I really do take the time to reflect and think about the past and the why. I cannot stress enough how much work I have done on myself and the reflection that goes along is a big deal. For me I knew that I had to look at the actions as well as the circumstances surrounding the decisions. This helped me change and heal.
I was recently asked about the why in each of the choices I made in making a “life” with my marital choices. There are definitely short snippets that I clearly state. There are a couple of reasons for these being short and easy statements.
The first is because it is easier for people to understand.
Second it is what I am willing to share. My intimate details are mine and I can either choose to share them or not.
Thirdly unless I really have something invested in this person, there is no reason to give them more.
People like to gossip and as much as I like to share my life in this blog to help people, I am not going to really bare my soul because I am not opening to that level. People judge you and the fact is you cannot change it. People who matter will work through it and find a balance with me.
In relationships Brene Brown talks about being very careful who you share your pain and secrets. The fact is that when you choose this you open yourself up to these being shared without your permission. It is when your most intimate and possibly painful experiences are being shared it is a violation unimaginable. I learned the hard way this level of betrayal. It was the hardest and most painful from a woman who I thought had been my friend for 20 years but my life was just fodder for her gossip. I have learned from that experience and I do not let people in as easily.
So as I look past that lesson , I see that for the most part I have a much larger wall and my boundaries are solid. I am pretty guarded and until Danny I have chosen to keep things close to the vest. So when he asks questions, I have to stop and think about it. I reflect additionally after these discussions. It has been in these discussions that I have built a trust with him that I have not allowed anyone to have with me outside a few lifelong friends.
This past discussion was about the marital choices. I have shared deeper and more thoughtfully with him than I have with anyone with the exception to my therapist. What I have been looking at overall for myself is that I have lived many lives with many chapters. I think with Danny since he was with the same woman for 32 years, he has a different life experience. We will talk about things I sometimes have to put it in perspective. I project judgement on myself and I know full well that is not the intention. I shake it and move on. This is new for me as well. I used to be a dweller and freak out.
So as I see my life today, I have come a long way. I have chosen to heal, I have chosen to change. I have chosen the good, all the good that goes into life. It is hard for me to try to explain the pain I was in or the place my head was at then, or who I was then. I am not that person, nor do I feel that way. What I do know is the following: I love me, I am worthy of love. I am loved. This has all been a process. The process has been a long one, I have asked myself hard questions and I have reflected deeply. Sadly I did not always think like this or even believe I deserved it.
I really enjoy Danny. I love spending time with him. He makes me feel safe when I do share. I do not share freely with people. I have made a conscious choice to share with him. I am not the little girl who had to be someone else to be accepted. I was obsessed with being perfect for everyone. That person is gone.
I am the person I was supposed to be right now. I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now. The questions he poses are not out of the norm, it is just that sometimes they stir things up. I am Okay with this but sometimes I am not expecting it. I took a long time to get my life orderly. I do not crucify myself any longer of where I was and what I did in the past. I make good decisions for me now. I surround myself with people who love me and I treat myself with love. I am a bad martyr so I do not do it any more because it is wasted energy.
I used to really ignore the shit in my life and the best way I can describe it is that I would just throw it in a closet and slam the door. Eventually that door will not close if you do not deal with it. I chose to deal with it and it is all in nicely packed suitcases. I remember but I do not have to relive it.
This being vulnerable to Danny is easy enough, because my intuition is guiding it. Yet it is difficult because it is scary for me. It is definitely not always comfortable even though I know he is a safe place to land. I am digging deep to be strong to be vulnerable and open to him and build our relationship on a solid foundation.
Brene Brown says Vulnerability Is an Act of Courage http://www.oprah.com/spirit/life-lessons-we-all-need-to-learn-brene-brown
There are a few myths about vulnerability that I think keep us from being wholehearted people who can fully give and receive love. The first is that vulnerability is weakness. The second is that it’s optional. First of all, vulnerability is not weakness. It’s probably the most accurate measure of our individual courage. When I ask research subjects to give me an example of being in situations where they feel vulnerable, they say, “Taking responsibility for something that went wrong at work” or “Telling my boyfriend that I love him” or “Calling my friend whose child just died” or “Sending my kid to school knowing she is struggling but knowing she had has to figure it out” or “Meeting with the hospice person who is going to be taking care of my mother.” Sometimes I hear people say “I don’t do vulnerability.” But you do it, everyday. We all do it. We all have those moments. The only choice you have is how you handle those feelings of being terrifyingly, painfully exposed. Maybe you turn them into rage; maybe you turn them into disconnection; maybe you numb them; maybe you turn them into perfectionism (which, by the way, is what I do with them). But you do something with them. The key to transforming them into courage instead is learning how recognize them, feel them and ultimately make the choice to simply be there, with that horrible tangle of uncertainty and risk. When you know what you’re feeling and why, you can slow down, breathe, pray, ask for support—and make choices that reflect who you are and what you believe.
May all your waves be glassy!