I know in my heart I have to be who I am period. I cannot be something for someone else. I cannot be the pleaser all the time. I know I am a work in progress. I also know that my girlfriends are my best guides. That said I am more open with my friends. Danny is a much more private person.
I can see how my mis-step on the wine is a huge fucking deal. I absolutely woke up knowing that and there was nothing and I mean nothing I could do to fix it. I saw how much damage I did even in the short time I was awake in the car. I was and am horrified. How terrible. I worry about all the small stuff and this got by me.
I am much more of a retreat kind of person once I am feeling defeated; especially in romantic relationships. I cannot always get my bearings. I miss being closer in proximity to my friends. When I am feeling a drift I want to cry and see a girlfriend and get a hug.
Danny is not like me in that way. He is a do not air the dirty laundry. Well I aired it all over the car. I made him miss taking his mother to a doctor appointment that was important and I feel like shit about it. He absolutely could have taken my car, he did not ask.
So today when I broach the issue of seeing each other I am totally at a loss. Everything I feared could happen was happening via text. Yes I was doing it via text. I also gave up on us in those texts. It is hard. All of this is hard for me and I am not saying life is or should be easy but this sucked.
I even told him to take the tickets for him and his daughter and emailed them to him. I just do not want to be a burden or a problem. I feel like a lot of the time integrating me has been a problem. Not because of who I am but because of who he is and decisions he has made for his life.
In this text exchange I also shared my post on this experience. He said we are totally different on this, I air my laundry (under the guise of name changes) he doesn’t. He learns a little more about me all the time. His initial takeaway was that if we broke up over this I would have mis-judged him. Well that is what I think and I told him that. The irony here is he now has the experience of no emotion on the other side of texting. Hysterical if this was not the situation for sure.
I think about this and it seems ridiculous that it went from zero to one hundred in a nanosecond. I cannot change things, nor can I turn it back. I am praying the smell comes out and that the car is cleaned. I mean really I hated the barf smell in my hair and I can only imagine it in the car upholstery.
How can I live this down with his children? Really I do not see how I can and right about now I do not know that I want to see if I can. Shit is already stacked against me and I just lit the fucking match after vomiting the fuel.
I have never been that sick and the closest was at my Reception with Alan He did hold my hair as I vomited. I did not get sick until we were home, that was a plus I guess. It was also on Martinis. That is where the similarity ends.
He wants to meet to talk tomorrow. I will see him then, I am not assured about anything so it will be a wait and see. It makes me really reflect on if all of this is and will be worth it. Sure in the future it could be funny but in the meantime he has to take the fire and smell the stink (literally and figuratively).
This all makes me think I should just go to London or Rome next month to see U2 and say “F” it and be free. I am not sure on this. I have to be sure because there will be no return from that choice. Everything has a price and I know that so I have to be sure I am willing to pay that price.
So maybe there is a price here and I am either not focused on it or I have ignored it. I just need to see for myself what I want to do and what Danny says to me. I am prepared to be crucified because God knows I was married to the reincarnated Pontius Pilate Alan, so I have experience in verbal and emotional crucifying.