Forgiveness is free

Forgiveness is free, yet it can be the most difficult thing to straddle. I left each of my husbands for different reasons. I am not happy I left in the sense it was a great experience. No one ever imagines the day they take the vows that this is how it will end. 
I am a passionate person, I am a loving person. When I love you I will love you to your core I will love you and it is unconditional. I see now that my ex was definitely a soul mate. A soul mate is not always meant to be forever and love to last. This case I think it was to teach each other. I miss him, I miss his laugh, I miss surfing together, I miss holding hands and I miss my calming comment when we would drive and I would remind him that we will get there when we get there and all that matters is that we are together.  
Sounds so ideal, why did I leave? Well there are many reasons I had to leave. You cannot force a plant to grow in a box without light and water, it turned into that at one point. This is the thing. When you have energy that is connected, you cannot stop feeling the others energy. You can try to turn it off, but there is no switch. 
Sometimes the forgiveness is not about you but them. Sometimes you have to release them and help them forgive themselves. I know he was and still is flawed. I know why I left. I should have been wise enough to see when I leave he is not going to be open to anything I say. 
 What I do know is that forgiveness and love is something you give freely. You should be able to know why you did it and how to release it. I loved him and I loved myself, I needed to step away. I wish him the best and I think he is suffering so I tried to reach out. 
The letter below is what I had sent to him. Yes I said had sent, I know him better and if it came from me or that is who he thought it would never be read. 
I hope he reads it and understands I want him to be released from the chains of unforgiveness. 
It was sent, now we wait and see.

To my love from the past,
I have known you long enough to know I had to write this and mail it from somewhere else to ensure you would at least open it.
I am sorry for the way I left, I love you, I have never stopped loving you, now it is just different. I continue to pray for you, as I know something is going on with you. I know you will NOT tell me or open up to me. 
I guess I deserve that to a degree. I remembered our anniversary and took you out for dinner for that and your birthday. I thought I could get away for a while and figure it out. The depths I went and the heights I went with our love were huge. You thought I hated you or wanted to taint your birthday. You were wrong I was trying to make it all work and keep you happy. I failed, even in how I left I could not do it my way or without failing in your mind.
However, I loved you more than I loved any man before and I think I love you more than any other woman before and possibly after I left. You could not see that I had to leave before it consumed all of whom I was and whom you fell in love. I left when I no longer knew myself. All those reasons I left are because of ME NOT YOU. I should have spoken up and done other things but I failed to do them.
I am here to say Thank you, yes thank you. It made me who I am today and you are the reason I have Mackey. I wanted to share joint custody but you declined. He is a happy fat old man now. I sent pictures because I know you loved him, and probably still do.
I do not reflect on the bad memories, I reflect on the good ones. The Giraffes, the hungry fish, the laughs and the ocean, I always relax when I lay in bed and think of surfing Fiji. We shared adventures and time together, when that faded is where I think we started to fade.
I see looking back that although you wanted everyone to see you as Teflon, you were not. I worshipped you for a time and I tried to keep that hard shell from keeping me out or badgering me. I was not successful.
We are connected and that I cannot change. I need you to know I did not cheat nor is that the reason I left. You know that is the truth deep down. I worshipped you and you rejected me based on false beliefs of what and who I should be for you to love me.  That is all ok. I could wish all day that you really felt the love I gave you and that knew you deserved it. You did feel that love at one time and you just could not accept it for whatever reason. That is not my issue, but I do hope you have figured it out on your life path and journey.
The books to fix me well I am not sure why they upset you so much I wanted to share them so we could both benefit, but you were not ready.
If you did need me or reached out I would never slam the door on you. You know that is not in my nature and I want you to be happy and find peace. I wish you love and all the good in the world, I wish you felt the same about yourself.
It will not matter if you share this with others or not, this reaching out is not showing weakness, it shows you what Love really is at the core. I accepted you as you were and I knew all along you were flawed as each of us.  We were just flawed differently. 
Sending you light and love to help you find what ever it is you need to be whole and at peace. You are worthy of love and although you told me no after we were apart for a while I get we were not meant to try again. I hope that you find forgiveness in your heart for me and for you, as I know we both were part of the failure.
I look at all of it as you were just not ready. I am sad we were not ready but I want you to find the things in this life you need to find. I am hesitant to think you will reach out to me because sometimes pride and ego rule where they have no business. Because where pride and ego rule, love cannot fully shine. I hope that you are getting some rays of the love I am and have been sending.  My cell has not changed nor my email.  I am here if you need me for anything.
I know the friends you had in the past were more superficial and that is fine for you but I know you would never go really deep with them. I offer you my ear, email whatever, I know you deserve to heal and be whole.
I love you XXX XXXX and you cannot stop me from loving you until the day I die. We have a connection in this life and I cannot explain it. So I will send you love to heal you as much as it can.
Loving you the bug for exactly who you are without question or need to change,

The Bear * Joyce

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