My voice cracked but I think I was heard

So I still find it odd that I have a hard time with speaking up when I think it may cause problems. I think it is hard for me to find my voice when I have a boundary that I fear the response. Today I let my Faith be bigger than my Fear. I hate being scared.

The fear was telling my feelings and being minimized, or even worse him walking away because of them. I look back and I am not sure where in my life this pattern started. I am sure it was as a child and being a “pleaser”. I was the one who took care of everything. I had to make sure everyone was happy.

So today when I took a deep breath at breakfast and started into the questions I needed to have answers, I was terrified. I was terrified of being thrown to the curb, of my feelings being ignored. None of which Danny has ever done to me. Yet, fear is in the background taunting me.

So, I opened it with the information on the post the medium put on her page about his reading with her. He was taken back a bit, I know because I could see it in his face. He is a private man, so it was a shock to him that something so personal was on a public page. I told him that no names were given that people would recognize. I think that calmed him. It still took me some time to come out with my questions.

I know that he did not get grief counseling and now it could not be more apparent. I mean I have seen it all along. I also see that I have played that role of counselor in our relationship. He may or may not realize it, and that has no bearing on the situation. We are in each others lives for a reason.

I told him I had an issue with the pillow being on the bed. I reminded him of how I felt about energy and that this on a bed where we slept and were intimate is not okay with me. I told him that I have been so open to things and if it had been there when I first met him that would be different. I said that is not the case so this makes it hard. I started to cry.

I put my sunglasses down and wiped my tears. I told him this is hard for me. I work to be respectful and understand. I am not selfish or jealous and I know I am different than other women, but this is where I have a problem. I said I was accepting of the pictures of her on either side of the bed. I see her all through the house, I get it I told him that was all true. However, this instance was the first time I needed to seek professional counseling for me. He told me he feared this was a slippery slope where it would grow.

Then he shared more, that told me he is not letting go. He asked if it was ok to put it on the dresser with the pajama bottoms she passed wearing. The Pajama bottoms were something really new. I said it is not on the bed. I said I know you are working to let go and it is tough. My issue is the pillow was not there when I first came along and now it is on the bed.

I said even me with my past, I would not be into a three way spiritually with my spouse. I would be upset if my husband put a pillow from our wedding on the bed he sleeps with and is intimate with another woman. So for me there is no way his wife would be accepting of this arrangement.

I said the pillow has significance. I get it. It could be part of your children’s weddings or grandchildren’s christenings. He told me no that would be too much for them. I disagree, but when the time comes I will say it then.

I said this is like me dressing in her clothes. He then told me that his ex-girlfriend took sweaters that were his wives. This is freaking me out and creepy. I then said ok, if we were moving in together and you said I had to bring a dresser because your wife’s things had to remain, that would be a problem. I also was clear on what I felt the bedroom meant to me if we lived together.

I said the bedroom would be the one place that I would have to be allowed to decorate how I felt comfortable. I said if you made your house a museum to her that would be an issue. If you commissioned art, then it would not be a surprise like the pillow. I told him again, there is a lot of reminders of her in the house now, so I do not see me making demands. If I was going to have made demands I already would have done it.

I am hopeful that this is him healing in his own way. He did not have grief counseling, I think this is proof why it would have been helpful. I am respectful, I know he loves me and that I do not ask for unreasonable things. I also see that he has his own defense mechanisms.

He said again he does not know if any woman can handle the things with him. He added not even me. I see this is his fear arising, so he starts to build a wall. He is again rushing ahead in his mind, a lot further than I rush ahead. I am aware he is trying to balance life.

I am working to balance my life as well. Just as I am an adjustment to him, he and his family is an adjustment to me. I love him and am willing to work through my issues an fear. It takes time for me to breakout of my patterns and to see it is okay. He will have to have the same or a similar experience.

I am still paddling to avoid the rip. May all your waves be glassy.

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