Slut Shaming yourself – STOP THE SHAME

So again on this journey I find all kinds of things out about myself. So this breakthrough came as my New Year’s Day present from the Universe courtesy of an earth angel friend of mine.

I have met someone and he was not in the plan. NOT IN THE PLAN! SERIOUSLY NOT IN THE PLAN! AGAIN TRANSITIONS ARE NOT THE TIME OR PLACE FOR PEOPLE TO APPEAR. Ok now I again relinquish control over to the Universe since I was able to give my Personal Service Announcement.

This is how it all goes down. I am that person super happy, super positive and I will say Hello and ask how you are no matter what your position at work. That said I am also a flirt, I flirt with old and young men and sometimes women. That should paint enough of it for you. Everyday the craft workers flirt with me and sometimes it is too much but I go with the flow. There was one particular guy that was subtle enough and peaked my interest. I am going to be clear here, I was at the tail end of a divorce, I cannot even tell you if people were aware I was ever married there.

I am going to own all of this and fuck those who want to judge, this is my journey and I am not judging their journey.

So this man kept saying he would make me dinner and other things. So something finally shifted and I was like I am going to ask him out for drinks. This is not my comfort zone and I still want the man to be a man but sometimes they have no idea you are in the game. That said I try and figure out a way to be discreet because I am NOT going to be the talk of the building. Not my style.

A Thursday morning at 7 AM I went to the basement for something and he was walking in. I was already talking to one of his co-workers who has a mad crush on me (which will never in a million years amount to anything). I had written a note in my phone “Want to go for Margaritas tomorrow night?”. When he walked in I said I have something to show you. And as the other guy had his back to me I handed the phone for him to read. He said sure.  Later that day I came down again and called my phone from his.

Ok so far so good right? It seemed so. He texted me that day and that afternoon I got the text that I had to make a gut decision. ‘ You do know I am still in a shitty marriage, right?” What the Fuck? That is all I can think and then I text back the truth that I had no idea. I had to make a decision. Which I did and I continued to get to know him. I do not give shit about what people think here, live our lives and you can make all the decisions you want.

We continued to text and finally decided to meet up. This is the key to my lock being released on myself. He tells me he has only been with 2 women in 16 years. HOLY SHIT. I am a whore is the first thing that flashes in my head. I have been single most of that time and I lived my life as I chose.

What is wrong with me I am slut shaming myself. I was so overwhelmed I had to call a friend to talk me down. This is where I am going with this. Why am I torturing myself? Where did this come from? What happened to Feminism? Brene Brown’s Shame Ted Talk is something I had forgotten I watched.

On NY Day my friend and I walked through it and I realized my mother and her stamp of disapproval were all over this. This has zero to do with our marital status, it was about the numbers. Numbers tell you zero. I thought back to my mother’s crazy.

This woman told my boyfriend and his parents that sex is just a recharge of the battery and that is how she looked at it in her marriage. WHOA freak! Additionally this woman forced me to break up with my boyfriend from HS because we got caught having sex twice. She forced me into therapy or I would be kicked out and my other family would let me live on the street.

So way back in the day I was told sex was bad and I got punished. Seriously the wounds we carry and do not heal are very fucked up. I buried this shame and now I uncovered it and realized it was not even valid. I am not going to lie there were times when I was like a man and I think I looked at it as more of a sport. That is just not where I am with it today.

The healing is progressive and it has lead me to uncover more things that I harbored and internalized that were not true.  I do not know where this will lead or not with this man but I am on the train, eyes wide open and I will see where it leads and take all the healing and lessons along the way.

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