So in this chapter of my journey I have focused on myself. I have looked at how I am adapting and growing. Now I looked at Danny and where he is and how he is interacting and growing as well. I am sure his path is a little more than what I see but I am sure it is inclusive of an adrenaline rush with my name on it.
I know that the thing Danny and I are both linked closely is music. We both look at songs as the yearbook of our life. We have discussed music, we sing in the car and we can both link a song to a moment.
I know that my experience in this relationship has helped me grow. In the “discussion” the other night I told him. There was a moment when I heard him in my head asking me “how I could make the same mistakes over again?” He was like that was about marriage. I said No, boil it down it is about how I handle relationships.
Little did he think that those words he spoke months ago would impact how I would interact with him in the future. It is about attraction and fear and ultimately the possibility to grow. I have lived in fear for a long time.
It is not an outward fear that others see or feel, but an internal terror. If I do not do what the other people in my life who are important want, will they retract their love? So I keep my pleasing pattern alive. Ironically he suffers from this in a much larger portion of his life. (Most would not ever bet he was a pleaser.) Well, little did Danny expect me to break it and he would be the reason.
When he showed up to tell me how he saw the change in our relationship, he expected the scared little girl to show up. She was stifled and the powerful woman who knew her value appeared. It was not the conversation or vibe he expected at all. I am a great reflector, I see now that this was brewing for a long time.
The point he made about mirroring me and that it is not fair to me the way things are is a light a small one. Small only in size not in brilliance. He has to extrapolate it and see he is a lot of work. There has not been one friend who has not commented on how much work this seems to be for me. I get it and believe me I know.
People come into our lives for a reason. I am not sure what the reason is right now. I know I will see it in hindsight at some point. For now I am going to take the fact that I have had to shift how I engage in my relationships. I have to keep my voice and not become mute to make it easy for others. I am not going to use it to consciously hurt but I am going to speak my truth.
I know Danny has his own fears, it is evident. Being a pleaser this comes with the territory. You do not please just to please. You please out of fear. Fear of hurting others. Fear of not being loved. Fear of the past, or the future.
Fear sucks and it is not a place to live. We have to look around and figure out why we are there (in fear) and then make a plan to get the fuck out of there. It is not an easy thing when you are in your 40’s or 50’s but it is possible.
We will see how this unfolds for Danny, as I broke out of fear last week. I am willing to accept the consequences. He will have to do the same for himself if he wants to have a healthy life.
May all your waves be glassy.