I am sure there are people who will read this and get it. I am also equally sure there are people who will be confused. I have to say that for me to stand up for myself is difficult in personal situations, versus in professional situations it is much easier for me to stand tall. I am aware the reason is that growing up my parents always made me feel I had to earn their love.
The issue for me has become I have taken that into intimate relationships in adulthood. The byproduct of this has been me accepting things that I shouldn’t or taking the crumbs when I deserve the slice of cake. Today Danny hurt my feelings more than I think I anticipated or saw coming.
On Friday I asked if he wanted to watch a movie on Saturday. This was when he told me he had plans with his 2 sons who are home to have dinner together before the youngest left to go back to college. He said how about Sunday? I agreed. We had also had plans to golf this weekend upon my return from the West Coast.
Today is Sunday, I texted from the nail salon to ask what the plan was for today. I was told he had double booked and forgotten about it. So my plans were nixed. This is also in addition to him telling me on Friday he had to take his son back to college next weekend. I had not been told of any of this until that discussion.
This reinforces my need for conversation NOT texting. He really believed he told me his plans. We talked when I got home and he tried to tell me he had told me of all of his plans for the next 3 weeks. Which I told him he absolutely did not. I can assure you if he had I would have written it down.
He then told me that he was going to the VT/WV game and he bought the tickets. He told me that he told me when he had bought them 2 weeks ago. Again, he was mistaken. I think maybe he thought about telling me but he did not. He had mentioned he was thinking about it so I already marked it down as done. So today when he tried to tell me he told me I corrected him.
If he said it may happen, I would mark it down to block out the calendar. I have a game on Saturday and he has a game on Sunday. Labor Day Weekend is a bust, just like Memorial and 4th of July. I see the issues. Believe me I see them. I also see I am a part of the problem.
I am allowing this behavior. My schedule is pretty open so it works for him. Until September. In relation to September he brought up the VT games and I said you made it perfectly clear you would not be celebrating my birthday weekend with me early on because of the Tech game. He said he did not think he presented it that way. It does not matter, my feelings were hurt when he did at the time, PERIOD.
This all leads me to the fact relationships as adults are difficult. It makes me think that going back with Ecstasy would be so much easier. I know he is married, but then it is just comfortable sex that is good. I do not think Danny is capable of becoming a drug and a just sex relationship. Maybe I am wrong but I think that you have to have a certain mindset.
Now that we are exclusive, I feel trapped by all of this. I am just not sure what I am supposed to do now. I have to take myself out of the bargain bin, that much I know. I think I have stated time and time again, what I need and what is important to me. Maybe I have not been clear enough. I have to rethink this.
He said he will see about us getting together later in the week and once he knows what day he has to take his son back to school. I think I will be writing him a letter. I do best with penning my thoughts, that is why I love my blog.
Stay tuned and in the meantime, may all your waves be glassy.