I can only continue to be me. I cannot be someone else. It would never work. When I made the photo album and sent it to Danny, I did it with the oddest mindset. I felt if it was over and we were to move on that this was what I was supposed to present to him.
He was touched and surprised I would take the time to make it for him. I know I am something and someone he never expected. I also know we are both learning and growing. I am taking this time to see what is important and what I need, and what we need. More importantly, I see what I do not need and cannot bring or put up with in my life.
My current outlook on life has been really altered by one book. It is a book that a friend recommended. She and her husband used it as it is designed for couples. The thing about it for me is that it works you through your actions and reactions. It is done looking back at your childhood.
I may not have had the worst childhood because I had people who intervened in my parents idiocy. I am now really starting to look at why I feel the way I feel or react to things. It has been really the most enlightening thing for me in a long time.
I look at the way I feel when I expect Danny to do something and it causes stress for me. It is always when I read into it and think that it is going to be negative. I see I am placing a lot of crazy from my parents into this experience. I am now focusing on taking it as it comes and not expecting.
I also realize in the beginning of the relationship that is what I did and I felt more comfortable and secure. I have caused myself stress and anxiety. I am not saying he has not made mistakes, I am just saying that I am making it worse.
This past weekend, I really enjoyed our time. I did not bring up anything, I let it all be organic. I also worked to stay in the moment. It was so much better, the time was all peaceful. I have know this weekend I have one thing I need to discuss and I will bring it up.
I feel I have my confidence back and I am going to move forward at peace. I have though about what needs to happen for the rest of the air to be removed from the balloon. It needs to be to meet his children, the air in that balloon is his. His children will all be home at the end of the month. This is the ideal time in my mind, as they go back to school and their homes. The next time they will all be together is Holiday time and that is NOT a good choice.
So I will breathe more, be in the moment, and not bring drama from my childhood forward. When I do these things I am going to hit CANCEL and reboot it.