Running and Stopping

]I think I really missed my calling sometimes. I think now I could be a professional runner. I just would not be a runner in the traditional sense at all. I want to run from this relationship. I am not good being scared, I am not good being out of my comfort zone.

The crazy shit is that I wanted to be in this place. The crazier thing is every time I run I find that some how in some way Danny’s wife comes to me from the other side. She stops me every time. I always think that leaving and running is logical. I can tell you 100% my friends will say run as well.

Yet she comes to me in different ways and I stop every time. I want to run, seriously I do. Today I put in a question with a woman who does Angel card readings.  I absolutely expected her to tell me to “Run Forest, Run!” Well that did not happen.

This is the excerpt from the FB Live she did 12/11/17. 

Well, well, well. Again she trumps me and my escape. Previously, she has had people come to me and tell me things that made me reassess. There have been songs that keep repeating and my car radio stations changing. I talk to her, I also have pulled my own Talking to Heaven cards. In the last 2 of 3 times the card that came up was “I have become one of your guides”. Well I guess now I can say it is not me reading into things.

I know this is all really scary for me. I know my absolute terror is repeating my mistakes. I know I am growing. It is difficult to put into words how hard it is for me. I am a type A overachiever. I know my weakness has been my marriages. I fault myself and it is all wrong and misplaced.

The cards she drew for me could not have been more powerful. I am grateful for her message.IMG_3488

Ironically on the anniversary of her death I pulled the same card from the Talking to Heaven Deck – I am here helping you. I interpreted it was for Danny at the time. Now, I wonder if it was for me and Danny. Either way it does not matter. I am staying put. The card meanings are always detailed further than the single statements on the card. It is also the messages that come to the reader.

That reading was very powerful for me. I am and have been humbled by the love I am having for Danny’s children. I am not the Mama Bear in the true sense, but I will protect them, stand up for them and most of all love them unconditionally. I am also going to do whatever I can behind the scenes to keep things run smoothly. More to come on that as it unfolds – TO BE CONTINUED.

Today, Danny was having a rough day. It is December, work is crazy, his wife’s birthday was a week ago (it is sandwiched between the 2 middle children’s birthdays) and Christmas is on the horizon. I am grateful that he is honest about what he is feeling. I am supportive and I give suggestions. He is my person and I told him I am his person so he can say anything.

I also made the decision that this weekend, we are going to do something fun. Just me and Danny. I have also decided that I am giving him his Christmas present alone and early. I want to keep the intimacy on this just us. It is our first Christmas and I am going to treasure it.

For the record, today I had a photo printed and framed it. FUCK THE FRAME COMMENT. I am doing what I want and he will have to make a decision to move into the present and head into the future. Once I have an idea of how our weekend can line up, meaning Saturday and Sunday all day or just Saturday night and Sunday, I will make the plans.

I am paddling into this wave, I am popping up and I know this is going to be a stellar drop in. I am sure we will all hear me claiming that wave with my hands in the air screaming WEEEEEEEE at the top of my lungs.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

 

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