I look back at my marriage to Alan and I see a huge pattern. I just would acquiesce to him to keep the peace. It did not matter if he was blatantly wrong or not. I just backed down and thought it was the best way to keep a happy marriage. It was not the right thing to do at all.
A couple of incidents in my past still bring me to roll my eyes. The other thing that is key for me now is that Danny has said things about me not learning, I reflect on these moments of the past and I think that they are absurd. I wish I had handled things differently.
It is not like you have talent. When you surf better than him it is not a good day. It is not what makes people remember. The funny part of this is that Alan would say things and then forget. I know that a lot of it was said in spite. However, it does not make it right or change how I have been treated.
I have discussed the ridiculous things I was expected to do or say. One such moment was early in the relationship when I was trying to describe a paisley print on a chair. I referenced it as a print that looks like a sperm. You would have thought I grabbed the young salesman’s penis. When we got out of the store to be chastised and made to feel inappropriate.
Another time we were looking at new surfboards for me. The salesman was discussing how to roll my leash. Kinky leashes need not apply. Using the kinky phrase was unladylike and I was told that I sounded like a whore.
The issue in all of these moments is that I am mute. I never stood up for myself. I now have to say what I feel. I can no longer just let things go and pretend that it is not a big deal. I would panic and think if I spoke up that he would end things. Why did I live in fear?
I am getting there in baby steps. It is a new feeling and it is uncomfortable but I am .working at it. Sometimes there is a little bump in the water, but we need to ride it out.
May all your waves be glassy