Ego is the worst decision maker

Just sitting back and reflecting on my life. Sometimes it all comes down to a math problem. I look back at my life and the paths I have been on. I have seen some patterns. The common denominator that takes me off my life path is my ego. Who would have ever imagined in Psychology 101 my first class in junior college that a basic concept was so central to my life decisions. The ego is defined as “the self especially as contrasted with another self or the world or the one of the three divisions of the psyche in psychoanalytic theory that serves as the organized conscious mediator between the person and reality especially by functioning both in the perception of and adaptation to reality” Websters Dictionary. I have been on a Spiritual Journey all my life but I would have to say that the last 10 years has been a quest. I have investigated different Religions and new Spiritual Practices. I have been working towards the best self I could be in this life. Just like anyone else I sometimes get lost. I have tried to stay on point and on focus. But when I look back I see that the key decisions I make at times when I am the most vulnerable and lost have lead me to the most difficult situations. I want to say that this time I am on point and I see it and will not get lost again but how can I predict? I really can’t, it is just a desire. My ego has been trying to convince me that I have found love, that it is not perfect and to accept the men in my life you really have most disappointed me. This includes my Father, and all my ex-husbands. Yes it is plural. I believe in myself in the end. I have come so far in this life that I refuse to let anyone take me down. If the man in my life is not willing to meet me 1/2 way or pull his weight then I do not know why they should be in my life. To be continually disappointed or have to pick up after a grown person (and I do not mean cleaning in the traditional sense) I cannot be someones mom that I did not give birth. I also realize because I fix things and that is at the heart of who I am it becomes a liability. Because I go into survival mode and I try to make everything better. I need things to be orderly in my life and when they go awry, I go back into my child mode. Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOA) we are fixers and not in a healthy way. I am going to keep working on me. I will eventually get it right.

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