Changes and Resolutions and Fear

Well it is now almost the last week of January and I have been keeping up with my goals for 2017. I heard 2 different facts both said by a date people had dropped the resolution, one was Jan 16 and the other was Jan 20. Either way, my life changes and goals are still in full effect.

I have made my ritual in the morning, meditation, Tony Robbins and a work out. On days off that is the order, on weekdays work out first. When I walk my dog Mackey, my goal is unabridged joy just as he exhibits.

He is totally in the moment and that is how I want to live my life too. We are all wrapped up in our phones, or other electronics we miss the moments. I am focused on making the best life I can live and that includes the peaceful moments too.

I bring my dog up because I see that he does not live the way many of us. He does not randomly shame himself, he has a healthy relationship with food and he loves unconditionally and freely. I know that I have shamed myself too much. I slut shamed myself, I food shamed myself, I shamed myself if I missed a goal. I could go on and on.

What is important is that I see my patterns and I work to consciously stop them. I think there are times when we wake up for a nanosecond and say I am going to X,Y and Z. But then life happens or challenges arise. The reality there is if you want it enough you are going to find a way. The late great Randy Pausch’s Last Lecture he talks about walls getting in the way. His view is walls are there to see how bad you really want to get to the other side. I assure you if you have never watched it, it is a powerful hour and seventeen minutes that I cannot recommend enough.

I have been a seeker of life improvements and spiritual growth for at least the last 15 years. It has been constant seeking. The messages are all very similar and I have greatly benefited. This week I realized that maybe I was not fully ready to embrace this knowledge. It was possibly be in a hibernation mode? I am a bear out of hibernation, I am shedding the layers I do not need in every area of my life and I am letting out a huge roar of life. I got this.

I made the steps this year to change my eating habits, well guess what? It was not what I was eating it was what was eating me. I love all the little catch phrases and when the sum it up, you better know I am going to use them.

I do not overeat because I am ok, I do it because I am in fear mode. The unknown has been difficult for me. I have relinquished a lot of control issues and let me be very open here that control problem resonates in every area of my life including the bedroom. I am working to release all of this because it is not healthy to be in control all the time. I believe in the movie Days of Thunder (I date myself but too bad) “Control is an Illusion”.

Looking deeper I see in intimate relationships it is very easy for me to take full control. Guess what the problem there is for me? I do not want to be in control. I want to be the fucking woman!!! Yes screw feminism here, I want a man who can and does take care of things. I do not want a boy to be his mommy. If you are sucking my tits well it better be good for me too and not because you did not get breastfed enough as a baby.

Well relinquishing control scares the living shit out of me. The reality is I know I need to do it to grow and attain the relationship I need and desire. I am going to get out of my own way so it can happen. I want to be the woman, I want to be in the nurturing role, not every role.

I also realized that as much as I joked the weight was a protective coat, it was and I no longer need that coat. I am going to release it with all the pain and angst that went with it.

As much as you fear, you are taking that much away in the possible good. I know we fear the unknown and change should be a 4 letter word but it is not and good can come out of it. Visualize it. Make it real. Make your life your own. Live the life you dream. Be a beacon to those others who fear change.


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