanted that intimacy and privacy for that moment. I was correct in making that choice.
We were watching television and he asked if I had seen the movie Family Stone. I had not. At the end SPOILER ALERT, SJP’s character gives the family a framed picture. I took that moment and seized it. I had a picture for him as part of the gift. Perfect tie in.
So after the movie was over and he was crying. I see the parallels and I absolutely get it, the mom dies of breast cancer and the children are all adults. It seems there are a lot of movies like this and they are tough to process.
I gave him the picture first. I told him that that picture is unabridged joy to me. I see it in both our faces and I want him to experience it more often. I then had him open the folder. In the folder were the 2 tickets for the Gophers vs Notre Dame in January. He continued to cry.
I know we are both givers and love giving gifts. This is what I thought all of it was about until this week. When I learned he was human then it put everything else into a different light. I see why he thinks he is unworthy. I think he is steps away from beating himself with a cat of 9 tails. He needs to learn forgiveness. Forgiveness of his own shortcomings.
I think for me that is the hardest lesson. I still struggle with it. I will tell you that today I am more of a person who looks at things and asks if that is what I want and if it will matter. I think that exercise of 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years helps me.
I know he is grateful. The part that saddens me is that he does not seem to feel worthy enough. That is the rub for me. When I told him what his Birthday present was and the add on the same thing.
This time he went into the ugly cry. Believe me I can keep a secret, but he was having such a shit day, I told him. I told him I found his friend Guy and we would be meeting up with him and his wife. He was like how? Why? Thank you. He was on cloud 9.
I am still learning about him and he is still learning about me. There is a lot to learn.
May all your waves be glassy