I know that in all relationships we have a role to play. The role if it is truly aligned with who you are will not be a problem. I also know that we guard ourselves more as we get older. The reality is that as we age, we are worn down and we realize we have to protect ourselves and especially our hearts.
This week I gave to most extravagant gift I had ever put together for a man I have only known 3 months. This is a man I have to admit I chose to continue to take on the situations and challenges. I have stated before that this experience is foreign to me. I have never dated a widower until now.
I have worked to understand grief as well as how men process the loss of a spouse. It is the way I understand and can interact in a realistic and positive manner. I have said it before I have stepped in more shit than Helen Keller in a dog kennel in this process and it is true.
The fact he went with me shows he is invested. I learned a lot about why he is as guarded, and I also got to discuss the issues that were on my mind in regards to our relationship. I feel like it is a slow reveal with removing the mask for him.
My mask is on the ground and I have no idea where I left it, to be honest. So let me be very clear, I have moments of sheer terror. The panic hits me when I realize I have nowhere to hide and I will have to face the pain if it comes down to it.
This trip was amazing, I will be honest it started off pretty tense after Sunday’s discussion I had no idea how this would unfold. It was scary. When he picked me up we were cordial. I has some sort of mask I suppose but I guarantee it was not on straight.
Once we got to Nationals Park it we warmed up. We held hands as always. The hottest moment was going up an escalator when he just brushed his hands around my thigh and bum ever so gently. On the way home we had very open discussions on grief.
The opening of the dialogue was a good thing. These days together allowed us to have discussions on my place in his life as well as his and our future. I saw glimpses of what he wants to unfold and his hopes.
The time we were away was the best thing I think for both of us. It allowed us to just focus on the moment and our interactions. I could tell that his shell and mask were removed for a good portion of the time we were away. When we started to come home, the shell again was raised.
I get it and I am not upset in the least. I know what I felt and what I saw for myself. I have to sit back and regain my perspective. I need to continue as I have all year working on myself inside and out. If we end up together, great, if not well it was a learning experience.
I asked him if it did not work out if we would be friends; he said he was not the one who had unfriended or thought friendship was not an option in past relationships. So I will take it in the end I will have a good friend if all else fails. In the meantime, I have a friend who I am learning about and who is learning about not only me but himself and our relationship.
May all your waves be glassy