Why did I change to be loved?

I was having a discussion with a friend yesterday about my weight loss. I have not really had a life long weight struggle. I think I basically would go into a “fat hiding” when I lost my way in life.

The trigger for this reflection really happened because yesterday I got on the scale and I realized I was the same weight I was when I met Alan. I was not unhappy with my weight at that time. I think that is important to note in this post.

After I left Alan I realized the progression was slow into the trophy wife he wanted. I have been a pleaser the majority of my life. I have been the peacemaker. This is all in my personal life. In my work life I am a warrior the majority of the time. I told him after I had left him he was no different than a cult leader, The changes were slow and subtle. I was slowly isolated from my friends, my behaviors had to align with his whims.

When I moved in with him, I should not have moved in at that time, I should have kept all my possessions in storage, neither of those happened. So there were times I felt I had no choice but to make it work. My uncle, my North Star, was in Chicago and I always wanted him proud and never needing to worry, as if I could stop his worry, his love was too great for that to be real.

I think that at some levels I thought I was not worthy. As I reflect back the first clue to run that was the largest happened after I took him to my beloved St. Monica’s for Sunday night Mass. When we got home, he told me that he was looking at other women and I needed to lose weight or he would not marry me. What the hell was I thinking? I should have packed up and left right then.

The last time he had said hurtful things I was going to leave and go to a girlfriends house. True to the fashion of a manipulator, he told me if I left it would show I was not committed and was just running. Now years later, that was an excellent psychological play, it froze me and I stayed.

I know I blogged about these experiences in more depth but for this post I wanted the background.

The long and short of it, he married me, I did not lose the weight he thought I should lose. I was fit, I was healthy, I surfed 2 days a week and worked out. I was not fat. He just tormented me with that because it was the only card he had over me.

The weight argument would happen and I would be punished by being turned down for sex. Not only was I turned down, he would tap my pooch and tell me the 5 pounds was unattractive. This was always right before my period, so it was water. It crushed me over and over again.

If I argued it with him, he would throw out a number he thought I should weigh, and I would respond that I was 15 pounds heavier when we met and that was ok. He would tell me you said you would lose the weight and you didn’t. I would respond you still married me and he would tell me he should have held off. WTF, FML, SMH.

I look back and see all the years I put into that to make it work never had a chance. He was not going to change. I could not do all the heavy lifting and still be healthy and happy.

In addition, he made 30 grand more than me and I was taking on more and more of the bills. He did not see that as a problem. In fact he did at one point throw out that he wanted to know why I did not sue the employer I left when I married him. I said because I got a package. I had been being harassed and had sought counsel, I chose the package and moving on, which he knew.

The last thing I want to add in here is something else that shows who he is and was clearly. We would surf all the time. I have a Rusty 8’0′ and it is the best. He had a quiver and always wanted to try new gear. He bought a surftech and it was shorter than my board.

We were surfing Seal at the Jetty and he was having a shit time on his new surftech.  I was on my Rusty claiming my waves. He wanted to use my board and I let him. The deal here was I owned that Surftech ride. It was a great board and I hit every wave. We went for breakfast. As we drove up the coast I said something like that was awesome today. His response was “It is not like you have any talent”. I let it go. That night we went to the movies. As we waited for the movie to start, he told me it was a great day and it looked like I did really well. I responded back to him “It is not like I have any talent” He said why would you say that? I said someone said it to me. He asked who? Seriously, he denied ever saying that to me.  This was just one in a trail of wounds.

In the end, I would never have been able to make a narcissist happy, he was broken long before I showed up. I lost myself in that mess, day by day, attack by attack. I pity him really. I see I am his lesson. I was and am a free spirit. I love with all I have and when I am done I am done. It is his lesson to learn why he is alone, unconditional love is a gift and does not show up in your life all the time. I know he never remarried, I doubt he ever will.

My lesson, be me, if he loves me that will be enough. If he loves me and we share our lives we will grow together. I am enough for me. My partner needs to be enough for him. Alan was not enough for himself, or he would not be searching for perfection at every moment. The surfing bear, surfed right out of his life. I pray he finds what he needs, because that is my wish for everybody.  Lesson learned.

By the way, the number on the scale is going down and it is just a number. Numbers lie, that number yesterday, I have left it in the past.

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