I have always been a take charge do it yourself person. This is what got me into trouble in all different types of relationships. I was the one doing all the heavy lifting and the other parties coasted.
I kept the boat afloat and made sure everyone was happy. The exception of the happiness was usually me. Seriously I put my own happiness last and it was tough, the only one who suffered was me.
So this is also my blindside. I see people do the things I did and failed and I feel empathy. Maybe I should run instead but it takes me a while to realize a reflection of my life. So when I become close to a man doing it all I think I saw reflections of me. Do it all alone while married? I had this experience without children, I think it is something more impressive.
The reality for me is that I know my journey and the steps I had to take to not be pulling the load for everyone else. I came up with excuses why and usually they were ego based. I thought I could do it best and that I had it under control. Eventually, I realized that I was not in control.
So I had a text exchange recently that puts this front and center in my mind. I realized that sometimes people delude themselves. I started the text because I realized that I was becoming attached and for me that was dangerous.
I am getting my divorce and moving forward. He is not in that situation. He is the primary caregiver to his children, he is still married, his mother lives with him. The story he shared with me is that she is poor with money and she used her inheritance to shop and hire a nanny. So from my view it looks like he does it all. He cooks dinner, helps with homework and makes sure they are bathed and ready for bed. Looks like the perfect all inclusive parent. So it is easy for me to empathize and rationalize.
The reality for me is I cannot be deterred on the next chapter of my life. This does not exclude him it just means I need to vet it fits into my life. I also realize that sometimes I have given people the benefit of the doubt because of my past.
Back to the text
You know how we say we can ask or tell each other anything?
Me: I feel like I have to tell you, if you were on a good upswing at home I would want that for you. Not because I don’t have feelings for you but because I want you to be happy. I really want you to be open and honest and tell me. Just how you asked about my husband and me I think you need to know it’s hard for me because the difference is a state away and I filed. I am not telling you that as guilt but I just wanted to level set.
Him: I understand
Me: I stay real and I get it
Him: I’m usually playing with u on that anyway with him
Me: I just don’t play back because I don’t want to know the answer and I don’t want you to lie to not hurt my feelings
Him: I have nothing to lie about. I told u that from the start? I don’t hate my wife? Never said that. Could things be better? Yes.
Let me interrupt the text for one moment. The fact all of a sudden he brings up hating his wife is the clue for me.
Me: That’s not what I meant, God sometimes texts screw it up I don’t think you hate her nor should you I am sorry you are not understanding what I am trying to say It’s about me having feelings for you and getting jealous That is what is difficult for me. It would be easier if I did not care about you
Bottom line Is that clearer for you? I forgot the key to friends with benefits is not getting attached or having feelings I am working on compartmentalizing all of it
Him: Yes it is clearer for me.
I was taken back by the hate comment. I never said any of that nor was it implied. It was about how I feel and not falling into a situation that would be repeating my own history. It would be different if he addressed his situation head on but that is not where he is right now. That is okay, that is his journey. Sometimes God sends us clues that we need to recognize.
Taking all the responsibilities for a marriage and a family is a slippery slope. I do not think it is healthy especially when you take zero out for yourself. We were not intended to be martyrs. If you choose that path then you cannot expect to really have time and enjoyment. I am not into Martyrdom as my mother is a pro and we all know she is a miserable person. Not the life choice for me. It is also hard to be close to a martyr, everyone else is ahead of you.
So where does that come from? I think it comes from him pure and simple a Freudian Slip. Sometimes we push feelings down and we think they are safe. Then when we least expect it they pop up. Would I blame him if that is what he really felt? Not at all. Feelings are feelings and I have not and will never live what he has lived with in that relationship.
The other factor for me is that it shows he has not dealt with things that really need to be dealt to move forward. I just do not think he will be moving forward anytime soon. Again, that is okay. So I am now clearer on where things stand. This was a gift. I am not sure I can move forward now. I doubt he is open to discussing it so I will have to figure this out for me.