Breathe

I always forget how sensitive I am to energy. You would think I had the memory of a gnat sometimes. Today is one of those times when I really miss the water and my surfboard. I could always clear my head in the line up. It is not possible today to have that luxury.

I realize that Danny is now sharing. He has dropped a lot of walls. He is trying to share with me and in that process, we need to learn more about each other. Of course I will always help him. Of course I want to be a part of his life. No I do not want him to sanitize his life before me. That said, it is still difficult. There is a learning curve here.

I do not think he realizes the curve. I appreciate him bringing me into his life. It is just that this weekend, actually just Sunday, it was a lot in a small period of time. I felt as if I was in the spin cycle and wave after wave kept coming. I did not have time to catch my breath. I have described to him the energy I feel from him as drinking from a firehose. Sunday was attempting to drink right from the fire hydrant.

After he told me he searched for the pillow for 45 minutes he also told me he found her eulogy. Then he asked if I wanted to hear it. I was in a no win. Here he is wanting to share and I had wanted this but I was on emotional overload. When I asked him what he was going to do with the pillow he said he put it on the bed. I asked why and he said that’s what Holly wanted. It felt as if all the air left the room.

I did take a clearing bath last night, it helped clear the energy and I slept last night. I did go to Danny’s after work. I brought the lasagna and I am not mad but we did not eat it. I ended up finishing a podcast on his couch while his son and his girlfriend watched Netflix. Danny was finishing up his work. I am thankful he finally went to Urgent Care, although he kept telling me he was fine.

It is NOT just any pillow. It is a wedding pillow. I see the meaning of it. However, I realize he does not see what it says to me. We did not have any time together for me to vocalize this to him. We only talked for a little bit. In that conversation I told him my ex-husband apologized and was sorry for all he did to me. I did see a glimmer in his eyes that he did not know how to process it. When I told him I had a shitty day, in that moment, I could not tell him the real reason, or get it cleared, as we were not alone.

I also realized sometimes I need to just be alone to process things. I need some space right now. It is a Mercury Retrograde and it always affects me. So maybe a tiny time out will be good for me. I did not text last night or this morning. I just need to decompress. I know he is not choosing a dead woman over me. What I am concerned about is that I am in so damned deep there is a high likelihood of me being crushed like I have never been crushed before.

I have not been this vulnerable since I dated before Alan. I was not this vulnerable for Alan or Dickshot. Alan crushed me so don’t get me wrong, but he was the rebound of the man who truly crushed me. I do not know that I can handle that again. I know Danny and I have a solid relationship which allows me to talk freely, I am just not ready to talk about it.

I think it is super important to take this time for me. I need this space. I need to be okay being vulnerable. I will have the conversation and let him know how I feel. He has been too thoughtful to not understand. He also has said before that he cannot question or judge how I feel. I have not told him how I feel so that needs to be said and I will see how it pans out.

This is a small rip, the good news is I see it in its actuality. I am now just paddling along the shore out of the rip. I will then sit in the line up and breathe. Then I will wait for the wave I am destined to ride on this issue. Just knowing I will feel better with the release of the wave calms me.

It is really funny how the analogy of surfing works to the game of life.

May all your waves be glassy.

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