You know that scene in Forest Gump where Jenny tells Forest to run? Well did you ever think about that being a real moment in your own life? I think there are times when we allow fear to overtake us and we think that running is the solution.
I am definitely guilty of this and have had this moment more than once. What I do realize about when I hear the voice is that it is never when I should run, it is never the intuitive run, it is when it is tough. I have felt like this and had to realize what this meant for me.
I know I have a heroin issue (as noted in a previous blog, not the literal drug) and I realized I also have a lesser drug and I will call him X as in Ecstasy. Ironic name I know and I chose it for a reason. We definitely have an excellent sexual chemistry and it is something that should not start up or have continued as long as it did last time.
We have had an on again off again situation. It was always when it was convenient. The thing is that I see that in moments of trial I look to X. It is easy, it requires little effort and it is sexually gratifying. There are some ethical issues but really they are no longer mine I am divorced.
When all of the Danny drama started to heat up I realized I was jonesing again. It would be so much easier to just have a quick FaceTime fix. I do not even have to leave my home. Sometimes I think that is all I need. Then I think again about what it is I am seeking.
Do not get me wrong I see the Devil tempting me all the time. The fact Danny could tell me I will not have a problem dating is ridiculous. DUH! I am a 5’2″ woman who’s fit and blonde. The issue is will you have a problem dating, not really, but will they be what you are seeking. It is like he has a clue but gets lost in it all.
I mean seriously this weekend it is X that I took matters into my own hands fantasizing. It is never what I have at my disposal, for me what fun is that? It is not for me. I will not fantasize it is Danny, weird maybe but it works for me. I think the batteries should be someone you are not hitting on a regular basis.
I wonder what the solution is supposed to be in his mind when he asks if I want to see other people. You know I can see people if I want and the issue is NOT can I get a date. I have lead such a different life that him. It is like I wonder what crosses his mind when he goes down that road. Seriously, I am not an ego maniac but I know I am a catch. I am well aware of my marketability.
I know there is a test in here. I know I am supposed to find my lesson, I know I have a lesson to teach as well. The issue is how much temptation do I resist? I also think to myself he has no idea I was once Ross to Giovanni’s (Heroin) Rachel. We were on a break.
That is what started the spiral into the Heroin. I do not want Danny to become a drug in the same manner. I have to work through the things one by one and day by day. It would be so easy to have him turn into another drug, but that is not my desire. I have enough drugs in my arsenal and I have remained clean for a good amount of time.
I want to be clean and see where it leads with Danny. I do not want to Run to Ecstasy or Heroin. I have to see my way through the haze and the confusion. It is something I need to feel, I cannot numb it with someone else, as easy as it would be for me to slide back towards.
I know it is moments like this when I question things that I remember my life is more like a peacock tail or a Home Depot Paint Swatch section, colorful and many shades, textures and brands. I think Danny as much as he has lived is more of a Neapolitan Ice Cream three flavors all good choices. It does not make one journey better than the other it just makes them different. I have to remember that different is not always bad, this is something he needs to remember too.
Run Forest Run…. I have to think about the call and realize when it is appropriate and when it is not the best choice for me. Right now the choice is I have to stay the course and if I become Ross again, he better realize Rachel was wrong; they were on a break.