Tough decisions – keep them in perspective

You cannot choose for others, I chose for me and my future. Termination is a personal decision and at 21 on your own the magnitude cannot even be measured.. Everyone has to do what they believe is the right choice for them. I want to say that there will always be tough decisions in everyone’s life. The key is to remember they are just decisions, they are not good or bad.

I think for the longest time I would lay some type of adjective on my life decisions. It was wrong to do and in the end it ended up creating more stress and grief than was necessary. I am by no means saying that the decision to do something like murder is a good decision. What I am saying is that when you really think about a choice, you take the time to determine what is the best course for you.

When I was 21 years old I was a clueless, lost child. I believed that my mother told me all things true and that her predictions for me were the only way to live. Children want to believe their parents have the best intentions for them. Thankfully a good majority have just that in parents. I did not have that as I was really the parent in my home.

The truth of my life with my parents has only 4 sides, my view, each of my parents views and the unbiased truth. I was taught not to tell what was happening in that house. I see now why, they were all telling the world a different truth and for whatever reason wanted others to believe that crazy story they made up.  I forgive both of them because one is an alcoholic and one is some type of mental illness whether that is borderline personality disorder or something else.

My soul has been on a path to find peace. It has taken me a long time but I think I am pretty close. I feel looking back I have made the tough decisions for the last 40 years. I am an only child so it is pretty much up to me.

Choosing to hide the crazy in my home
Pretending everything was ok.
Choosing me when I had to leave home for sanity
Figuring out how to make life work without the help of parents.
Determining when I have had enough in a relationship – including family, friends, lovers and spouses

It sounds dramatic to find the strength to choose me. Dramatic maybe strong but it has been my survival mechanism for a long time.  I think when I get to these tough decisions it comes down to me and looking at the other person.
Can they help themself?
Are they taking advantage of me?
Do they really love me?
Are they worthy of my love and sacrifice?

Walking away has never been easy, I always looked at how staying would impact my life.  When I chose to terminate my only pregnancy it left a memory. I knew I would never be in that situation again. I also knew if I became pregnant again it would be with a man I could count on and that would be the father and man my child would be worthy to have in its life.

I surely have a connection to that man who left me and did not show up at the clinic. It is complicated and messy and something I have had to deal with for over 25 years. He has a lot more regrets on his decision than I have on mine. My choice came from a place of love. A place where I said would I be able to give a child the life it deserves? Would I be able to give it up for adoption? Neither were the choice for me.

I know that that turning point was the place where I grew up. I have my moments of wonder, but God gave me other people’s children to adore and spoil. It is not the same but like I said before it was a decision. I see that decisions tear people up all the time. That tears my heart out, they are decisions and we have to realize that the path we are on today is the reason for tens of thousands of decisions before and that is ok. Just realize there are a lot of decisions you have the power to make and make the ones that you know you can live with and that you will be at peace with later.


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