Wise Friends

The thing that I have 100% confidence is that children always want their parents to be together. It is not what I would call a selfish desire but more of a comfort and security level. Yesterday I realized it is not just for children of divorce and separation. It is all children want that secure unit that they have in their memory.

I can see a bit more clearly what my friend Sharon was telling me about her dad dating after her mother died. She told me that after a period of time her dad started dating someone and he did not bring her around his children. Sharon was a grown married woman and pregnant at the time. She said it was a shock to her and in her defense she said her dad had been dating the woman and announced he was marrying her that day. Okay, the surprise probably was poorly planned.

However, what she did share with me was that it would not have mattered who it was and she was selfish. She said it was a great regret of hers on her treatment of her dad’s second wife. Later, they became close and that woman was the best thing that ever happened to her father. She loved him unconditionally and took great care of him for the rest of his life. Sharon said she loved her and was in the end grateful for her dad finding her.

Sharon has been a Sage to me and when I was unclear about what happened that night we rushed me out of your house, she told me that story. I remembered that story this morning as well as the epiphany, children always want their parents together, it is the foundation of all their memories.

I cannot make anyone like me, I can only be myself and let my treatment of the one they love stand on its own. I can sit in fear but it will only diminish my experience. I could walk away but that only hurts me. All I know is that if and when the time comes for you to share your life with me with your children, it will be important for you to share how I make you feel. I cannot believe that deep down they do not want you happy.

Children will always crave the parents together and that comfort. I your case that is more final than in divorce.

The things I keep meaning to ask Danny are:

After Natalie passed, did you all go for grief counseling? What does it mean when you say you do not expect to be here in 2 weeks? Where are you expecting to be? Did she ever tell you she wanted you to go on with your life? If so did you share that with the kids? The flowers you always have out is there additional meaning?

Your life is so important. Why is it you did not have a family meeting? I get it Thomas took the role, but it seems like a telephone game just waiting for confusion. Because the comment Devin shared with Shari does not align with the comment Thomas gave you.

I get that maybe Veronica sees women and says that is not the one. I am sure in her mind she has a vision. I just feel that your Children will love you and want you to be happy no matter what. This stand on the too soon is selfish and unfair to you.

All the things Danny told me last week about people are different in this case because of Natalie. I get it and I understand to a point. The thing I think he puts on himself is how will others react.  What I think is that his friends and family love Danny for him and want him to be happy PERIOD. So thinking the weight is on him adds pressure he really does not need.

This pressure Danny has been feeling is a giant weight on him. I see he is a pleaser just like me. The difference is just the people in the story. We both want to please the people we love. We also are the fixers in our lives and others. So it is a burden we impose on ourselves. It is a huge burden and hard to live up to at times.

The image I chose for this post is exactly how I have felt in tough times. I have a shovel and it will not move the boulders. I want Danny to see he can just take it one at a time with a tractor or other machine, but he has not realized he needs to do this yet. He is still overwhelmed by the expectations. The problem is he is the one with the expectations.

When you set the expectations, people follow your lead. He can change the expectations. He has to realize people will love him just as much and that in some cases they need to learn to do these things on their own.

 

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