Running and Stopping

]I think I really missed my calling sometimes. I think now I could be a professional runner. I just would not be a runner in the traditional sense at all. I want to run from this relationship. I am not good being scared, I am not good being out of my comfort zone.

The crazy shit is that I wanted to be in this place. The crazier thing is every time I run I find that some how in some way Danny’s wife comes to me from the other side. She stops me every time. I always think that leaving and running is logical. I can tell you 100% my friends will say run as well.

Yet she comes to me in different ways and I stop every time. I want to run, seriously I do. Today I put in a question with a woman who does Angel card readings.  I absolutely expected her to tell me to “Run Forest, Run!” Well that did not happen.

This is the excerpt from the FB Live she did 12/11/17. 

Well, well, well. Again she trumps me and my escape. Previously, she has had people come to me and tell me things that made me reassess. There have been songs that keep repeating and my car radio stations changing. I talk to her, I also have pulled my own Talking to Heaven cards. In the last 2 of 3 times the card that came up was “I have become one of your guides”. Well I guess now I can say it is not me reading into things.

I know this is all really scary for me. I know my absolute terror is repeating my mistakes. I know I am growing. It is difficult to put into words how hard it is for me. I am a type A overachiever. I know my weakness has been my marriages. I fault myself and it is all wrong and misplaced.

The cards she drew for me could not have been more powerful. I am grateful for her message.IMG_3488

Ironically on the anniversary of her death I pulled the same card from the Talking to Heaven Deck – I am here helping you. I interpreted it was for Danny at the time. Now, I wonder if it was for me and Danny. Either way it does not matter. I am staying put. The card meanings are always detailed further than the single statements on the card. It is also the messages that come to the reader.

That reading was very powerful for me. I am and have been humbled by the love I am having for Danny’s children. I am not the Mama Bear in the true sense, but I will protect them, stand up for them and most of all love them unconditionally. I am also going to do whatever I can behind the scenes to keep things run smoothly. More to come on that as it unfolds – TO BE CONTINUED.

Today, Danny was having a rough day. It is December, work is crazy, his wife’s birthday was a week ago (it is sandwiched between the 2 middle children’s birthdays) and Christmas is on the horizon. I am grateful that he is honest about what he is feeling. I am supportive and I give suggestions. He is my person and I told him I am his person so he can say anything.

I also made the decision that this weekend, we are going to do something fun. Just me and Danny. I have also decided that I am giving him his Christmas present alone and early. I want to keep the intimacy on this just us. It is our first Christmas and I am going to treasure it.

For the record, today I had a photo printed and framed it. FUCK THE FRAME COMMENT. I am doing what I want and he will have to make a decision to move into the present and head into the future. Once I have an idea of how our weekend can line up, meaning Saturday and Sunday all day or just Saturday night and Sunday, I will make the plans.

I am paddling into this wave, I am popping up and I know this is going to be a stellar drop in. I am sure we will all hear me claiming that wave with my hands in the air screaming WEEEEEEEE at the top of my lungs.

May all your waves be glassy.

 

 

Frames

Last night in light of the pillow discussion I recalled more of the conversation from the morning. It was something I had not really focused until I really took note of what it meant. When Danny was telling me about how he would decorate his next house and how it would be difficult for a woman (even me) to accept.

He went on about how he wanted to have some pictures framed and have lyrics next to them. I was like that is not a deal breaker. It was what I glossed over because of the pillow that is glaring at me today.  He was talking about pictures not being a part of decor  for the woman in his life until a certain period of time had passed.

I failed to ask what that period of time was in real time. I also failed to call out the comment that he said he is not making current relationships less. The fact is he did make it less. For someone telling me that it would be hard for someone to live in his widows shadow, I realize he keeps trying to grow the size of her shadow.

It is like he needs to make it a competition. It is as if he wants to live internal conflict. It does not have to be this way. I realize he has not been in as many relationships as me. This is actually a weakness for him. He does not know how to adapt to relationships as quickly as me.

I have bought his Christmas gift. I am tempted to add a framed picture. I want to see the reaction. I want to hear his response. Is it childish? YEP! The visual I have in my mind is of a person having one foot on the pier and one foot in a boat. The boat is not tied to the dock, it is moving. You have to make a choice. You either stay on the dock and do not move or you get on the boat and see where it goes. If you do not make a choice you will fall into the water and have neither.

I see he keeps saying things to me like when this happens, then this. The problem with that is he is living in the future and partially the past. He is not moving forward. I did not know he kept her pajama bottoms she wore when she passed. He let that slip yesterday. There was a lot revealed that I have to process.

So never was I so glad I called the EAP line this past week. I was initially irritated that the counselor did not call me back. I am now glad because I have referral from a friend and I think this will be a better fit for me. I am hoping to get in ASAP.  Maybe at some point Danny can go to a session with me. I think that he needs to start healing.

You cannot heal if you keep picking at the wound. It is physically impossible. It can get infected, it can grow bigger all kinds of results occur when a wound it picked. Danny needs to let the wound heal. He needs to stop the Martyrdom. He deserves to heal.

All of this for me is symbolic. The frames of life. He has one picture of his past, he fears the picture of the future and the picture of the present is good but he would like it to be better. The frame also is symbolic that he is painting himself into a corner. There is no need for it but he is doing it.

The picture frames can be changed. I think he can see things differently in time. I just wonder how long I will be patient. I also know that I will speak my peace. I am not sure what he thinks sometimes, I think he tries to shoot from the hip too much. I know he is fearful. My faith gets me through all of this. I also know when it is time to leave if it comes I will leave.

There is chop in the water but in reality there is always chop in the water this time of year so now it is also manifested in life. The thing I do know is the chop will fade and the glassy waves will return.

May all your waves be glassy.

My voice cracked but I think I was heard

So I still find it odd that I have a hard time with speaking up when I think it may cause problems. I think it is hard for me to find my voice when I have a boundary that I fear the response. Today I let my Faith be bigger than my Fear. I hate being scared.

The fear was telling my feelings and being minimized, or even worse him walking away because of them. I look back and I am not sure where in my life this pattern started. I am sure it was as a child and being a “pleaser”. I was the one who took care of everything. I had to make sure everyone was happy.

So today when I took a deep breath at breakfast and started into the questions I needed to have answers, I was terrified. I was terrified of being thrown to the curb, of my feelings being ignored. None of which Danny has ever done to me. Yet, fear is in the background taunting me.

So, I opened it with the information on the post the medium put on her page about his reading with her. He was taken back a bit, I know because I could see it in his face. He is a private man, so it was a shock to him that something so personal was on a public page. I told him that no names were given that people would recognize. I think that calmed him. It still took me some time to come out with my questions.

I know that he did not get grief counseling and now it could not be more apparent. I mean I have seen it all along. I also see that I have played that role of counselor in our relationship. He may or may not realize it, and that has no bearing on the situation. We are in each others lives for a reason.

I told him I had an issue with the pillow being on the bed. I reminded him of how I felt about energy and that this on a bed where we slept and were intimate is not okay with me. I told him that I have been so open to things and if it had been there when I first met him that would be different. I said that is not the case so this makes it hard. I started to cry.

I put my sunglasses down and wiped my tears. I told him this is hard for me. I work to be respectful and understand. I am not selfish or jealous and I know I am different than other women, but this is where I have a problem. I said I was accepting of the pictures of her on either side of the bed. I see her all through the house, I get it I told him that was all true. However, this instance was the first time I needed to seek professional counseling for me. He told me he feared this was a slippery slope where it would grow.

Then he shared more, that told me he is not letting go. He asked if it was ok to put it on the dresser with the pajama bottoms she passed wearing. The Pajama bottoms were something really new. I said it is not on the bed. I said I know you are working to let go and it is tough. My issue is the pillow was not there when I first came along and now it is on the bed.

I said even me with my past, I would not be into a three way spiritually with my spouse. I would be upset if my husband put a pillow from our wedding on the bed he sleeps with and is intimate with another woman. So for me there is no way his wife would be accepting of this arrangement.

I said the pillow has significance. I get it. It could be part of your children’s weddings or grandchildren’s christenings. He told me no that would be too much for them. I disagree, but when the time comes I will say it then.

I said this is like me dressing in her clothes. He then told me that his ex-girlfriend took sweaters that were his wives. This is freaking me out and creepy. I then said ok, if we were moving in together and you said I had to bring a dresser because your wife’s things had to remain, that would be a problem. I also was clear on what I felt the bedroom meant to me if we lived together.

I said the bedroom would be the one place that I would have to be allowed to decorate how I felt comfortable. I said if you made your house a museum to her that would be an issue. If you commissioned art, then it would not be a surprise like the pillow. I told him again, there is a lot of reminders of her in the house now, so I do not see me making demands. If I was going to have made demands I already would have done it.

I am hopeful that this is him healing in his own way. He did not have grief counseling, I think this is proof why it would have been helpful. I am respectful, I know he loves me and that I do not ask for unreasonable things. I also see that he has his own defense mechanisms.

He said again he does not know if any woman can handle the things with him. He added not even me. I see this is his fear arising, so he starts to build a wall. He is again rushing ahead in his mind, a lot further than I rush ahead. I am aware he is trying to balance life.

I am working to balance my life as well. Just as I am an adjustment to him, he and his family is an adjustment to me. I love him and am willing to work through my issues an fear. It takes time for me to breakout of my patterns and to see it is okay. He will have to have the same or a similar experience.

I am still paddling to avoid the rip. May all your waves be glassy.

Breathe

I always forget how sensitive I am to energy. You would think I had the memory of a gnat sometimes. Today is one of those times when I really miss the water and my surfboard. I could always clear my head in the line up. It is not possible today to have that luxury.

I realize that Danny is now sharing. He has dropped a lot of walls. He is trying to share with me and in that process, we need to learn more about each other. Of course I will always help him. Of course I want to be a part of his life. No I do not want him to sanitize his life before me. That said, it is still difficult. There is a learning curve here.

I do not think he realizes the curve. I appreciate him bringing me into his life. It is just that this weekend, actually just Sunday, it was a lot in a small period of time. I felt as if I was in the spin cycle and wave after wave kept coming. I did not have time to catch my breath. I have described to him the energy I feel from him as drinking from a firehose. Sunday was attempting to drink right from the fire hydrant.

After he told me he searched for the pillow for 45 minutes he also told me he found her eulogy. Then he asked if I wanted to hear it. I was in a no win. Here he is wanting to share and I had wanted this but I was on emotional overload. When I asked him what he was going to do with the pillow he said he put it on the bed. I asked why and he said that’s what Holly wanted. It felt as if all the air left the room.

I did take a clearing bath last night, it helped clear the energy and I slept last night. I did go to Danny’s after work. I brought the lasagna and I am not mad but we did not eat it. I ended up finishing a podcast on his couch while his son and his girlfriend watched Netflix. Danny was finishing up his work. I am thankful he finally went to Urgent Care, although he kept telling me he was fine.

It is NOT just any pillow. It is a wedding pillow. I see the meaning of it. However, I realize he does not see what it says to me. We did not have any time together for me to vocalize this to him. We only talked for a little bit. In that conversation I told him my ex-husband apologized and was sorry for all he did to me. I did see a glimmer in his eyes that he did not know how to process it. When I told him I had a shitty day, in that moment, I could not tell him the real reason, or get it cleared, as we were not alone.

I also realized sometimes I need to just be alone to process things. I need some space right now. It is a Mercury Retrograde and it always affects me. So maybe a tiny time out will be good for me. I did not text last night or this morning. I just need to decompress. I know he is not choosing a dead woman over me. What I am concerned about is that I am in so damned deep there is a high likelihood of me being crushed like I have never been crushed before.

I have not been this vulnerable since I dated before Alan. I was not this vulnerable for Alan or Dickshot. Alan crushed me so don’t get me wrong, but he was the rebound of the man who truly crushed me. I do not know that I can handle that again. I know Danny and I have a solid relationship which allows me to talk freely, I am just not ready to talk about it.

I think it is super important to take this time for me. I need this space. I need to be okay being vulnerable. I will have the conversation and let him know how I feel. He has been too thoughtful to not understand. He also has said before that he cannot question or judge how I feel. I have not told him how I feel so that needs to be said and I will see how it pans out.

This is a small rip, the good news is I see it in its actuality. I am now just paddling along the shore out of the rip. I will then sit in the line up and breathe. Then I will wait for the wave I am destined to ride on this issue. Just knowing I will feel better with the release of the wave calms me.

It is really funny how the analogy of surfing works to the game of life.

May all your waves be glassy.

Struggles

I have to be honest. Really honest, the struggle comes and goes for me. The struggle to understand and be compassionate. I think that sometimes I fear I am being too compassionate or empathetic. I think it is a fine line.

I worry that I am being sucked down the rabbit hole. I want to understand. I want to say I am confident in myself and my relationship that this is normal. I just do not know sometimes. I feel that yesterday it was a big step. He took me to her grave. I know that is sacred ground. I get that part, truly I do.

It is the pillow that was mentioned in his reading from the Medium, that I am now having a problem. I do not have a problem he has it. I do not have a problem he went to look for it. I am struggling with it belongs on his bed. I am such a person about energy, that this is a struggle. Seriously, I know it is a pillow.

Let me share about the pillow. It was a wedding gift from his wife’s sister. It was monogrammed and put on their bed for the entire length of marriage. It sounds ridiculous that a pillow is shaking my belief in him. However, it is shaking my tree. I am working to release it. I am not insecure or jealous as a person.

This pillow is trying me. I know that when people die, their faults are things that fade quickly. I know my cross is bearable. I know I feel guilty living in what was supposed to be her life. Danny never minimizes how I feel when I share so how can I share this? I am struggling here.

I know I will have to speak how I feel about it. I just am not ready. I also know that his feelings are important when I do, so timing is always of importance too. For goodness sake it is a pillow. Yet, I cannot relax about a pillow. I want to tell myself it is just a pillow but I know it is more.

Today is the first day I think I need to talk to a professional. I cannot torment myself over a pillow. If everything they say about her is true, I think she would tell me it is a pillow too, with the caveat that it was not her pillow. I believe as a friend she might tell me something different than what she would want in this situation. I mean really she came through in the reading with the pillow.

Maybe it is to give him comfort. I am working to understand. I just know I am at a threshold here that I have to be all in, or at least have my expectations clear. I thought I was in too deep to turn around before now I think I have to really be in or out. I have feelings for his children so I have to get my shit together and be clear in my needs and what I need.

I am on my board, glassy waves are coming, I am just avoiding a rip.

Sunday brings lots of new things

Last night, I spent it with Danny at his house. It was the Clemson v Miami game. His oldest son cooked fajitas and I was invited. There were a few of his son’s friends and girlfriend. It was a long night as I left closer to midnight than I would have liked.

When I got home I realized I forgot my phone. I was so irritated but it was late, I was tired and it could wait until Sunday. I texted Danny from my iPad. I love technology. I will say that I had not realized how much I missed my phone but I did.

Danny texted in the morning if I had time to hang out. I said sure. He said he had to go to Michaels for an arrangement and we could get lunch. So this turned out to be no ordinary arrangement. It was for his wife’s grave.  I did not know that until we were at Michaels. I helped him pick some plastic flowers and decor.

We then had pizza at Benny’s in downtown Fredericksburg. I have realized he is much more comfortable with conversation and him not being guarded. Today all of that came into clear focus. I was able to share my opinion in regards to his family and he was not defensive. I no longer felt I was intruding. It is not a bad thing, it is just new. He forgot my phone at this house so we had to stop there.

We got to his house and I thought his son was not home and was sad. Then we realized he was home and I gave his son some of my dog’s activity treat toys. I explained them to him, I think they will help with the dog’s chewing and anxiety. We were off again.

Danny picked up cleaning supplies and a scissors. We then went to the cemetery and arranged the flowers in the urn on the headstone. He is still carrying a lot of grief. Today, I gave him a perspective that I think will forever change him. On the way back to my house he said He did not understand her strength and went on about it. Today, I stopped him.

I did not stop him because I could not handle it. I stopped him because he was comparing strength and pain. I was told this quote a week ago: It is not the size of your cross, it is how you handle it.  This has changed him. He said he had never thought of it like that and it made a difference.  I am glad.

When we got to my house I had a limited time to spend with him. Today when we were intimate it was different. It has been progressively different in a good way since meeting his children. I am Blessed that things are going in a positive manner. Tomorrow I am bringing a Lasagna to Danny’s for dinner. Dinner on a weekday at his house. Things are changing.

May all your waves be glassy.

In the Circle – I will not let it be broken

I have always been an intuitive person. It is just at this stage of my life I listen to it. Sunday I felt pulled to add Danny’s daughter to my LinkedIn account. Monday I knew why.

When I spent time with Danny’s youngest we discussed LA and my work experience. I mentioned I had worked at Warner Bros. Monday afternoon Danny’s daughter texted me.

She was looking at a job in LA at Warner Bros and asked for some help. Of course I immediately sprang into action. I reached out to a friend whose wife used to be in PR at Warner Bros.

I asked if she could look over her resume and possibly help. I am not sure how surprised Danny’s daughter was on my response, but I do know we have a bond.

I was also able to convey some advice for a situation she shared with me over the weekend. In my suggestion I also told her if I overstep at any time to just let me know.

Of course I let Danny know. I can’t wait to see him tomorrow. I look forward to any other information he shares about his kids and me.

His second oldest messaged me back on Tuesday. He is checking to see if he can make the Golden Gophers hickey game in January as a surprise for his dad. I am pleased.

I am so glad things are aligned and that the life I had always dreamt possible is unfolding as such. I would not change anything. I am definitely treasuring the interaction and process in getting to know each one of them.

May all your waves be glassy.