I will be the first to let you know I loved the teeter totter on the playground as a kid. The thing about it was it was both elating and terrifying at the same time. It also depended on who your partner was on it. Your partner determined really the experience. Would they slam it down and would you be able to hold on? Or would they freely glide and it go back and forth smoothly?
I think that in the beginning stages of a new relationship it is similar. You are determining if it is going to be smooth, or jerky or will you fly off it. You are enamored and vulnerable. It is now that you find the boundaries and you share what you need and want. Now that for me is a big aha moment. Recently I was asked how I made the same mistakes over again and again. It stung, and it hit deep. The fact is that they were 3 different situations, 3 different places in my life and the common denominator was me.
The root cause of it was at the heart of everything – fear. I am sure being vulnerable is uncomfortable for everyone. I think because I have had to fight and scrap my way through life, it is the worst place for me. I build large walls and new people are not let in quickly or easily. Fear can destroy everything and if I am scared I can make a mistake. Mistakes are to be made and lessons learned. I have had a lot of hard lessons.
So back to the teeter totter. When you first get on it is a play with the weight to see what the momentum needs to be to go up and down. I think life is a lot of ups and downs. When your partner goes to slow you need to tell them speed it up, if they go to fast likewise. What is common here is communication. My fear is in communication and rejection, plain and simple.
I fear what I ask for will jeopardize the relationship. In many cases I should have put up the stop sign in relationships and said this works for me or this does not. If they could not give it to me I would have seen earlier and left. I stayed in fear and therefore the outcome was never what I intended.
I also would change my thoughts and say if they do this it must be right, even when it was not right for me. Or when my boundaries and requests were violated I feared the discussion and just acquiesced. Does not sound like the person I am in most relationships, and friends would tell you this seems like another person.
It is the most vulnerable place I can be when I am in an intimate relationship, stripped down, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It is like I have taken off all my armor and I have no defense. It did not and does not have to be like that; I can choose to discuss it and be heard. I see I gave my voice away many times and for that I paid the ultimate price; I lost myself.
So today I find myself in a situation where I need to speak my needs. I do not believe I was steamrolled on purpose. I really believe that I did not make my needs clear enough. I am an old fashioned girl at heart. I love a phone call, I need the phone calls. I have been working through the texting and also stated I need phone calls especially when it is a bigger deal than I am on my way or have a good day. So this week I felt marginalized and I felt unheard, disrespected and unimportant.
I am not going to discuss what it was that happened, I want to say, I have no choice but to bring it up and get the air cleared. My heart was heavy and I was hurt; unintentionally albeit but hurt. I chose to be vulnerable, I chose him but communication is an art and it needs to be practiced. It turns out I may have gotten a BA in Communication but I suck at in certain relationships.
The other part of this stems from the fact I was more open and vulnerable this week than I had been in the relationship to date. In the relationship I am the one who has chosen to drop their guard, and this week it was a lonely place to be standing.
I feel myself pulling back and leaving fear into flat out terror. I know it is probably normal but I also know this relationship as it stands has the ability to cut me at my knees and I allowed that to be the situation. In order to have the relationship I want that level of vulnerability must be present. I am adjusting to that and accepting it for what it is and remembering to breathe.
I know I have to look into his eyes and tell him I love him and I am pretty reasonable but on somethings they are not wants for me they are needs. I need to be involved when my plans change, meaning call me so I can hear your voice and I can process it the best way for me, not in a text. I would have been ok (plans change) on a call; the text sucked the wind out of me because he was supposed to call me anyhow and that obviously did not happen. Second, when I ask for something that I need, I want it to be respected just as I respect his wishes. I need to be heard and respected is the bottom line, I need to be able to respond, in a text it always leaves room to be a reaction. TEXTING HAS NO EMOTION AND CAN BE READ A MILLION DIFFERENT WAYS AND STILL MISS THE REAL MEANING.
So as we learn to ride the teeter totter, I have to remain in trust with my feelings and judgement of him. I also need to voice my needs and obviously share my fears so I do not remain in that place. I am pretty sure he will reach for me and help pull me out of the darkness of fear but if I do not ask I will remain in the darkness terrified. I hate scary movies and I hate emotional terror even more.
I am hoping this ends the Victory at Sea and the glassy waves return for me. I still wish all your waves are glassy.