Spiral

I was evicted from the Love Shack. I left before legal proceedings but nonetheless I had to leave.  I moved in with my friend Betsy from Moraine Valley Senate. I lived with her for about eight months. It was an odd time. Betsy was overweight and really not very happy. She was dating a guy who had admitted psychological problems. It was very odd. She cut herself off from her friends. I was hanging out with her former fiancé who had come out of the closet and another of her friends.

I tried to be supportive. Betsy quit her retail job and became a bank teller. She was not very happy.   She had some odd choices in friends. Right before I moved in with her. She had a different roommate. Lisa and I stopped by and he was threatening to shoot himself. Thankfully he did not shoot himself. Lisa and I would recall that day and always find it surreal.

I was hanging out with Cheryl and Billy. I met a man through them who was in an outlaw biker gang called the DC Eagles. He was very impressed by me and always was a gentleman. He was a big guy who rode a Harley and was the gang enforcer. The fact was I never felt afraid around him seems crazy today. Others saw him and were afraid. I met his family and they were wonderful. I knew nothing could ever come of this relationship.

I knew his last girl was tagged. Oh this is a lovely way to mark property. The woman is tattooed with the man’s name. That would not be so terrible. When the relationship ends the tag comes off. Oh and it is that man who does the honors. He had taken a razor blade to her arm to remove the tattoo. It was a graphic image I could never shake. I had been to his house and I knew he had been in some bad things. He made me dinner and I enjoyed the company. I knew I had to distance myself. Cheryl always tried to encourage me to just go for it. She said she just wanted to hear about how he was in bed. She said one little jungle fuck. I said listen I am sure it would be a wild ride but no fuck is worth that level of danger. He was always wonderful to me and I have fond memories of him. I wonder what happened to him but alas life goes on.

Around this time I got my first job working in downtown Chicago. I was so happy. It seemed like a great opportunity. I was working on Michigan Avenue at a top Real Estate firm. When I went for the interview. I had Anthony buy the suit. I felt he owed me. I called into work and Cheryl dropped me off at the train station. I wanted this to be the change I needed. I had forgotten my shoes I was wearing winter snow boots. It was winter and snowy. I had to run and buy a pair before the interview. I changed shoes in the lobby of the building at the guard station. I left my boots and went to the interview in my new shoes. I got the job and it was the best learning environment I could have ever had.

Leaving my job was also a learning experience. I should have never told anyone until I told my current boss. One of the office pets called him at home. So when he came in the next morning it was ugly. He told me to pack and leave. I said I was giving two weeks. He said “too bad.” I ended up calling a superior of his in Los Angeles. I got paid for the two weeks I just did not work. So I was relaxed for the new position. It was also a great job because I could take the train into work each morning.

I was still sporadically seeing Anthony. I wanted him to pay for my guilt and pain. I told him I would go out with him but we had to stay at a hotel. We went downtown to the Hyatt Regency Chicago. It is such a beautiful place. But it was all over and I knew that right away. It was a huge mistake.

I then recall going to a party in the neighborhood. I ended up getting involved with another loser. This one was a baseball freak. He was nice enough but I can see I really lowered my standards. I remember when Jonah found out I was dating him. He was shocked. I see now that I was only in it for the sex to try and fill a void. The void was never filled. I moved on and closed that door rather quickly.

In this time of my life I tried to repair the damage I had caused in Brian’s life. I was able to contact him and apologize. He was engaged to another woman by now. I was devastated. What was I supposed to expect? Should I have expected him to wait for me? That was silly. I still had grandiose fantasies he would choose me. We resumed our sexual relationship. I wanted something, anything. It was enough. I did see that I could not go on that way. He told me after we broke up Priscilla had picked him up when he was down. She saved him and he owed her. Priscilla despised me in high school and now I hated her. Little did I know a lot of her insecurities in her marriage to this day stem from me. How sad is that for her? I would not want to live with that every hour.

I knew the living situation with Betsy was not working. She was stealing my food and then would lie to my face about it. Her other friends told me she bragged how she was able to do this. I just wanted out. I spent very little time at home. I was still going out and partying too much. One Sunday night I went to Reilley’s Daughter the place to be each Sunday. I ended up taking home a guy I went to grade school with years before. The next morning I was like Whoa! Barb was knocking on my door. She was like my mother another person I needed to take care of everyday. She said she had been spotting and she did not know what to do. Then she realized I was not alone. She was so damned needy it was killing me. I said I think she should call the doctor and that I could not imagine it being very serious.

I hated coming home. She started to date a friend of a friend she knew. He had a serious history of mental illness. I had a heart to heart with her when she told me she planned on marrying him. I said your mom would want so much more for you. Her response was my mom would love who ever I loved that loved me back. I knew I could not stay in that environment, but I was paying next to nothing in rent. I was so lost.

I met a guy Jack at a party Lisa’s boyfriends party. I was hammered. I was supposed to stay with Lisa. That night Lisa & Bill went downtown, I was supposed to still stay at her place. I went home with this guy. I felt as if I could not have a one-night stand. I remember waking up going where the hell am I, and what is this next to me? I felt that being with him was better than being alone.

For a short while that was true. I also hated the idea of another one-night stand after my dark period. It was a short-lived relationship and it tested my self-confidence.   I ended up with him for a while. I moved in with him and it was a mess. He was in love with one of his close friends. She hated me. Mary some Irish last name, as were most of the surnames on the south side of Chicago. She was always so condescending to me. I think she hated me because of my age more than anything.

Jack and I went on vacation together. He told me it was my birthday gift and later asked when I was paying him back. We went to Niagara Falls, Cooperstown NY, home of the Baseball hall of fame, Boston, Cape Cod and New York. It was a great trip. That was in August. I moved in with him in October, I moved out in March.

Christmas was very nice. It was one of the best Christmas holiday’s I can remember. New Years sucked. I was sick. I really just did not want to be with his friends. Things in the relationship continued to head down hill. Over a matter of months it all unraveled.  I found his journal that he pined over Mary and loving her. It was horrifying. My last hurrah if you will was his friend Mary sent her a pizza. This was right at the time caller id was just coming out. I got caught. I was mortified.

Jack went away for the weekend and I moved out while he was gone. I moved out and I was determined to get my life back. I was now probably one hundred and fifty pounds. I was gaining weight and I was not happy about it.

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