I see that I have come a long way in my life. I also see that it is a process. I realized today that I still have issues being the Best Little Girl in the World. If I am that girl then people will love me.
I have woven a pretty tight web of what I can and cannot do, what people will love me for and what they will discard me because I did or thought. Today I realized it is all bullshit. It is all a lie. It is all a control issue I put in my mind from my past.
Alan was a controlling man. Alan had to have things just so or else. He was definitely OCD and I am not exaggerating that point; turning light switches on and off a certain number of times. Everything was meticulous. It was draining and exhausting living life in that box for a better term.
This week Danny and I went out to a concert. It was 90 degrees and humid and it was outdoors. I have been sticking to my clean eating life and I did not eat enough. I did not sleep enough the night before and I surely did not properly hydrate; Pinot Grigio is not a known hydration therapy.
The concert was fine. I was fine until the drive home, I fell asleep and awoke to throwing up all the wine; or what I thought was all the wine in my stomach. Here we go, in the car. I know if this happened with Alan I would have been seriously berated at every turn. This was not what happened, I was taken to a gas station to see if I could throw up any more. I could not. I remember taking my top off and handing it to Danny. I also know I had him pull over one more time and I lost it out the door this time.
So I get home he opened the door. I stripped and took a shower. I woke up in the shower pan later. I got up went to bed and woke up just in time to telework. It was a rough morning. I could not keep anything down until noon. I was contemplating going to urgent care.
So here is where I am now. He texted to check on me in the morning. I texted back and I checked in later in the day. I am horrified and embarrassed. I told him twice I was sorry about the car. He never made mention back about it. I think I need to let that go. However, I am still that little girl worried about making the mis-step and being unloved.
Seriously, I know it is crazy and it sounds crazy when I read or say it. It’s my past and I need to see I was raised crazy and it was not how life really is or should be. If Danny dumps me over this, seriously I mis-judged him on more levels than I thought.
I am terrified to look at him in person. How ridiculous is that? Seriously ridiculous. It was a moment in time I am totally sad about but it happened. So I move on. I will let you know how it all goes. This right before the big adventure. Nothing like God knocking your ego down for you.
I am trying to right the wrong and communicate something I am not a pro. I asked first about dinner tonight, he had plans, then I asked about Sunday.
His text: We can try. If we can’t meet for dinner, at least talk about what happened the other night.
I responded with this
Yes that is definitely something I would like to clear out sooner rather than later
It is really bothering me. If you want to meet up after your dinner to talk that would help me out a lot.
I am embarrassed and ashamed and all kinds of in between.
I can’t undo it and it should not have happened but it did and I am more than sorry.
I have to dismantle the web and look at life how it should be seen and that it is not realistic to think I can be perfect ever.