Holly Hobbie Watch

I have very few things from my childhood. I know there are some people that have boxes and boxes. I am not one of those people. For the most part, my fathers violent drunken episodes saw to it that not a lot survived.

Yesterday I met my new therapist. It is not all the time you can say it is a perfect match after one visit. I can say that for sure today. I am not one who tells everyone that I can talk to the other side. For one most people would think you are either crazy or the devil is involved. I have been pursuing my path for the last 15 years.

I have been a seeker of information. I have been made aware I am a light worker and as time goes by more and more gifts become evident. Yesterday after therapy I asked for a sign. As I was sitting at home I remembered my childhood watch. A watch for some reason 6 years ago I got a new band and made sure it worked.

This morning, I went intuitively into the office and opened a box. There was my answer.I believe that we all have an Akashic path. Mine was reaffirmed with the watch. The character was not that popular for me in childhood. For whatever the reason I knew I had to keep it.

I also want to say on Tuesday at the nail salon her name came up unexpectedly there as well. I get it. I hear her, I know my path. I will fulfill the destiny and at this time I do not know what that means but I know I am on target.

May all your waves be glassy.

Joseph was a Carpenter, I am a Doctor

I have laid low this week. I did reach out only once and I guess I thought it would be a monumental point. I sent Danny the screenshot of his home on Zillow and Trulia. The scared straight moment I would have thought he would come clean with his children. It has not happened. It is not my issue, I know I hate that I am a fixer.

This again has showed me I have to restrain myself. I am not Jesus Christ, I am not the Savior. I am not a carpenter, I cannot fix things or people, I am a Dr just not the head shrinking type. I know it is a hard lesson for me. I have been fixing things and people for a long time. It is how I think I believed I gained love from my parents.

This is another step in my growth and a lesson in my life. I have to sit back and watch it all burn. I hate it. I want to step in and fix it all. I know there is nothing I can do, he is not at his rock bottom. Oddly enough I see him under the rock and he does not even see he can stop the madness.

How do we get so lost? How do we lose focus? How to we allow our ego in one breath to take control and in the other succumb to fear?  If people love you, they love you. They may be disappointed in you but they usually do not stop loving you.

I guess I have been forced to sit back and see what this means for me and my growth.

This is not victory at sea, this is not a rip, this is the dead calm that we are forced to sit and wait for the waves to start.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

 

Closing out a year on a big note

So I have been on this journey now for almost a year with this blog. In that time I have reflected on my past as well as looked at my present. The present has been a tough navigation for me. I have worked on myself and looked at situations closer than I ever did in my past.

Ironically while I was finishing my post about gratitude was when he called me on Saturday to alert me to an issue in the family and our relationship. It was bad he told me and we needed to talk. WTF, I was honest in my answers to his questions and he said he would get back to me tomorrow. 22 hours later on ice I was, and that was probably not a good thing for his expectations on how I would be when he called. I was dead calm and detached, I am sure my bitch face was on too.

I have endured a lot of drama this year. I will agree with those closest to me that a lot of it, okay the majority of it was from Danny. I think I put in the good fight and now I am taking off the gloves and retiring from this ring. When I say this ring I mean the one with him and our journey together. I can in all honesty say, I gave it everything I had and it was the best I could give every day.

I am not sure he can say the same, but maybe he can and that is his journey. A friend at work compared me to the sun this week. You may be aware I have a friend whose family refers to me as sunshine, so this was ironic. I think I probably am more like the sun than not. When I am all in it is bright and big coming at you. I will warm you with my love and affection and not think twice because it is who I am. Also when the sun burns bright and does what it does, people can be burned and overwhelmed. I realized today that most people are not the sun.

So the end with Danny boiled down to the adult children, his need to please them and lack of boundaries. I am aware that they felt the following things I did were a violation of their space and respect it I will, agree with it I will not. I was in a relationship with Danny for 9 months, I heard all about them for that time and I misjudged only a couple of things, which I will own.

  • I wanted to have dinner with all his kids and celebrate his oldest sons birthday with Danny’s and I attempted to plan it – FAIL.
  • I stood up for his daughter with the oldest son’s girlfriend’s mom. Not my place.
  • Actually the issue really was that this woman (the oldest son’s girlfriend’s mom) and I had been friends a lot closer than everyone knew and I got a lot of information about the family that should have clued me in earlier to leave.
  • I did not agree with the lack of communication with his children. So until his financial fall which will be shortly, his children will think I am just crazy about money. The issue here is barring a miracle, Danny’s home will be in foreclosure this week and he cannot stop it this time. His children have no idea, and I told Danny he should tell them our of trust so they are not stunned. He disagreed.
  • I suggested the family do a New Year card, I left it up to his daughter,  since Danny wanted to do a Christmas card and that time had passed. – INTERFERENCE
  • His daughter reached out to me for help on her job search and I took the bait. I failed to see this was not her opening the door. I guess it was her using a person.
  • The other issues his daughter shared with me sucked me in and I should have been stronger and not taken the bait as I was closer than I was with her. FAIL.
  • I gave him money. I know, I know, I know. The clues were there early on. He asked me for $800 in the summer for cell phone and cable. I did not help. Then in November he had not gotten paid and I gave him $150. A month later before Christmas I gave him $200. Things I could not afford but did as I wanted him to have grocery money. – FAIL How is this a fail? He was using it to buy them restaurant food without a thought that I was sacrificing at my expense for him to be able to eat out. I know I gave the money I have no control on how he spent it. My fail.
  • He asked me for $10K to save the house, I said no. He asked me if I knew anyone who could loan it to him for 60 days. I said I knew someone but no.
  • I booked the tickets to go to Minnesota on Friday. I will eat that cash every day until forever, I wish I had waited on the Fare lock, but I did not. I am not going anywhere with him. He can take his ticket and go, I do not care. FAIL.
  • I told him to get someone else to go with him, I am not going, so why waste the hockey tickets. Maybe the asshole in me is thinking to sell them. I actually am thinking that today, will table the thought for now. He told me he could not think past the weekend when I brought it up.
  • I discovered he was not faithful to his dying wife, that would not be an issue if he owned it. It was also that he was unfaithful more than once. He painted his undying love for her in a different light. I am sure it is guilt but it is not my issue. I found out and now I cannot unknow it. FAIL
  • He betrayed the trust of his children and his deceased wife in how he spent the life insurance money. She made him promise to pay the house and the children’s college, he took a financial risk instead. He has put himself in his financial prison and he took ownership of this in a round about manner, this like the unfaithfulness he is unaware of my knowledge.
  • His children are still seriously supported by him at a time he cannot afford to do so, cell phone and car insurance and full cable line up and sports add on packages with every game package imaginable. Totally irresponsible FAIL

My point in all of this is really, he is flawed. He is not emotionally healthy. The lack of boundaries with his children are not my issue, they are his. I cannot be in a competition everyday. A grown ass man does not need to spend every minute of every day with his adult children. He has a lot of issues. This is not a man to choose to be a partner, he makes poor choices and has a huge lack of boundaries.

I will understand it can be empty nest, however, it is time for them to leave the nest. It would be one thing if he had healthy boundaries, but he does not. He told me more than once his children’s approval is mandatory. He has given them so much power it is a no win. He is now attempting to live his life to make up for his previous shortcomings. You cannot change the past with things or money.

He acts like it is him and his children against the world. It is only like that because they are choosing that outlook. I am not sure what the outside world did to them that was to tragic. So I am sure me coming in with my ideas of having a dinner together to celebrate birthday’s is ridiculous and out of line. Well that is all fine and good with me. I am not going to fight every day, I do not have the energy or desire.

The comments when his financial train comes in that there will be no women to do things with is ridiculous. He is already in that prison, he put himself in that prison. His children will be even more ridiculous when and if there is money involved. He cannot make decisions on his own about his life, without their approval. Guilt sucks, I get it. You cannot make up for the past.

Each new day is an opportunity to make better choices and a better life. I have discounted myself here again. I am not mad about it. I have learned a lot in the last 9 months. I will say I think Danny believes he will have a solution after his time out suggestion yesterday. He will come back thinking the kids are at school so we can play until they return. Not likely.

Well it is literally a new day, a new year and a new life. He suggested a break, I asked for clarity, I believe those of you who read my blog before know I have been on this road before. Giovanni asked for a break, I gave it to him begrudgingly that time, and when he came back I was on the break enjoying life to the fullest, and I never went back (not in a relationship that he thought we would). This time I was like okay. I even suggested we end it, he was not having that option. So it was easier just to let him go down this ridiculous time out road.

I got back on Match yesterday, I am just going to chill with it. I am not in a hurry. What I do know for sure is that I am a catch. I also know that when the sun does not shine it is cold in the dark. I am sure the darkness and the cold, will come as a shock to Danny, but I am a survivor. I think he may have mistook my caring for weakness.

IMG_1103

The mistakes he has made in judging me are his. I have taken his children off my social media, all my social media. I have taken a break from Facebook and I know I will be okay. I posted the above photo as my last post before my FBcation post. I am already sure Danny is doubting this break idea.

He texted me 40 min after we spoke yesterday. The text was a screenshot with accusations that I had taken off my location services. The irony, is actually I saw that the night before and somehow thought he had done it but blew it off as it was not that important. Why the fuck would he care about that seriously, if the break was a good thing in his mind. Whatever. I am sure ringing in the new year at home with his children was AWESOME.

I am sorry things did not work out. A friend asked me to put a pros and cons list together yesterday and the thing was I could not come up with more than 3 pros. The con list was huge. So I just kept moving along and did not put it on actual paper, what was the point?

Life is short, the waves will come, today there may be victory at sea looking from the shore, but I know one thing. Glassy waves will come again. I am not going to cry in my coffee about this, I know he will come back and think it is going to be okay.

It won’t be okay unless he changes his boundaries with his children, that my friends is never going to happen. Why? you may ask.  Guilt is a mother fucker and once you go into the ring thinking you will beat her with some actions or things, you have already lost. He is losing and does not even see it.

I know he has misjudged me as most. When I am done, I am done. I do not think I can deal with this shit any longer. A dear friend was more angry at him for his treatment of me than I was over the summer, I was putting a discount on me. I love her and the fact is I had to get to this place on my own. I am there and I get it.

His heartfelt speech on Christmas, I thank him for that but the actions are much stronger. I do not want this pattern to continue. He does not deserve my love nor do his children. The wall is up I have closed the door and I will emerge later stronger just as a butterfly from her chrysalis.

That first night he went out with me, it was a late one. When he left I was freaked out. His words to me were I am the adult not the child. This was in reference to what his son would think about him coming home so late. That may be the image he liked to portray but it is not realistic or his life. If he switched it to that it would be different.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

Gratitude is Abundant

Last Friday I decided I wanted to give Danny his Christmas gift. I had planned on giving it to him over the weekend, and the moment presented itself.

I had not expected to spend the evening with him as he had plans. I wanted to give him the gift over the weekend because I wanted that intimacy and privacy for that moment. I was correct in making that choice.

We were watching television and he asked if I had seen the movie Family Stone. I had not. At the end SPOILER ALERT, SJP’s character gives the family a framed picture. I took that moment and seized it. I had a picture for him as part of the gift. Perfect tie in.

So after the movie was over and he was crying. I see the parallels and I absolutely get it, the mom dies of breast cancer and the children are all adults. It seems there are a lot of movies like this and they are tough to process.

I gave him the picture first. I told him that that picture is unabridged joy to me. I see it in both our faces and I want him to experience it more often. I then had him open the folder. In the folder were the 2 tickets for the Gophers vs Notre Dame in January. He continued to cry.

I know we are both givers and love giving gifts. This is what I thought all of it was about until this week. When I learned he was human then it put everything else into a different light. I see why he thinks he is unworthy. I think he is steps away from beating himself with a cat of 9 tails. He needs to learn forgiveness. Forgiveness of his own shortcomings.

I think for me that is the hardest lesson. I still struggle with it. I will tell you that today I am more of a person who looks at things and asks if that is what I want and if it will matter. I think that exercise of 5 hours, 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months, 5 years helps me.

I know he is grateful. The part that saddens me is that he does not seem to feel worthy enough. That is the rub for me. When I told him what his Birthday present was and the add on the same thing.

This time he went into the ugly cry. Believe me I can keep a secret, but he was having such a shit day, I told him. I told him I found his friend Guy and we would be meeting up with him and his wife. He was like how? Why? Thank you. He was on cloud 9.

I am still learning about him and he is still learning about me. There is a lot to learn.

May all your waves be glassy

He is Still my Hero

This week I learned more about my super hero. The things I learned made me pause. The man is not a Saint and that is the best thing ever. I would not want a saint, I would always feel lesser. And for a time I did feel lesser. I felt I was less than his late wife.

I realized who he really is and I love that man more than the flawless man I had made him. His story is solid. The widower in him has resulted in the good memories being the ones at the forefront. I think we all do that when people die. We forget the bad and focus on the good. That is neither here, nor there.

The guilt is something I think he struggles to release. It makes him just a normal man. His goodness has not been diminished. In fact it is now even more powerful. The problem is that he fails to see that he is not lesser.

This new awareness for me is now a larger magnet pulling me in. I see we are cut from the same cloth. We are both sinners. We both love hard. We are both loyal. We both made mistakes. We both are super hard on ourselves more than anyone else. We do not self talk like we love ourself, especially if we let anyone else down.

I now am more at peace with my Akashic reading back in May. It makes the most sense now that we would have always ended up together. I remember at the end of the last reading I was told that this was the man I came to earth to walk along side. I said that is not right he should be here with his wife. The response was quick and until now I did not see the truth. He responded, wouldn’t it be terrible for him to have the guilt of being with you if she was alive? You would have ended up together regardless of the other occurrences, this was inevitable and part of the record.

So it was today that I saw he has sinned in the same ways I had sinned. People do not cheat if they are happy. People do not cheat if they feel important and engaged in a relationship. I am not here to judge that relationship. What I do know is I have cheated, I just did not get caught. That is the reason when I was cheated on I felt it was karmic. He was forgiven by his wife, he has not forgiven himself. I never felt the level of guilt he has felt.

Forgiveness is never easy for me to give. It is even more difficult to give to myself than to others. That is probably the highest peak to reach, for me to love myself and forgive myself. I do it and it is hard and it takes a lot of time. Seriously it is hard.

Today I took it upon myself to write Danny an email in response to his excitement of me buying the plane tickets to Minnesota. Obviously it contains the reflections I have had over the last day.  The picture that is framed I gave him for Christmas I told him was and is unabridged joy in his face and that is priceless to me. Here it is:

I am so excited to see the Unabridged joy in your face and eyes. I get to share it with you and that makes me happy.
Magic is in you. I am not sure why you are so hard on yourself. This is the time to forgive yourself and let it all go. This new year no matter how it starts, will be moving up. Everything that happens will be because you and your soul need it to be so to release things that no longer serve you.
We are all human and have made mistakes. The key to being happy and successful is to acknowledge it, in order to do better in the future. You have to release things to receive things.
I am always here to listen, I will always love you, I know you are flawed just as I am flawed. No one is perfect. You just need to do the best you can and learn from your past. That is all you have to do.
Hiding your magic is not a good thing nor does it help you.
I see your magic, there is NOTHING that will dim the light I see in you. Nor is there anything you can say about you or your past that will change my love for you or how I see you. Do not get me wrong I do not deify you, I see you as a good man. And again there is nothing that would change that, PERIOD.
So my challenge for you is to forgive yourself. I am not sure if that is what is going on but I have a feeling I may be right. If I am wrong that is OKAY too. Make this a year of new, a year of leaving things behind that no longer serve you.
You are my Batman, Bruce Wayne but most of all you are my Danny N. Smith, and that is more than enough, and more than most men. You do not need an alter ego, you are magic and a super hero all on your own.

💋💜😘

He did respond and I think he gets it.

Joyce,
Thank you for the heart-felt email. I appreciate it and I will try do a better job at accepting the magic you see.
This is all I could hope. I am hopeful that this is the start of his release from the past. The prison he has made and keeps himself confined. He deserves to be happy. I know I am in that happiness. He knows deep down inside too. I know that it is tough and he wants to be happy. He is moving forward, slow but sure always wins the game.
May all your waves be glassy.

The Pillow and the Picture

So yesterday when I went to wrap gifts with Danny upstairs in his room, I made a mental note of 2 things. I know I documented the pillow incident. I looked around and the pillow has moved off the bed. It is where he asked if that was okay. And it is indeed ok.

The second point was that when I went into the bathroom, the picture of us that I gave him is right there on the vanity. It made me smile. He did not go ahead with the I am not putting pictures up of another relationship rant.

He is moving forward. We are both learning about each other. It is a slow dance. I am still working on acceptance. I see that this is a challenge for me. I am up to the task and I am grateful.

Do you hear that? It is me claiming this glassy wave. Merry Christmas and may all your waves be glassy.