Yin to the Yang

I know in my heart I have to be who I am period. I cannot be something for someone else. I cannot be the pleaser all the time. I know I am a work in progress. I also know that my girlfriends are my best guides. That said I am more open with my friends. Danny is a much more private person.

I can see how my mis-step on the wine is a huge fucking deal. I absolutely woke up knowing that and there was nothing and I mean nothing I could do to fix it. I saw how much damage I did even in the short time I was awake in the car. I was and am horrified. How terrible. I worry about all the small stuff and this got by me.

I am much more of a retreat kind of person once I am feeling defeated; especially in romantic relationships. I cannot always get my bearings. I miss being closer in proximity to my friends. When I am feeling a drift I want to cry and see a girlfriend and get a hug.

Danny is not like me in that way. He is a do not air the dirty laundry. Well I aired it all over the car. I made him miss taking his mother to a doctor appointment that was important and I feel like shit about it. He absolutely could have taken my car, he did not ask.

So today when I broach the issue of seeing each other I am totally at a loss. Everything I feared could happen was happening via text. Yes I was doing it via text. I also gave up on us in those texts. It is hard. All of this is hard for me and I am not saying life is or should be easy but this sucked.

I even told him to take the tickets for him and his daughter and emailed them to him. I just do not want to be a burden or a problem. I feel like a lot of the time integrating me has been a problem. Not because of who I am but because of who he is and decisions he has made for his life.

In this text exchange I also shared my post on this experience. He said we are totally different on this, I air my laundry (under the guise of name changes) he doesn’t. He learns a little more about me all the time. His initial takeaway was that if we broke up over this I would have mis-judged him. Well that is what I think and I told him that. The irony here is he now has the experience of no emotion on the other side of texting. Hysterical if this was not the situation for sure.

I think about this and it seems ridiculous that it went from zero to one hundred in a nanosecond. I cannot change things, nor can I turn it back. I am praying the smell comes out and that the car is cleaned. I mean really I hated the barf smell in my hair and I can only imagine it in the car upholstery.

How can I live this down with his children? Really I do not see how I can and right about now I do not know that I want to see if I can. Shit is already stacked against me and I just lit the fucking match after vomiting the fuel.

I have never been that sick and the closest was at my Reception with Alan He did hold my hair as I vomited. I did not get sick until we were home, that was a plus I guess. It was also on Martinis. That is where the similarity ends.

He wants to meet to talk tomorrow. I will see him then, I am not assured about anything so it will be a wait and see. It makes me really reflect on if all of this is and will be worth it. Sure in the future it could be funny but in the meantime he has to take the fire and smell the stink (literally and figuratively).

This all makes me think I should just go to London or Rome next month to see U2 and say “F” it and be free. I am not sure on this. I have to be sure because there will be no return from that choice. Everything has a price and I know that so I have to be sure I am willing to pay that price.

So maybe there is a price here and I am either not focused on it or I have ignored it. I just need to see for myself what I want to do and what Danny says to me. I am prepared to be crucified because God knows I was married to the reincarnated Pontius Pilate Alan, so I have experience in verbal and emotional crucifying.

Caught in the Web of the Past

I see that I have come a long way in my life. I also see that it is a process. I realized today that I still have issues being the Best Little Girl in the World. If I am that girl then people will love me.

I have woven a pretty tight web of what I can and cannot do, what people will love me for and what they will discard me because I did or thought. Today I realized it is all bullshit. It is all a lie. It is all a control issue I put in my mind from my past.

Alan was a controlling man. Alan had to have things just so or else. He was definitely OCD and I am not exaggerating that point; turning light switches on and off a certain number of times. Everything was meticulous. It was draining and exhausting living life in that box for a better term.

This week Danny and I went out to a concert. It was 90 degrees and humid and it was outdoors. I have been sticking to my clean eating life and I did not eat enough. I did not sleep enough the night before and I surely did not properly hydrate; Pinot Grigio is not a known hydration therapy.

The concert was fine. I was fine until the drive home, I fell asleep and awoke to throwing up all the wine; or what I thought was all the wine in my stomach. Here we go, in the car. I know if this happened with Alan I would have been seriously berated at every turn. This was not what happened, I was taken to a gas station to see if I could throw up any more. I could not. I remember taking my top off and handing it to Danny. I also know I had him pull over one more time and I lost it out the door this time.

So I get home he opened the door. I stripped and took a shower. I woke up in the shower pan later. I got up went to bed and woke up just in time to telework. It was a rough morning. I could not keep anything down until noon. I was contemplating going to urgent care.

So here is where I am now. He texted to check on me in the morning. I texted back and I checked in later in the day. I am horrified and embarrassed. I told him twice I was sorry about the car. He never made mention back about it. I think I need to let that go. However, I am still that little girl worried about making the mis-step and being unloved.

Seriously, I know it is crazy and it sounds crazy when I read or say it. It’s my past and I need to see I was raised crazy and it was not how life really is or should be. If Danny dumps me over this, seriously I mis-judged him on more levels than I thought.

I am terrified to look at him in person. How ridiculous is that? Seriously ridiculous. It was a moment in time I am totally sad about but it happened. So I move on. I will let you know how it all goes. This right before the big adventure. Nothing like God knocking your ego down for you.

I am trying to right the wrong and communicate something I am not a pro. I asked first about dinner tonight, he had plans, then I asked about Sunday.

His text: We can try. If we can’t meet for dinner, at least talk about what happened the other night.

I responded with this

Yes that is definitely something I would like to clear out sooner rather than later

It is really bothering me. If you want to meet up after your dinner to talk that would help me out a lot.

I am embarrassed and ashamed and all kinds of in between.

I can’t undo it and it should not have happened but it did and I am more than sorry.

I have to dismantle the web and look at life how it should be seen and that it is not realistic to think I can be perfect ever.

 

Chosen at Last

Remember the time you were a child and it came time to pick teams? This was the time I think that had the most anxiety of any experience. Tests were one thing, you could prepare. If you are left to the other kids to choose a team, it is up to them and usually it is popularity and skill.

That experience was the most terrifying to me. I was not experienced in sports, my dad was not a sports guy and this was a deficit to me. So maybe, I have this horrible panic that takes hold of me when I am up against others and need to be a choice. It could also be attributed to my parental situation. Okay, for me it is a giant combination and basically a shit show.

So I totally get the reason this weekend’s revelation of the choice made outside my purview was even more important. I am in love with Danny, I love him and I want him to be happy. I am always tortured when I am at the mercy of a choice. I am NOT selfless, I have feelings and I am torn when it comes to Danny and choices involving me and his children.

He has had a long road of selfless and I see it is hard for him. Although, I want to be the choice, it is a struggle for me. I understand his need to protect his children and appease them at the same time. I do not think it is easy or the right thing all the time. The planning of this getaway next week was a big deal for me.

This is the single biggest thing I have done for someone. I had put this together 6 weeks ago. I realize he honored his children’s wishes to not know about “us”. This actually really hit them by surprise especially when it impacted them. Actually it only impacted what they wanted to give him things for Father’s Day that 1) I gave him without their knowledge and 2) that he was unavailable for a large portion of their plans.

It is easy to see that they believe he is marking time and should stay in some place in time for them. Well, let’s face it, that is just not how life works, but at 20 you think the world should be exactly as you see it. I am so proud of him. He has been working to get a life and take every opportunity. I am sure it was discouraging at times to not have the support of the ones you love the most and would do anything.

So when it was revealed to me that he had to tell not one, but all 4 of his children, sorry I have plans with Joyce, I am basking in it. Is it immature? Absolutely. Will I let it go, for sure. However, it showed me a lot about him.

He had told me that this was a big deal and he would be there. He had reiterated it to me over again and again. But, alas I was fearful and not comfortable. I was panicked and paranoid something would derail it. And here we are a week out and I find out that all the kids would be home and we will be away.

We have Cubs tickets on Wednesday, they (the children) planned a Thursday game. We have U2 tickets and Longwood Garden tickets, they entered him in a golf tourney (the days we are away). Well I was erring on the side of not being disappointed and boy was I surprised.

I am sure the children thought he will be pining for mom that week. After all it is their wedding anniversary. Well I am the one that realized that before I stepped in more shit. Divine timing and intervention are always at work here. I think this was all meant to play out in this way.

I hope that when we come home, they want to know more. I am already aware they are jealous he is going to see U2. Well, had things been different I absolutely would have planned it differently. Maybe if things go well in January they will go with us to see the Golden Gophers play hockey. This is also a bucket list item for him, not me.

I get more joy out of this than you can imagine. I am giving him a bucket list item. I will have also seen this tour on the original in 1987 as a Senior in HS with my senior HS love  and now I will see the 30 year revival tour with what I think is my soul’s love; my great love this lifetime that  I could not imagine sharing with anyone else.

I also wanted to say it has been very stressful for me to just wonder what is going to happen with Danny. This is unchartered for many reasons. One is because he is a widower. The situation with the children plays in as well. I chose him, I told him I chose him and I am very aware of why I am there. If his wife was still alive I would not be here and he would not be in my life. It is a really heavy thing to realize. I choose to realize all things are as they should be today, otherwise I would cry every day.

He could have told me that his children planned something and ditched me. He stood by his values and his word. I can only imagine it was a hard pill to swallow when he realized he needed to tell them “no”. He did not say it was hard but I bet it was and I am not going to ask.

Overall, I am one lucky woman, as much as he does not think he has chosen me in a lot of other areas, I already know he chose me. I choose him every day and all the little chosen moments mean more to me now than I could have guessed. I am no longer the un-athletic girl waiting to be chosen. Danny chose me on his team, I am a winner already.

Today if you were to ask me to sum my feelings up. I would tell you

I have found what I am looking for, see you in NJ.

Heroin

I have never been a drug addict or an alcoholic but I have been an addict. I think I look at the past and I can say I had issues with things; shoes, clothes and makeup. The one thing I did have was an addiction to a man. Not all men, just one man.

I have had discussions with friends and I have friends that have the same experience. I can think of him and the rush starts to come over me again. It does not take a genius to realize it was never good because we never committed to each other.

Sure Giovanni and I dated first. I was totally in love with him and there wasn’t anything I wouldn’t do for him. I still can go back to key memories and it is like I am right there now. The problem really was more about the timing in my mind and the places we were in life. Sure maybe I romanticize it all now because it is easier. However, the thing I can tell you as sure as my name is that the energy was real and is still there today.

To be clear I want to state when we were dating my parents were in their volatile divorce. My mother was controlling and hated that 1) I was happy and 2) that I had the life she probably always wanted. G was handsome, he was a drummer in a band and we always had a great time. We lived a good distance apart but found ways to meet up. I am not sure of all I have blogged about it so far but I know eventually I will blog more on those adventures, which I am very grateful; including the crash that followed.

Today it is not lost on me that before Danny left after dinner on Tuesday I was singing Demons to him as it was on my phone. I had already summoned the energy of my past. I discussed him this week with girlfriends and I realized he is “the heroin” in my life. I would be remiss if I stated I did not long for it sometimes. I know that I had to break the habit in the end because it would have broken me.

We dated, went on a break like Rachel and Ross and I had an adventure. I was Ross and he not unlike Rachel made it out to be I cheated. In hindsight I think he strayed when we were together but I never had the courage to ask. So when we came back together needless to say he was angry. We tried again a couple months later but he could not get over the anger. We broke it off – at least to the public.

We always came back together, when we were dating other people, we were serial cheaters. He lost a girl for calling out my name in passion more than once. I was spiraling and never really got over the end. I knew that the switch to friends with benefits could not be undone. So I accepted what I got.

One time I made Jonah stay at my apartment so I would not sleep with G when he came over at 11PM to my apartment. Boy was Gio mad and Jonah was like WTF I will never cock block for you again.  LOL, SMH – I knew he was heroin then.

I have said more than once I ran away from a lot of things when I left Chicago. The thing was we always found our way back to each other. Even when we were married. Was it wrong absolutely. The thing at the core really for me was I should not have been married, I will not answer for him. The love and passion was so deep I would take risks with him and I did not care about possible consequences.

I was always under the spell of those blue eyes and that raspy voice when he would say my name. Never did I ever allow anyone until him to call me JOYCIE. His version was Joy-say.  It brought me to my knees every time.

Let me be clear I never gave a shit about other women in his life. As far as I was concerned I was there first and that gave me some right. I guess in the end my husband cheating on me was karma and I will own it because looking back now; The heroin was still worth it.

Today, I am absolutely jonesing for The Heroin. Maybe you wonder why I have not had my fix. It’s been a long time. Sometimes I think too long. Sometimes I thought we would reunite, total fantasy.

This is why I kicked the habit. We were still hooking up when we were half a country away. This is before cell phones and the internet was an infant state and not involved. We met up on a visit I had back to Chicago and we were in a hotel in bed after another “fix” he told me that his wife and he were going to start a family. This was the line. I would absolutely fuck over another woman for what I really felt was mine to take whenever. I could not be so callous to an innocent child and ruin their life.

Women always know when partners cheat, we just choose to overlook it and keep ourselves safe. In this case, I tried to break it off. It was not working. I decided to divorce my first husband and make a clean start. It was not working, he was still calling and I took a drastic measure that I knew would alter the trajectory for life.

I called his wife at work and told her the truth. Why didn’t I think she would think I was a liar is beyond me but I was 31 or something.  He was calling from calling cards and he had his tracks pretty cleaned up. Maybe I was not his only Heroin, I do not know. I know it ended and I know it was probably a shit show at his house that week.

I felt guilty and free at the same time. I knew it was a fucked way to stop the train but I was totally lost. My life was spiraling and I knew I could not continue on the Heroin and remain unscathed. I already had feelings for him and that was conflicting all the time.

I imagine a junkie feels the same way, the difference is they can get another dealer. I just burned my road to my dealer in that choice. I prayed for forgiveness from everyone involved. I never confessed this my greatest sin. I do think I wrote him and apologized, I just do not remember if I was able to send it or I just burned it.

So why am I bringing this up today? I summoned the energy a week ago. A girlfriend and I were discussing our respective Heroin. I showed her a picture and put it on Facebook. This would not be weird except he friend requested to follow me on Instagram.

Sure we have a mutual friend on FB. Men do not troll FB like women. So I doubt Leon let him know. So let me bring up Leon. He went school with G. I friended him on FB long ago. About 6 years ago and around that time he told me I should reach out to G. I went babbling on a messenger thing about it would be a bad idea and some other stuff. He gave me G’s cell phone.

Just like Nurse Jackie kept the pill in a box next to her bed. I have kept the number and never called it. I am a junkie. This proves it plain and simple. I have it in my phone as well. I feel some peace knowing I have it but won’t act on it.

G FB requested me after he requested my LinkedIn and then my Twitter and Instagram. I want to say it was about a year ago. I accepted then undid each one because I did not think I was strong enough. I have even seen him at an outdoor concert.

I was shaking when I saw him and his friends and their kids. I am a junkie. I know it plain and simple. The drug is powerful and being close to it cracks me at my core. I remained strong and he did not see me until the Lead singer announced the fan that came all the way from New Jersey Joyce is here…. He knew I was there, we both kept our distance. The drug is strong. I got through and went home.

Now I am sitting on my couch thinking of the high and rush from Heroin. I have been thinking all week about it. Sure I know it is all Romanticized now. I am upset with Danny and then I think of G. I compare a lot of things.

It is not fair nor rational. I am definitely being rational. Sure they are both a sexual high. I love both of them, one is in the past and one is in the crux of present and me choosing to move him to the past. I think it is always when we are tested that our addictions come forth.

The good thing for me is 12 hours of car or 2 hours of plane keep me from my Heroin. I also want to point out his children are definitely the Kryptonite that keep me away as well. I am not a full blown home wrecker.

I do not know if I will ever know I will be “clean” for the rest of my life. I do know I chase the heroin in my mind and I cannot imagine he does not do the same. It is terrifying and exciting, it is an all time high and an all time low all in one.

I will never know the what if of this from the past. I just know I am basically in a 12 step.

Elasticity – when does it break

I guess today I am at a point where I have to make some decisions and take a stand for me. It is not an easy task for me to do it when it is in my personal life. I think we are all afraid at some point to some level that what we are asking or stating we need is too much.

I am a fixer by nature, I am a giver. It is 100% out of my comfort zone when I have to ask and state what I need for me. That is why I realized right now I need to go within and be still.  I know that I am a very spiritual person, I am not Religious. I also know that the Universe sends people to you exactly when you need them when you are being tested and maybe when you are breaking or broken.

I always heed to the signs and take note, maybe not in the moment but I absolutely recognize they are present. The people come to me with words and guidance when I need them. Also when I take the time to sort through the noise I know what is the best path.

Today I have to find the resolve and confidence to know and believe it is time to ask. I have had my plans for the weekend shot out from under me again even before they started. It is not lost on me that Danny stated last week maybe “hagatha” was right I am not ready to date. I heard those words this morning and I realized again it is an excuse, but this time I realized more. He needs to learn how to communicate with someone who is not his dead wife.

Learning to communicate is NOT easy when you expect people to be exactly alike. I have stated the things I that work for me and what does not work to Danny. I think he either forgot or failed to realize it was not bullshit.

I think texting is for little things. Quick notes or reminders, it is not acceptable to tell someone that plans are off in a text. I think it is the equivalent to Berger breaking up with Carrie on a post it note. For me it is about respect.

When I respect you I will take the time out to call you. I will hear what you need and let you know if that is something I can or cannot accommodate. I do not think it is asking too much for a phone call.

I deserve to feel valued and respected and for it to be true. I would have totally understood the reason and still been sad about my plans but it would have been on a different level.

He still has not had the time to get to know me and see I love kids of all ages. This is a time thing but at the same time he seems to be feeding fear into himself. I cannot say I blame him but what I can say is he should figure out how to work through it.

Some time away is good for me and I will say I hope that they are fulfilling him in all his needs. I know this is not true and I am totally being sarcastic here.

The time has come to have this talk now too. All these talks we have are productive they are just tough for me to bring up.  In the end the air needs to be cleared but I am tired of them right now and I am still in fear. So I need to be still and pray, meditate, work out whatever it is that I feel will help.

Namaste

I Choose Danny

I never have felt stronger about what I decided to do with Danny. I am not sure that he is aware how new this is for me. He is a huge force and you know what I accept that but I am not allowing him to drive my boat. He should be a part of my life, it should be as I choose, he does not get to make it easier for us.

His idea of easier is not easier and it would result in us both being without each other. This would disrupt the life lessons we are to learn from each other. I am not going to allow that to happen in that fashion.

Old me would have let him drive the whole deal. I am not doing that anymore. I am an active participant in my life and our life together. He may have a couple of years on me but he does not hold all the life information and know everything.

We should be working on this together. We are going to work this out together. If I have to wait 3 months what is the difference, I waited this long and I want to see what happens. That is my choice too. I love him and whether he understands fully what that means or not well he is going to have to wait and see.

I choose him. I choose this experience. I choose to work through this with him.

 

Temptation – It happens

So today I realized something pretty unbelievable. If you are in a place where you think that you are confident and that you have made your choices, temptation will come and it will look you straight in the eye and say “What’s it going to be Joyce?”. Not only did this happen once this weekend it happened twice.

Giovanni reappeared and I know he was my “Heroin”. The song Demons is not lost on me at all.  The song is pretty poignant for me and I am sure for many more out there. The song starts:

“Sometimes they’re in a bottle
Sometimes a pair of high heal shoes
Some come rolled in paper
Some have six strings and only play the blues
Once you meet the devil
There’s no way he’ll let you be
When I’m not chasing demons
There’s demons chasing me
Skeletons in closets
Ghost underneath the bed
They hide out in pictures
And in words better left unsaid
They hang around like perfume
And haunt me like an ancient melody
When I’m not chasing demons
There’s demons chasing me”
My demons always have two legs and have been in my heart and head and have torn me apart in the past. I got by them more than once and it took a hard couple (or more in the case of Giovanni) lessons to move on. My demons have names. My demons reappear. It is the test of my life and my love of Danny and that relationship that I chose.
Today I did a FB live and one of the Demons appeared. It is NOT a coincidence that this weekend was a pivotal point for me and Danny and that both Demons appeared. They Universe was basically asking me “What’s it going to be this time bitch? Is Danny what you want or are you Jonesing again for the Heroin and the other demon?”
I have one unequivocal answer – Demons, you are on your own, go fuck your own lives up. My life is on track. I know my souls purpose on this planet. I have found what I was looking for and it is reciprocal. I would be a FUCKING lost Idiot to say the least if I did not recognize it and move forward, sidestepping this serious drama.
I am not saying I would change the drama of the past. This sounds silly, but if I changed it I would not be here now ready for this life. I am here, Danny, I am waiting and I choose you, I chose you this morning and today when the Demons were at my door at my face, I saw your face and I chose you again. Danny – Oel ngati kameie  – I see you and I choose you.