I have regained my power recently. I am not sure when or why it took so long to happen. Today I realized that I am not going to be a door mat. I have to speak my truth and I feel good about it. I have thought about it and I was starting to pull away again today.
This has not been the first time when I started to pull away. The part that is odd is every single time I start to pull away or just back away emotionally, Danny reaches out. The format has been different but it has happened before and it happened again today.
Earlier this week, I stripped my phone of the wallpaper of us. I then changed my Facebook profile picture. I removed the picture of us from the weekend with one of me from my boudoir shoot. It is the picture I chose for this post. I did these things and then in the afternoon I get a text from him.
The text would not be odd in and of itself. It was what he said in it. I am not going to go into it but the fact was it made me stop. I took a long pause before I responded. Even then the response he gave was odd. Now it could totally be that he realizes that what happened on Sunday is a fuck up and it is his fault. He was and is the root cause.
At the time I just thought this is weird. I have felt anxiety before and known it was not mine. It is just part of being energetically sensitive. I am now seeing that this is really his energy lately.
So today, I decided enough is enough. I am going to tell him how I feel about what happened over the weekend and fuck it all if it is over. I did not care and I was of the mindset that he is probably over me too. So when my phone rang and it was him, I did not know what to think. Actually initially when he was talking I was thinking the worst.
I am always the half full in a relationship. I am always the positive one. I also know that the last two days I have been trolling for airfare to South America. I get it, I know what it would mean if I committed to Ecstasy. It is an easy fix and I would have to forfeit Danny.
The problem for me was I have a lot of known unknowns and they are not being addressed fast enough for me. I know at the end of the day that is the crux of it all.
This has not been an easy adjustment for me. I have to work at things a lot harder than I have in the past. The reality for me there is that things I didn’t work at did not work at all. So I sit here and work at it. Then I wonder is he working at it?
I had zero intention this week of bringing up the Respect issue until I reflected on it and now I know I have to do it. Well it won’t be just a Netflix and Chill evening. I have to tell him that respect and trust are important and essential to me.
If the role was reversed I know it would have been an immediate issue. I just sometimes am in the slow lane and it takes a while for me to see where the turn lane starts. I am not expecting drama. I will be prepared for it. I am just going to speak my feelings and needs. I was hurt and embarrassed again. If I am important to him, which I believe I am, then this is not a big ask.
Do not share our relationship with Tuesday or anyone else. It dilutes it.
If we are going out with Sheldon and Tuesday, I want to be aware in advance.
I love him and if I have to leave I will. I cannot be disrespected period. He should not want to spend time with people who disrespect him either. I am not making an ultimatum about Tuesday, I am going to just shine a light on her shade. He will do what he is going to do. I know in the end betrayal for him is a Cardinal sin, and when he sees her for what she is, he will drop her on his own.
I know now I cannot deny the connection. I think that is what happens with soulmates. The energy is definitely sensed by the other whether that is something they are aware of or not. That energy is a part of you and you need it and crave it. I am still going to be aware of what is going on, but I am going to work at righting the ship sooner.
I cannot live in fear. If he leaves, he leaves. If I straighten it out, then I am better as I will not have all that anxiety.
I hope all your waves are glassy.