Heroin

I have never been a drug addict or an alcoholic but I have been an addict. I think I look at the past and I can say I had issues with things; shoes, clothes and makeup. The one thing I did have was an addiction to a man. Not all men, just one man.

I have had discussions with friends and I have friends that have the same experience. I can think of him and the rush starts to come over me again. It does not take a genius to realize it was never good because we never committed to each other.

Sure Giovanni and I dated first. I was totally in love with him and there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I still can go back to key memories and it is like I am right there now. The problem really was more about the timing in my mind and the places we were in life. Sure maybe I romanticize it all now because it is easier. However, the thing I can tell you as sure as my name is that the energy was real and is still there today.

To be clear I want to state when we were dating my parents were in their volatile divorce. My mother was controlling and hated that 1) I was happy and 2) that I had the life she probably always wanted. G was handsome, he was a drummer in a band and we always had a great time. We lived a good distance apart but found ways to meet up. I am not sure of all I have blogged about it so far but I know eventually I will blog more on those adventures, which I am very grateful; including the crash that followed.

Today it is not lost on me that before Danny left after dinner on Tuesday I was singing Demons to him as it was on my phone. I had already summoned the energy of my past. I discussed him this week with girlfriends and I realized he is “the heroin” in my life. I would be remiss if I stated I did not long for it sometimes. I know that I had to break the habit in the end because it would have broken me.

We dated, went on a break like Rachel and Ross and I had an adventure. I was Ross and he not unlike Rachel made it out to be I cheated. In hindsight I think he strayed when we were together but I never had the courage to ask. So when we came back together needless to say he was angry. We tried again a couple months later but he could not get over the anger. We broke it off – at least to the public.

We always came back together, when we were dating other people, we were serial cheaters. He lost a girl for calling out my name in passion more than once. I was spiraling and never really got over the end. I knew that the switch to friends with benefits could not be undone. So I accepted what I got.

One time I made Jonah stay at my apartment so I would not sleep with G when he came over at 11PM to my apartment. Boy was Gio mad and Jonah was like WTF I will never cock block for you again.  LOL, SMH – I knew he was heroin then.

I have said more than once I ran away from a lot of things when I left Chicago. The thing was we always found our way back to each other. Even when we were married. Was it wrong absolutely. The thing at the core really for me was I should not have been married, I will not answer for him. The love and passion was so deep I would take risks with him and I did not care about possible consequences.

I was always under the spell of those blue eyes and that raspy voice when he would say my name. Never did I ever allow anyone until him to call me JOYCIE. His version was Joy-say.  It brought me to my knees every time.

Let me be clear I never gave a shit about other women in his life. As far as I was concerned I was there first and that gave me some right. I guess in the end my husband cheating on me was karma and I will own it because looking back now; The heroin was still worth it.

Today, I am absolutely jonesing for The Heroin. Maybe you wonder why I have not had my fix. It’s been a long time. Sometimes I think too long. Sometimes I thought we would reunite, total fantasy.

This is why I kicked the habit. We were still hooking up when we were half a country away. This is before cell phones and the internet was an infant state and not involved. We met up on a visit I had back to Chicago and we were in a hotel in bed after another “fix” he told me that his wife and he were going to start a family. This was the line. I would absolutely fuck over another woman for what I really felt was mine to take whenever. I could not be so callous to an innocent child and ruin their life.

Women always know when partners cheat, we just choose to overlook it and keep ourselves safe. In this case, I tried to break it off. It was not working. I decided to divorce my first husband and make a clean start. It was not working, he was still calling and I took a drastic measure that I knew would alter the trajectory for life.

I called his wife at work and told her the truth. Why didn’t I think she would think I was a liar is beyond me but I was 31 or something.  He was calling from calling cards and he had his tracks pretty cleaned up. Maybe I was not his only Heroin, I do not know. I know it ended and I know it was probably a shit show at his house that week.

I felt guilty and free at the same time. I knew it was a fucked way to stop the train but I was totally lost. My life was spiraling and I knew I could not continue on the Heroin and remain unscathed. I already had feelings for him and that was conflicting all the time.

I imagine a junkie feels the same way, the difference is they can get another dealer. I just burned my road to my dealer in that choice. I prayed for forgiveness from everyone involved. I never confessed this my greatest sin. I do think I wrote him and apologized, I just do not remember if I was able to send it or I just burned it.

So why am I bringing this up today? I summoned the energy a week ago. A girlfriend and I were discussing our respective Heroin. I showed her a picture and put it on Facebook. This would not be weird except he friend requested to follow me on Instagram.

Sure we have a mutual friend on FB. Men do not troll FB like women. So I doubt Leon let him know. So let me bring up Leon. He went school with G. I friended him on FB long ago. About 6 years ago and around that time he told me I should reach out to G. I went babbling on a messenger thing about it would be a bad idea and some other stuff. He gave me G’s cell phone.

Just like Nurse Jackie kept the pill in a box next to her bed. I have kept the number and never called it. I am a junkie. This proves it plain and simple. I have it in my phone as well. I feel some peace knowing I have it but won’t act on it.

G FB requested me after he requested my LinkedIn and then my Twitter and Instagram. I want to say it was about a year ago. I accepted then undid each one because I did not think I was strong enough. I have even seen him at an outdoor concert.

I was shaking when I saw him and his friends and their kids. I am a junkie. I know it plain and simple. The drug is powerful and being close to it cracks me at my core. I remained strong and he did not see me until the Lead singer announced the fan that came all the way from New Jersey Joyce is here…. He knew I was there, we both kept our distance. The drug is strong. I got through and went home.

Now I am sitting on my couch thinking of the high and rush from Heroin. I have been thinking all week about it. Sure I know it is all Romanticized now. I am upset with Danny and then I think of G. I compare a lot of things.

It is not fair nor rational. I am definitely being rational. Sure they are both a sexual high. I love both of them, one is in the past and one is in the crux of present and me choosing to move him to the past. I think it is always when we are tested that our addictions come forth.

The good thing for me is 12 hours of car or 2 hours of plane keep me from my Heroin. I also want to point out his children are definitely the Kryptonite that keep me away as well. I am not a full blown home wrecker.

I do not know if I will ever know I will be “clean” for the rest of my life. I do know I chase the heroin in my mind and I cannot imagine he does not do the same. It is terrifying and exciting, it is an all time high and an all time low all in one.

I will never know the what if of this from the past. I just know I am basically in a 12 step.

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