The Great Wall of my Heart

This last few days has been a really difficult time for me because I am concerned with Mackey. He is my main concern. He has been with me for 12 years now and I am going to make sure he is happy and pain free. What has been a byproduct of this is the distraction that keeps me from the pondering of Danny.

This weekend would not have had a lot of down time but it would have had 6 hours of driving time. Driving time is my typical thinking and over thinking time. There have been a couple of times in the past days when I have had a moment of insight. The one that struck me the most and I have been thinking about was Danny’s assumption we are in different stages of this relationship.

I know I have told him how I feel about him, the thing that was missing was being totally in. I could see why he would think that I was all in. I have had a great many missteps in my love life. I have great friends who have been reminding me to guard my heart. For a time I thought I had not kept it protected, then I realized in the last few weeks I had kept it safe.

I would have thought in all the discussions I would have been a mess. I have not broken I have not cried about anything. I then wondered if I did not care about him and the relationship. I realized I do care about him and that I had protected my heart. I do not think he had or has any idea that I am still so walled up.

The picture I chose for this post is pretty much perfect. My heart is open, but it is not not easily reachable. It also shows the water which is what I love the most. The opening is way up high and it has a lot of broken rock around it. This is how I feel about my heart. It has been battered but it is resilient and is somewhat in tact.

I opened up way too soon for my own comfort with Danny. His story hit me hard. It is a heart breaker. He too is resilient. He protects and fights for those he loves. It was not until a couple of weeks ago that I realized we are the same. We are both pleasers. I do not know that he realized or even realizes when I told him he was a pleaser, I could not have nailed it on the head better.

Danny has mistaken me sharing my life with him for me being further in than I believe I really am today. I am not going to segregate my life. I am not good at it so the fact will remain, if you are in my life, where I go you are welcome. My friends are open to the people I bring to functions. The difference for him is he is not comfortable mixing worlds.

I am sure a lot of that has to do with the new experience of being single. Three years is not that long in reality. I feel that because he is a pleaser, he is paralyzed in fear. The sad part about this is he will say all the time how life is short and he understands it. I think he is missing a large puzzle piece.

The biggest most important piece anyone needs to be happy is to know what they want and need. It is evident that he needs his children and parents and that is key to his happiness. Where it goes astray is that he needs them to be on board with every decision. He needs it to be an actual democracy not an electoral college. Requiring approval from 4 other people who are in their 20’s and have been relatively sheltered is not something likely to bring happiness to you in your 50’s.

I absolutely see why he is like this, Disneyland Dad is a guilt mechanism. It will not be something that brings you happiness or even Peace of heart and mind. I know he wants that to be the case, but when you allow guilt and fear to rule your life it is not likely to result in happiness. Guilt and worry I have learned are wasted energies.

In the past I think I would be freaking out about what it means to have him think about things. To have him figure out what it means to be fair to me. Today however, I think so how can I get to South America and see U2? This full knowing he is not going to be happy about it if I make it happen and he is in my life. It is a definite double standard and I know it.

I am going to figure out if I can pull it off or not and it is up in the air today. So looking at it, I have been talking about this since May. I did not discuss it with him. I wanted to go to South America for a while. Ecstasy is my friend. I think that is where the likeness ends. The differences are we have an arrangement, friends with benefits. I will go to see U2 and I will see Noel Gallagher as well. I will share a room and a bed. But since I did start the plans long ago, does that make it okay?

Danny is a proud macho man. There is zero chance this will not bother him, it will not be ok. The difference is clear, I am a woman. I have a different agenda he has zero clue about. I am not tit for tat, I just need to see what I want.

The thing is that we can all justify things if we want. I look at last weekend and think man that was such bullshit. The thing about it is if he just was forthcoming it would not have bred such a feel of disrespect. Seriously, who says it does not matter when I tell you or what I tell you, if you trust me it will be ok. NO ONE. The fact is his wife would not have been accepting of that philosophy. He would not be receptive to the same experience.

I know he fears being vulnerable as well. If he drops the wall and I reject him then it is an ego crusher. I also think he fears his children rejection of me and it equating rejection of him. Ripping the band aid off with his children is a risk. If it is the beginning of the end then I will be gone. I know he realizes my importance in his life.

Loss is so difficult for everyone. It is probably even more painful and difficult after his loss. So if you do not allow me to get close you will be okay. I am also confident that my reactions were not what he calculated. He did not anticipate that he was wiped from being a visual in my home, all the pictures gone. That I am sure hit a nerve.

He has been great checking on me and Mackey every day. I have made zero and I mean ZERO attempts at reaching out to him. I have chosen to give him his space. He really needs to figure out what he wants. I know he is not a man who can be alone, I know he must know that too. He must stop living in the future.

He has to realize what he wants and be a man. He has to be the parent and an adult. He has to stop allowing Disneyland Dad mentality to rule his life. His job as a parent was to raise his children to be adults and let them fly. He probably also needs to share his situation with his children and have them take more financial responsibility. It is a good life lesson. If and when that changes he can indulge them more.

I so want to bullet point out things for him. I want to show him the path. I cannot. All I can and have done in a very limited capacity is shed a light on some areas to help him figure it out. He cannot live his life on others expectations, or he will never find peace and happiness.

He has to learn to tell people his needs come first and that this is a new phase in his life, thus he will have to figure it out for himself. It is unfortunate he did not get grief counseling. I am sure he would have been given the tools he needs to make these decisions. There would have been freedom given to him that he does not even see he needs today. It would help him communicate this to those he loves.

I know he fears rejection of the people who have been in his life the 32 years he shared with his wife. The thing that strikes me in my heart every time for him is that he is living in fear. People who love you want you to be happy. If they do not want you to be happy then they need to leave your life.

They are not living your life and when then step away from you, they are not thinking about who you are with and how you live your life. His ego is ruling his life and it is a train wreck to watch and it hurts me. It really hurts me to watch him lost and confused. That said I know it does not come as a shock that part of the reason I despise Tuesday is that she does not seem to have his best interests at heart. The one thing he thinks he has in her is a facade. He needs people who support him and help him find the best path for him, not to the path they think is best.

I have started to pursue a job in Orange County CA. I cannot be on hold. I am sure it is not what he would expect and it would hurt his feelings. The fact is he has to figure out what he wants to do for HIM, not for his children. I know I tolerated more than any other woman, it does not mean I want to be a martyr. That is why I have started to expand my job search.

If he is meant to be in my life, it will happen. He has a lot to really figure out and he stated it on Tuesday:

  • What is it he wants in his life?
  • Does he want a relationship?
  • Is he ready to date?
  • How does he balance it all?
  • How does he find his voice to tell others this is what he wants?
  • How does he resolve his desires and needs to others expectations?

He has to dig deep and find his voice. Not the voice he thinks others want him to have, but his voice that is what he wants.

May all your waves be glassy.



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