My name is not Gretel
The story of Hansel and Gretel always makes me wonder. So leaving breadcrumbs was a good idea? I never think that would be a good plan. I think more of the mustard seeds being left by the Spaniards across Malibu Canyon as a better plan. Planting the seeds makes a hell of a lot more sense to me.
So I was thinking about the snippets of information and stories that both Danny and I have shared and realized they are just bread crumbs. Sometimes animals eat them and sometimes we cannot find them as they melted in the rain.
I know that there are times when Danny is surprised at something I do or say because he makes assumptions on how I will react. These are the crumbs of stories I have told him about me. The reality is that we have only known each other a short time. Thus, there are things that he has no idea I have experienced and vice versa. So when I was in Vegas and LA one such surprise for him occurred.
I texted from LAX I was freaking out and he said later it was odd. Odd? Not really, you just do not know enough about me yet to see the level of anxiety I can experience. You do not understand I have a terror of being left. You do not see my insecurities because I hide them pretty damn well.
The short back story here is this in my childhood, my parents were not very responsible individuals. I have a lot of anxiety that stems from those experiences. I have been separated from them and it has manifested in fears of being lost. I hate being lost. When I tell you I will go into a full blown panic when lost I mean hyperventilation can happen.
My mother has left me for CCD when the school was closed, I have been lost in stores and I also recall my parents losing me in a parade ( I was in a car which they were not seated). I think that for me these things have a deep rooted fear in abandonment.
The fact he was with his wife for 32 years is not lost on me. In fact it makes me hyper aware that there are issues he would not have experienced that I have experienced. I also realize he knew her just as well as he knew himself. So as we are getting to know each other, I think he is surprised when he learns more about me or a behavior seems out of character.
Such, as the last time I was in Vegas. It ended up meeting a friend and her sister and the friendship ended on that trip. That trip was burned into my memory and left a bad taste in my mouth about that town. Losing Ellen’s friendship was a gift as she was a user. I was treated poorly by her and her sister on the trip. My feelings were dismissed on the trip. So the town brought out anxiety.
Additionally the friend I was meeting I had not seen her in 20 years. The last time we met in person was when she was married to her first husband. I broke up with his friend and they were both cops. I became an enemy in their home. I was losing a friend I had since I was 8. That was a traumatic loss at the time. Combine that memory with the last Vegas trip and I was in an almost panic attack.
I am just looking for planting the seeds. Today I have to plant some seeds that link a lot of my bread crumbs together and it is scary. I have to stand up in the moment and speak my truth. I have to believe it will be ok. I have to not look to the past, but see the plants of the future.
I am going to tell him what makes me uncomfortable today. I am going to explain my perspective and I will believe that he will get it. Really get it. I see now I have to share the drums I have laid here so he does learn who I am.
I am fully anticipating he will be totally lost and in denial today. So when he returns I hope that the truth comes to light and he gets it.
May all your waves be glassy.