So I was talking to a friend recently and I realized we are a society of cop outs. I am not going to judge what we were discussing but what I am going to say is something that I realized transcended the content discussed on that afternoon. You must have someone bring equal energy and effort to the relationship for it to be healthy and successful.
I always seem to be the sounding board for my friends. I am honored and I know it is based on a huge trust factor. I have been through a lot of different experiences and I have come out of them stronger. I think that is partially the reason I am this board for my friends. I also think they know that no matter what information I give them it is because I love them and want nothing but the best for them. This is something I struggle with to do for myself. I am a work in progress and that is definitely for a different blog post. ( I will post about it I know that is truth)
This discussion that I was reflecting about was in relation to my friends marriage. I am no stranger to marital problems, read enough of my posts and you will know that is the brutal truth. What you would also know about me is that I have worked harder on my marriages than any other part of my life, without the results I prayed. Which points out I should have worked harder on me first, another blog for another day. At the time of this discussion my marriage was on its last breaths and it was not going to be salvaged for reasons that you can read about in later posts.
I asked him what is the percentage you give for your marriage to be saved? The response was 30%. As a good friend I had already given my percentage as 0%. So here is the key phrase I realized was something that resonates in peoples lives. He then told me marriage is hard. Well I already know that anything you want that has value involves work. I am learning that daily in my diet and exercise goals.
However, I know this when you really want whatever it is and it makes you happy, you push through to get where you want to be. So the times you don’t well you are not ready, or something else. I have an MBA and Doctorate, a PMP a CPSM and you know what every one of those things involves hard work. No one said “Hey Joyce you are fun, here are these certificates”.
Then I looked at relationships in general, they can be difficult. What I also realized was that if they are always difficult – Get the fuck out. The reality is that book Tough times never last, tough people do the title says it all. If you are in a relationship with anyone including yourself and it is bad all the time you need a reality check. There is a healthy ebb and flow with any relationship and the effort level fluctuates and it keeps moving forward. When those levels are not met well you struggle and if you do not have a partner who puts for effort, think about that and you will know the answer.
People in relationships friendships, lovers whatever, you need to bring the same amount of effort to each other. If you both are not committed to the relationship it will fail. You cannot be the only one carrying the load of a relationship. That is not a relationship that is some type of torture. If your goals are not aligned you know the answer.
I have heard the reasons (excuses), the number one is children. Let me tell you I do not have children but guess what I am a product of? I am the product of 2 people who stayed together for me. Well let me tell you again how that turned out in my relationship department. Not so great. I am better for it sure but married and divorced 3 times is not what I dreamed of as a little girl. I am not ashamed by any means, I wish it had been different, it wasn’t. I did not see that love in my home. That should be part of your children’s lives.
I actually think Gweneth Paltrow’s Conscious Uncoupling has a lot of value. Sure she turned a lot of people off but really there is so much wisdom there. Let me be clear I am not judging anyone as I have been judged more than my share. I just think we make excuses not to do the difficult things in our lives. You can continue that pattern but you are wasting time in your life.
Change is scary and it is unknown. Sure we see where we want to go but the shelter in place attitude we have been living is far worse. There are so many more things we can experience and live. I know for me I resorted to bad eating and hiding in the house and sleeping. What is the result with this terrible practice? I am not as healthy and I gained weight. I really believe that the weight was a protective coating. Well that coating does not serve me and I am worth more. So little rituals daily and I am releasing it and moving to my optimum health. No more excuses for me.
To those of you who have children I challenge you if you are in a situation you know deep inside you should leave to really think about what it is you are teaching your children. Are you showing them that you are already a single parent just living with the other parent? Are you showing them that there are different types of families that are healthy and happy. Just a reminder the Cleaver’s are not real and there are more healthy functioning families than just the one role model Hollywood rammed down our throat. Find your healthy.
The other part of this is once you disconnect from the unhealthy you can fully live your life and find your potential. You only have one life and it is short. Every day is a gift and that is why it is call the present, so how are you opening it every day?
A friend who is happily married told me last week that you should be happy. If you are not happy you should not be married. She said every day is not perfect but when you are not happy and you are not showing affection and being loving in public in front of friends, family and your children you should take a step back and reassess. She thinks that if you are not committed you should part ways, “You are meant to be happy” I definitely do not think life was meant to make us suffer. Find your happiness and realize change is scary but it will be a better life.
Be happy, find your happy. People who are not putting forth the same effort to be in your life you really should rethink them and why. If it is you not bringing it to you, think about that and change it. You are worth so much more.