Struggles

I have to be honest. Really honest, the struggle comes and goes for me. The struggle to understand and be compassionate. I think that sometimes I fear I am being too compassionate or empathetic. I think it is a fine line.

I worry that I am being sucked down the rabbit hole. I want to understand. I want to say I am confident in myself and my relationship that this is normal. I just do not know sometimes. I feel that yesterday it was a big step. He took me to her grave. I know that is sacred ground. I get that part, truly I do.

It is the pillow that was mentioned in his reading from the Medium, that I am now having a problem. I do not have a problem he has it. I do not have a problem he went to look for it. I am struggling with it belongs on his bed. I am such a person about energy, that this is a struggle. Seriously, I know it is a pillow.

Let me share about the pillow. It was a wedding gift from his wife’s sister. It was monogrammed and put on their bed for the entire length of marriage. It sounds ridiculous that a pillow is shaking my belief in him. However, it is shaking my tree. I am working to release it. I am not insecure or jealous as a person.

This pillow is trying me. I know that when people die, their faults are things that fade quickly. I know my cross is bearable. I know I feel guilty living in what was supposed to be her life. Danny never minimizes how I feel when I share so how can I share this? I am struggling here.

I know I will have to speak how I feel about it. I just am not ready. I also know that his feelings are important when I do, so timing is always of importance too. For goodness sake it is a pillow. Yet, I cannot relax about a pillow. I want to tell myself it is just a pillow but I know it is more.

Today is the first day I think I need to talk to a professional. I cannot torment myself over a pillow. If everything they say about her is true, I think she would tell me it is a pillow too, with the caveat that it was not her pillow. I believe as a friend she might tell me something different than what she would want in this situation. I mean really she came through in the reading with the pillow.

Maybe it is to give him comfort. I am working to understand. I just know I am at a threshold here that I have to be all in, or at least have my expectations clear. I thought I was in too deep to turn around before now I think I have to really be in or out. I have feelings for his children so I have to get my shit together and be clear in my needs and what I need.

I am on my board, glassy waves are coming, I am just avoiding a rip.

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