Remember the time you were a child and it came time to pick teams? This was the time I think that had the most anxiety of any experience. Tests were one thing, you could prepare. If you are left to the other kids to choose a team, it is up to them and usually it is popularity and skill.
That experience was the most terrifying to me. I was not experienced in sports, my dad was not a sports guy and this was a deficit to me. So maybe, I have this horrible panic that takes hold of me when I am up against others and need to be a choice. It could also be attributed to my parental situation. Okay, for me it is a giant combination and basically a shit show.
So I totally get the reason this weekend’s revelation of the choice made outside my purview was even more important. I am in love with Danny, I love him and I want him to be happy. I am always tortured when I am at the mercy of a choice. I am NOT selfless, I have feelings and I am torn when it comes to Danny and choices involving me and his children.
He has had a long road of selfless and I see it is hard for him. Although, I want to be the choice, it is a struggle for me. I understand his need to protect his children and appease them at the same time. I do not think it is easy or the right thing all the time. The planning of this getaway next week was a big deal for me.
This is the single biggest thing I have done for someone. I had put this together 6 weeks ago. I realize he honored his children’s wishes to not know about “us”. This actually really hit them by surprise especially when it impacted them. Actually it only impacted what they wanted to give him things for Father’s Day that 1) I gave him without their knowledge and 2) that he was unavailable for a large portion of their plans.
It is easy to see that they believe he is marking time and should stay in some place in time for them. Well, let’s face it, that is just not how life works, but at 20 you think the world should be exactly as you see it. I am so proud of him. He has been working to get a life and take every opportunity. I am sure it was discouraging at times to not have the support of the ones you love the most and would do anything.
So when it was revealed to me that he had to tell not one, but all 4 of his children, sorry I have plans with Joyce, I am basking in it. Is it immature? Absolutely. Will I let it go, for sure. However, it showed me a lot about him.
He had told me that this was a big deal and he would be there. He had reiterated it to me over again and again. But, alas I was fearful and not comfortable. I was panicked and paranoid something would derail it. And here we are a week out and I find out that all the kids would be home and we will be away.
We have Cubs tickets on Wednesday, they (the children) planned a Thursday game. We have U2 tickets and Longwood Garden tickets, they entered him in a golf tourney (the days we are away). Well I was erring on the side of not being disappointed and boy was I surprised.
I am sure the children thought he will be pining for mom that week. After all it is their wedding anniversary. Well I am the one that realized that before I stepped in more shit. Divine timing and intervention are always at work here. I think this was all meant to play out in this way.
I hope that when we come home, they want to know more. I am already aware they are jealous he is going to see U2. Well, had things been different I absolutely would have planned it differently. Maybe if things go well in January they will go with us to see the Golden Gophers play hockey. This is also a bucket list item for him, not me.
I get more joy out of this than you can imagine. I am giving him a bucket list item. I will have also seen this tour on the original in 1987 as a Senior in HS with my senior HS love and now I will see the 30 year revival tour with what I think is my soul’s love; my great love this lifetime that I could not imagine sharing with anyone else.
I also wanted to say it has been very stressful for me to just wonder what is going to happen with Danny. This is unchartered for many reasons. One is because he is a widower. The situation with the children plays in as well. I chose him, I told him I chose him and I am very aware of why I am there. If his wife was still alive I would not be here and he would not be in my life. It is a really heavy thing to realize. I choose to realize all things are as they should be today, otherwise I would cry every day.
He could have told me that his children planned something and ditched me. He stood by his values and his word. I can only imagine it was a hard pill to swallow when he realized he needed to tell them “no”. He did not say it was hard but I bet it was and I am not going to ask.
Overall, I am one lucky woman, as much as he does not think he has chosen me in a lot of other areas, I already know he chose me. I choose him every day and all the little chosen moments mean more to me now than I could have guessed. I am no longer the un-athletic girl waiting to be chosen. Danny chose me on his team, I am a winner already.
Today if you were to ask me to sum my feelings up. I would tell you
I have found what I am looking for, see you in NJ.