Date Rape and Shame

I look back and I realize that I have taken a lot of experiences to heart and owned what was not mine to own. Women I think are probably most prone to all of this. I think we always take the responsibility even when it has zero to do with us.

I look back at my first sexual experience and it was violent. The boy – he was a boy he was 17 and I was 16 assumed I was not a virgin when I told him I was. He also did not stop when I said stop. I did not scream in my own house because I thought I would get in trouble so I would just take what I brought on myself.

This was the first man that my mother loved that I was unsure of but I dated because I thought she had my best interest at heart. This was my mother who was unhappy and jealous of her daughter. The problem is that as a 16 year old girl you cannot decipher all of what is going on and you just gravitate to what you think you deserve. At least that is what I did.

I think I knew a year before this happened to me that my mother was full of shit. She would say one thing and then when it happened was totally different. For example, she told me if we were ever out and someone was drinking who was driving us to call her. I did this once and you know I totally regretted it. She made such a scene with me. I did not get the this not a great situation but I am glad you called because drunk driving is worse.

This experience for me was one I did not release quickly. I found a counselor to talk to on my own. I did not think it was criminal what happened to me but today I feel so much different. I wish I had prosecuted him. I wish I had known more. I wonder if he raped again.

The night it happened was the night our HS lost the State Championship. All I really do remember was he was brooding when he came over. I also in my head think it was a stormy night although I think that is added memory but I know it was cold.

Months later a girlfriend and I were driving around and I was at the wheel when he was crossing Cicero Ave. I hit the gas and nearly hit him, I wanted him scared like I was that night. He did not use protection, I could have been pregnant and he never checked on me.

I wonder sometimes if this is part of the place in my life where I lost what a relationship should be, what man should be to be in my life. I know it sounds so simplistic but I think it is partially true.

How many other girls are raped? The statistics are the following:

About 1 in 5 women have been raped in their lifetimes, a new report by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention finds. Nearly half – 44 percent – of women reported experiencing some sort of sexual violence in their lifetimes. While the numbers are much lower for men who are victims of rape (1.7 percent), about one-quarter of men (23.4 percent) were victims of sexual violence. The agency’s findings are the result of a phone survey completed in 2011.” 

This is so scary, I know that there were other times with male friends where I felt threatened and cut them out of my life before this happened again. Your trust is betrayed, you feel stupid, you think you cannot trust yourself. All these things are lies.

I am not sure how much more education is needed but this needs to end. In the end I felt the shame. I should not have felt the shame, I was a victim. Our society has made it acceptable to make the woman shamed when she was violated. We need a wake up call. The damage is forever and it is hidden.

 

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