I have done a lot of reflecting about my whole life. I realized recently that I have always been a little Pollyanna. I think I was always sheltered and naive. The thing I remembered recently was when I was in Junior College and in the Ski Club.
I was dating the President of the Ski Club. I remembered him telling me he was too good for me. Why is it that I never believed the men when they have told me this? Well he was a freaking hot mess.
I could never understand his behavior, until we went to Steamboat Springs. I was Matilda Bay and that was a fun time. Then I came over to his condo and I learned a lot. I learned that he was a drug addict and an alcoholic. It was surreal.
I could not believe I did not know this about him. He was embarrassed and I was in shock saying it’s okay. It was not okay. He cut the lines in front of me and did them. He knew I was out. It still took me a while to realize this is not the place for me.
I do not even think I broke up with him for a couple weeks until after we got home. I see that I somehow think I have needed to fix people I love. This is a pattern. It started as a child and came with me into adult hood. I am so glad I am reflecting on this.
This has shown me it was a long time pattern. It makes sense why it is so hard for me to break out of it. I am really shocked that I see these situations now and how they have been a long entrenched behavior.
I am Blessed to take the time now and see it. I am working to make the changes to be happy and healthy.
May all your waves be glassy.