College, such a gentle time. I just like this story because it is innocent and cracks me up. The sad part is I outwardly exhibited confidence when the reality is I had a lot of self-doubt and self-shaming. Over New Years Day a friend and I were discussing my own self-slut-shaming (a future post) and I realized where this originated. I am going to start this post with something insightful and not amusing. I promise I will end with the laughter on this one.
I look at my relationship with my mother and I realize now at 47 that she really was jealous of me. The insight here is powerful and sad. It is powerful because I can see when I started to hate myself. My mother could be a professional martyr. I remember in HS when I wished I was never born because of her pain. I actually at one point wished abortion was legal so I would not have lived and she would have had a better life. Let’s be clear now, she would always be miserable, that is deep within her, whether I was born or not. She would never have given me up for adoption because she was and is too selfish.
Do not get me wrong, we are all on a journey. I do not forsake anyone’s journey. I know I had never shared these feelings with my dear uncle, her brother, or he would have snapped. Not with me you see, but with his sister. This is deep rooted.
When I was 19 I was caught by my parents not once but twice having sex. I was on the pill, it was my long term boyfriend, whose cherry I popped. The reaction, I was forced into therapy and if I had to break up with him. If I did not I was being kicked out of the house and my mother told me the whole family would forsake me. Living in that crazy, I believed it to be true. Not a shock now that I have the tendency to slut-shame myself more than other women.
So the summer after this shitty Christmas, I was out with a girl friend. We would go to summer carnivals and festivals and have a great time. I think this was in Crestwood or something. We were 20. We ran into a couple of guys she knew and what I LOVE about this memory is that it was so innocent.
These two guys were following us around the event flirting with us. There was some game where the blonde guy I liked won some goldfish. We kept telling him he should give them to me. He said “3 kisses for 3 fishes” How funny is that? Ok maybe this is just me and my memory. So I kissed him for the first one totally tried to kiss his cheek. Of course he turned. No tongue. Then the second kiss closed and third I did make out with him. Maybe this event in my life is why I love my koi pond so much.