Scared Little Girl is Banished

I have always been the good little girl. I have always been a pleaser and worked to make people happy. I am not good at asking and/or stating what I need. I cower. I fear rejection and worry that I will be abandoned.

So here I am with Danny and for all my big blog talk that I will state what I need and draw a line in the sand, I have done nothing. Well today is a new day and I think, no, I know today is a do or die moment. If I do not stand tall this will be a shit show and I will have shit the bed again.

I want to take the little girl inside me and show her it is alright to have feelings. People will either understand or not. People will respect you if you have boundaries. People will see who you are and you can be yourself.

respect

Stop living in fear. Stating your boundaries is a necessary and healthy thing. I have not done this in the past. I can especially say with Alan in our marriage I was always terrified of his reaction so I just swept it under the carpet. We all see how that ended.

I am also not going to sit and think of all the bad things that can happen. I just saw a Tedx talk that reinforced for me why it is important to stay positive. Link is below. I know I am wired to be happy and the fact is I suck at being panicked or fearful.

Getting stuck in the negatives (and how to get unstuck) | Alison Ledgerwood | TEDxUCDavis Tedx

The thing I have to keep reminding that little girl is that the past stays in the past unless we bring it forward. You do not have to choose to either be yourself or be loved. They can exist together and you will not be conflicted. It is not your responsibility to make people feel good or better, you owe it to you to be happy and at peace.

It is new so it is uncomfortable. It will get easier. It is what you need to be at peace and feel safe. New is sometimes hard, but you got this. What I keep forgetting is that I really believe Danny has no idea how this has unfolded.

The reason I bring that forward is because I know my secret weapon is his own fears. His fear that someone will treat his daughter this way. He has not stepped away and looked at any of this, I also believe he is a decent man. I think when it is laid out for him that it will be received well.

I am going to paddle out, sit in the line up, watch the lines and then take my wave. Today is the day my wave is coming. I will feel the fear at first. The fear that this wave is too big, it will put me in the spin cycle and can push me into the sandbar. I know I will pop up and the drop in will be scary and exhilarating all at the same time. I am going to ride it and claim it. I can see and hear myself squealing in happiness. The happiness will be being true to me. I will own it. I will ride it and be at peace.

If he does not like it and leaves, it will be ok. If he sees the issue and changes all the better for happy days together ahead. Either way this wave is MINE. This wave is the change in the road much needed.

As I drove home this morning from the emergency vet. A song came on the radio and it was powerful. The lyrics could not have been more appropriate. Green Day Good Riddance.

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don’t ask why
It’s not a question, but a lesson learned in time
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

So take the photographs, and still-frames in your mind
Hang them on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoo’s of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it’s worth, it was worth all the while
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right
I hope you had the time of your life

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life
It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right
I hope you had the time of your life

Written by Michael Pritchard, Frank E., Iii Wright, Billie Joe Armstrong • Copyright © Warner/Chappell Music, Inc

I know this is the time. God keeps giving me the signs. I believe in His signs. It could not get louder or stronger. This is the point, to be strong and state my truth and needs or cower to fear.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

2 thoughts on “Scared Little Girl is Banished

  1. I know you CAN do this. You are Strong. Be strong and love yourself.
    You are not just standing up for yourself, you are showing and giving yourself LOVE. Loving Joyce she deserves it!
    Love.

    Like

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