Lazy River

So as I think about things I wonder if when we feel life is going smoothly and we are at peace, is that like the lazy river ride? I am thinking it is that way.

We just chill and enjoy the moment. I hate drama and for all the little drama that has ensued lately this is a welcome time. I am not worried about the future, it will come.

I have little control over the future, I can only control my actions and reactions here in the present. This weekend was so good for me. I was really just going with the flow. Sure I had tasks and chores but overall it was peace.

I spent time with Danny Friday and really it was quality time. I recognize that is the best type of time. I don't want excessive time that is not enjoyable.

The river is just flowing along and I know I am going to sit in my floaty and enjoy it. I will take in the sights and experiences and be grateful for it all.

May all your waves be glassy.

Timing is everything

So I know I have things to say and items I want to clarify. I think we all have these in our lives. What I do know for sure is that timing is everything. Danny came over for dinner on Friday and it was the weirdest thing, I felt the energy between us had changed.

I am a very sensitive person to other peoples energy. I easily absorb it if I am not careful and I can always sense the energy shift in relationships. So when he arrived I was just getting dressed. When I came out of the bedroom to the living room, I could sense it immediately.

It was like a wall of some sort had fallen and I could see him more clearly and deeply than I had before. He was more open and I could feel it. It was a positive feeling, it was nothing I would be upset about.

This may sound ridiculous but I chose not to discuss Tuesday at this time. I am not going to forget it, I will address it but that was not the time. It was such a great evening, I was not bringing the toxicity of Tuesday and that experience into it.

I did not expect him to stay over, so when I came out of the bedroom and saw he had his bag I was a little surprised. Hey, it was a good surprise, but none the less, I had not expected it.

We had dinner and watched a movie and a show we DVR. It was super low key. When I got up first, I had the coffee made and took care of Mackey. When he woke up he had a fresh cup of coffee next to him on the bedside table. When he left he had a fresh cup of Starbucks to go.

This is what I do know, he gets what he has in me. Tuesday, is not a threat, but it will be addressed in the line of respect and boundaries. Sometimes we just need to enjoy the moment and be happy in that moment. I did not need a serious drama discussion on Friday, I just needed to be.

I know one of the lessons I am learning it patience and timing. I hate drama so this is a good lesson. Boundaries is definitely part of it and I will continue to make mine known and respected.

May all your waves be glassy.

Misjudged every time – I am an Atomic Blonde

I think that being blonde, loud, having big boobs and a bubbly personality is often misjudged. Sometimes it pisses me off and sometimes I realize what a gift I have in that caricature. My uncle would always tell me people are judging me and to be aware, I just never notice until it is more than obvious. Today I saw the preview for Atomic Blonde, I may not have a gun but I definitely relate to her.

So when I tell you my managers have always done this especially when they are men, I see it is my benefit. This week again I realized my boss is inept. He hides and never works literally until there is no other choice for him. Yesterday, his boss requested something that I realized I could not accomplish. He told me to call my boss and find the equipment. Three hours later he responded to my calls and email. He said it is handled to let it go. Well his boss did not tell me to stop, so I still proceeded.

I have been told that within the organization people may think I am a dumb blonde, but they are misjudging me. I think that this really plays into my hand. I am not going to let people know anything different until it is necessary. After all, if they want to judge a book by the cover, they should be surprised when it whips their ass.

So in reflection, I see it obviously happened with Tuesday as well. The thing here is that I am really confused. When I say confused, I mean if she really knew Danny, she would know that he is not attracted to dumb people in general.

I am sure she was informed I am a Doctor, and that of itself should say something. Well, I guess it didn’t. Today I am going to see Danny and I am going to let him know how hurt I was by the chain of events. I am also going to say it started with him sharing. I get he thought it was a safe share, but we now know it wasn’t.

I am not mad at Danny, I am mad at Tuesday and Sheldon. Let me be clear about the reason. Danny is still figuring out how things work. She was supposed to be his confidant. I have been in her shoes. I have and do always give it straight and honest. I would never entrap them to fuck it up.

Here is the other difference when I give the advice. I am never the one wanting to fuck or be with the person I am giving advice. I get it is a Harry Met Sally thing, men always want to fuck the girl. So if it was reversed it would have a different angle. She has and had an agenda. I almost feel sorry for the woman he dated last year.

Hagatha, she had her own issues but she was probably not as smart or as confident in the relationship with Danny as me. Now all the pieces fit together. She was intimidated by Tuesday, but not in the way Danny was told. Hagatha’s failure was to see it for what it was and to convey it accordingly to Danny. Maybe Danny was not ready to see it or maybe it was not as clear as my recent experience.

I am well aware that tonight I really don’t want to talk about this experience, but it is mandatory. The thing I know more is I want this to work and this needs to be a level set. As sure as the day is long, I know he already feels bad and realizes it started with him. I know the best way to discuss it is to flip it.

If we went out with a male friend of mine who I have known over 20 years, would what happened to me be okay with him? If he was ignored by my friend for the night,  before and after the snappy the turtle moment, would he feel disrespected? The answer to both is: Yes. Would it be tolerated? The answer is: No.

I need to feel safe in this relationship. I need to feel respected. I need to know the same holds true for him and I will do everything in my power to ensure that is always the case. If it slips, I am going to right the situation immediately. And just as I would right it, he must do the same. She cannot be part of our relationship, our issues cannot be safely shared with her, that was proven.

Somehow, yesterday I felt my power return. The fog cleared and I saw that Tuesday picked the wrong adversary. I have treated Danny with nothing but, respect, kindness and love. That goes a long way, I absolutely know it is not about the sex, although I know that is bonus. If he chooses Tuesday over me, well then so be it. I do not think that is going to be the outcome but I am prepared.

Danny as I see him now is a man of integrity. So really I think we will talk about it and move on. I am not a gambler, unless it was on driving to a beach for a surf session that may or may not happen. So when I tell you I think this is all good and it will be resolved and we will be stronger, I would bet on it. The ways he reached out this week, I know he feels bad and knows I did not deserve to be blindsided. I also know he must believe I was justified to some degree is taking Sheldon’s head off verbally.

Let’s be clear here, if Tuesday dumps Sheldon I could give a fuck. It will have no bearing on my requirements in regard to her. She is NOT to be included in our issues and I will be asked or given some notice we are seeing her.

Hey Tuesday, Go Fuck yourself, I am stronger, smarter and confident. I know at the end of the day he comes over and sleeps with me and I am the one on my knees for him in the bedroom. Be jealous as fuck bitch, you are not changing anything here. If it does change I am moving the fuck on.

Stay tuned.

May all your waves be glassy!

 

 

 

 

Energetic Ties

I have regained my power recently. I am not sure when or why it took so long to happen. Today I realized that I am not going to be a door mat. I have to speak my truth and I feel good about it. I have thought about it and I was starting to pull away again today.

This has not been the first time when I started to pull away. The part that is odd is every single time I start to pull away or just back away emotionally, Danny reaches out. The format has been different but it has happened before and it happened again today.

Earlier this week, I stripped my phone of the wallpaper of us. I then changed my Facebook profile picture. I removed the picture of us from the weekend with one of me from my boudoir shoot. It is the picture I chose for this post.  I did these things and then in the afternoon I get a text from him.

The text would not be odd in and of itself. It was what he said in it. I am not going to go into it but the fact was it made me stop. I took a long pause before I responded. Even then the response he gave was odd. Now it could totally be that he realizes that what happened on Sunday is a fuck up and it is his fault. He was and is the root cause.

At the time I just thought this is weird. I have felt anxiety before and known it was not mine. It is just part of being energetically sensitive. I am now seeing that this is really his energy lately.

So today, I decided enough is enough. I am going to tell him how I feel about what happened over the weekend and fuck it all if it is over. I did not care and I was of the mindset that he is probably over me too. So when my phone rang and it was him, I did not know what to think. Actually initially when he was talking I was thinking the worst.

I am always the half full in a relationship. I am always the positive one. I also know that the last two days I have been trolling for airfare to South America. I get it, I know what it would mean if I committed to Ecstasy. It is an easy fix and I would have to forfeit Danny.

The problem for me was I have a lot of known unknowns and they are not being addressed fast enough for me. I know at the end of the day that is the crux of it all.

This has not been an easy adjustment for me. I have to work at things a lot harder than I have in the past. The reality for me there is that things I didn’t work at did not work at all. So I sit here and work at it. Then I wonder is he working at it?

I had zero intention this week of bringing up the Respect issue until I reflected on it and now I know I have to do it. Well it won’t be just a Netflix and Chill evening. I have to tell him that respect and trust are important and essential to me.

If the role was reversed I know it would have been an immediate issue. I just sometimes am in the slow lane and it takes a while for me to see where the turn lane starts. I am not expecting drama. I will be prepared for it. I am just going to speak my feelings and needs. I was hurt and embarrassed again. If I am important to him, which I believe I am, then this is not a big ask.

Do not share our relationship with Tuesday or anyone else. It dilutes it.

If we are going out with Sheldon and Tuesday, I want to be aware in advance.

I love him and if I have to leave I will. I cannot be disrespected period. He should not want to spend time with people who disrespect him either. I am not making an ultimatum about Tuesday, I am going to just shine a light on her shade. He will do what he is going to do. I know in the end betrayal for him is a Cardinal sin, and when he sees her for what she is, he will drop her on his own.

I know now I cannot deny the connection. I think that is what happens with soulmates. The energy is definitely sensed by the other whether that is something they are aware of or not. That energy is a part of you and you need it and crave it. I am still going to be aware of what is going on, but I am going to work at righting the ship sooner.

I cannot live in fear. If he leaves, he leaves. If I straighten it out, then I am better as I will not have all that anxiety.

I hope all your waves are glassy.

Respect

So I think it has been a while where I really looked at something and took it all in from every angle. This Sunday prompted such review. I also had more than a few aha moments to accompany it.

As Danny always likes to surprise me, this weekend was another one of those moments. Danny surprised me by taking me to the Zac Brown Band concert. It was a great surprise. I know he is not a country music fan so it was a total shock.

He had the couple meet us who met us at the Elvis Costello concert. This is what I want to clarify first about the wine fiasco after the concert. This couple was absolutely plastered and making out on the lawn. I saw this for myself. If Danny thought I was that hammered or going to be sick, I guarantee you he would not have started the car.  So what I am saying is that if Danny could not see that I was going to be sick these people definitely did not see it. That clarified, let me continue.

We were supposed to meet this couple at another location and drive together. Initially Danny was upset about this and let me tell you in hindsight I could not be happier that it did not go as he planned. Keep reading and I think you will agree.

Danny and I set up the tailgate and we were chilling waiting for the other couple to arrive. When they arrived it was not five minutes in until Danny’s friend’s boyfriend shit in my Cheerios.

Let me give you some backstory here. Let’s call the woman Tuesday. I will let you come up with the acronym I am referring to in my head that I crafted the name. So Tuesday brought her boyfriend Sheldon. She had been complaining to Danny about their relationship and was given the advice move on. Which she did not take. He is older than her and not the same Religion (which used to be a deal breaker for her).

Tuesday and Danny worked together 20 years ago. They remained friends and she has met the family and his deceased wife. When his daughter met the last long term girlfriend, his daughter told him she thought he would date Tuesday. To which he responded: “That would never happen I see her like my older sister”. This story was relayed to Tuesday as well.

So back to my weekend.

When Tuesday and Sheldon arrived, I said “Hello to Tuesday and then Sheldon” Sheldon then asked me “Was I able to make it to work the next day?” and “How was that possible?”.  Now let me tell you it was the manner it was said and how he looked at me that I knew. He absolutely knew about the car event I had after the concert. I saw Red, I am not sure how I contained myself. Tuesday had to have heard it and I know Danny did not hear it.

I was able to keep it together at that moment, but it really did not last. I realized that everyone knew about my lowest moment in a long time. I was humiliated and embarrassed. I was not respected and really Danny was not respected either. It was an inappropriate comment and it sure as hell was unexpected.

I am only going to go thru the evening here and then at the end of this experience tell you, what I put together.

I was very quiet and I just took everything in. There was a discussion on how Danny surprised me and that I was the only one who did not know about tonight until we arrived. So Sheldon as courteous and focused then asks me directly who was the opening act. It is at this moment when I lost my shit just a little.

I responded ” How the Fuck would I know who the opening act is if I am the only person who did not know we were coming here today?” I am sure I was snippy and loud. The only thing that pulled me out was Danny almost jumping out of his chair to say “You have to excuse her she is from New Jersey”.  I started to realize I was losing my shit. As Sheldon asked me ” Are you from New Jersey?” I said I am from Chicago.

I chilled out and just kept to myself. When we walked Tuesday and Sheldon to their car to put their stuff away, Danny asked the obvious. “What happened?” I said Sheldon said somethings to me which I should have punched him in the throat. I am sorry I lost it but I had every reason. I am not discussing it until after the show. I will be nice and civil.

We walk to the concert and we paired off. Not as you would think, I was with Sheldon walking and Tuesday and Danny were behind us. I chose to take the high road. I discussed yoga with Sheldon. The Universe must have a sense of humor as we were at the furthest lot from the venue.

We get to the venue and Tuesday has to use the restroom. I was the only one who did not need to use the restroom. Sheldon came back first instead of waiting for Tuesday. I am standing in the sun and Danny waited for Tuesday to use the restroom and get wine.

We go to the lawn and find seating. This is the seating arrangement from the aisle in: Sheldon, Tuesday, Danny and me. Tuesday had been chatting it up with only Danny the entire time. We sit down and then Danny decides we should get chairs. I went with him and we came back and settled in.

Somewhere along the conversation with Danny alone, Tuesday leans over to say we should all go see Eric Church. Danny asks me what I think. I say NO. She asks why. I respond it is a chick show, you would see it with a bunch of girls. She says no, I explain it is a different version of a Kenny Chesney or Jason Aldeen concert. So I killed that one.

Thankfully it was an engaging concert and that seemed the end of the Tuesday influence. Until we leave, now she has to go to the bathroom again. Initially Danny was like we will wait. I am so glad she said no need.

We get in the car and Danny asks, “What happened with Sheldon?” I told him and said he was referring to me and getting sick. Danny said there was no way. I said yes that is what happened. He then told me that the only people who knew were his boys and Tuesday. Yes Tuesday. This is the same guy who told me he did not air his dirty laundry. Well I responded Tuesday obviously shared it. He said he promised to not share it with anyone. I said let me tell you something, she absolutely shared, whether or not she promised.

I know this disturbed him because it means a lot when you promise him something. I gave him an example of something he shared about a friend. I then said I would never reveal it. I then made him promise me that he would not bring this up to Tuesday unless she asked why I was snippy with Sheldon. He promised.

humble

The reason I posted the above is to be clear. I am NOT intimidated by Tuesday at all. She is in the sister zone and that is how it will remain. So the things that are key I am going to hit one by one below.

When Danny came over to my house the Sunday before U2, I could not understand where a lot of the things he said to me originated. Well I realized it yesterday. I also realized I had given similar advice to guy friends. The difference is my guy friends always wanted to sleep with me it was not the reverse case she presents. The crazy shit he said came from Tuesday.

I am very sure at this point she has her own motive and is delusional enough to believe she could be the one for him someday.  I see the game, once again I think I was underestimated.

Here is where we are today. I have not seen him or spoken to Danny. I have realized I was betrayed by him and the humiliation I endured was because of his indiscretion. I am going to have a serious discussion on respect.

I was disrespected when he shared with Tuesday my sickness.

He was disrespected when Tuesday shared the story and I was disrespected as well.

Sheldon disrespected his relationship with Tuesday as well as Danny and me.

The only person in this story who in my opinion did not disrespect was me. I stood up for myself albeit a bit l was snippy but really, I could have done so much more.

I am so hurt that the most humiliating, embarrassing moment in memory period, was shared.  It needs to be discussed and I really am owed a huge apology.

He reached out

I can only continue to be me. I cannot be someone else. It would never work. When I made the photo album and sent it to Danny, I did it with the oddest mindset. I felt if it was over and we were to move on that this was what I was supposed to present to him.

He was touched and surprised I would take the time to make it for him. I know I am something and someone he never expected. I also know we are both learning and growing. I am taking this time to see what is important and what I need, and what we need. More importantly, I see what I do not need and cannot bring or put up with in my life.

My current outlook on life has been really altered by one book. It is a book that a friend recommended. She and her husband used it as it is designed for couples. The thing about it for me is that it works you through your actions and reactions. It is done looking back at your childhood.

I may not have had the worst childhood because I had people who intervened in my parents idiocy. I am now really starting to look at why I feel the way I feel or react to things. It has been really the most enlightening thing for me in a long time.

I look at the way I feel when I expect Danny to do something and it causes stress for me. It is always when I read into it and think that it is going to be negative. I see I am placing a lot of crazy from my parents into this experience. I am now focusing on taking it as it comes and not expecting.

I also realize in the beginning of the relationship that is what I did and I felt more comfortable and secure. I have caused myself stress and anxiety. I am not saying he has not made mistakes, I am just saying that I am making it worse.

This past weekend, I really enjoyed our time. I did not bring up anything, I let it all be organic. I also worked to stay in the moment. It was so much better, the time was all peaceful. I have know this weekend I have one thing I need to discuss and I will bring it up.

I feel I have my confidence back and I am going to move forward at peace. I have though about what needs to happen for the rest of the air to be removed from the balloon. It needs to be to meet his children, the air in that balloon is his. His children will all be home at the end of the month. This is the ideal time in my mind, as they go back to school and their homes. The next time they will all be together is Holiday time and that is NOT a good choice.

So I will breathe more, be in the moment, and not bring drama from my childhood forward. When I do these things I am going to hit CANCEL and reboot it.

The Slow Reveal

I know that in all relationships we have a role to play. The role if it is truly aligned with who you are will not be a problem. I also know that we guard ourselves more as we get older. The reality is that as we age, we are worn down and we realize we have to protect ourselves and especially our hearts.

This week I gave to most extravagant gift I had ever put together for a man I have only known 3 months. This is a man I have to admit I chose to continue to take on the situations and challenges. I have stated before that this experience is foreign to me. I have never dated a widower until now.

I have worked to understand grief as well as how men process the loss of a spouse. It is the way I understand and can interact in a realistic and positive manner. I have said it before I have stepped in more shit than Helen Keller in a dog kennel in this process and it is true.

The fact he went with me shows he is invested. I learned a lot about why he is as guarded, and I also got to discuss the issues that were on my mind in regards to our relationship. I feel like it is a slow reveal with removing the mask for him.

My mask is on the ground and I have no idea where I left it, to be honest. So let me be very clear, I have moments of sheer terror. The panic hits me when I realize I have nowhere to hide and I will have to face the pain if it comes down to it.

This trip was amazing, I will be honest it started off pretty tense after Sunday’s discussion I had no idea how this would unfold. It was scary. When he picked me up we were cordial. I has some sort of mask I suppose but I guarantee it was not on straight.

Once we got to Nationals Park it we warmed up. We held hands as always. The hottest moment was going up an escalator when he just brushed his hands around my thigh and bum ever so gently. On the way home we had very open discussions on grief.

The opening of the dialogue was a good thing. These days together allowed us to have discussions on my place in his life as well as his and our future. I saw glimpses of what he wants to unfold and his hopes.

The time we were away was the best thing I think for both of us. It allowed us to just focus on the moment and our interactions. I could tell that his shell and mask were removed for a good portion of the time we were away. When we started to come home, the shell again was raised.

I get it and I am not upset in the least. I know what I felt and what I saw for myself. I have to sit back and regain my perspective. I need to continue as I have all year working on myself inside and out. If we end up together, great, if not well it was a learning experience.

I asked him if it did not work out if we would be friends; he said he was not the one who had unfriended or thought friendship was not an option in past relationships. So I will take it in the end I will have a good friend if all else fails. In the meantime, I have a friend who I am learning about and who is learning about not only me but himself and our relationship.

May all your waves be glassy